To go on holiday? Elderly parent at home

[crispsandnuts]

My DM 83 lives alone pretty much independently with just help for lifts as the local buses have reduced, shes amazing for her age and a good support network. We speak every day and Ill call in to see her 3-4 times a week.
However she was recently was admitted to hospital for a short term illness and now on the mend. Some long term health conditions which are managed with her meds.
I have a 7 night holiday booked in a few weeks and feel guilty/unsure if I should go? If I even suggested I would cancel she would go mad and she would hate the fact I stopped something on her behalf. However, her hospital stay has given me a scare reminding me of her age and and quick they can decline. Any suggestions if I should go?
Shes lucky as she has some good friends who would keep an eye out for her, however I feel the main person she would go to for help. My sibling is very supportive but she lives on the other side of the world.

Ask the friends if one of them would be prepared to take charge for the week.
If there was an emergency the hospital/SS would deal with it. It’s only a week, go and enjoy yourself. You can’t put your life on hold for an undetermined length of time until she’s passed.
Another option is to get her to agree to carers popping in for that week, but I’m going to assume she wouldn’t,

Definitely go. I'd also ask the friends to keep an extra eye on here that week.

Your mum could easily live another 10 years. I quite understand her being annoyed at you wanting to cancel her holiday. You make it sound as though she won't see September. Unless the doctors have specifically warned that she is at any greater risk, I think you are being over cautious.

You can't put your life on hold. Arrange for one of her friends to pop in, you can still call her from your holiday if you wish, and you'll have more interesting things to tell her when you get home. Go and enjoy yourself.

She could live for a decade or more still, are you not going to have a holiday until she is gone /in a nursing home?

make sure she is stocked up in essentials so she doesn't have to go out if she doesn't want too. Ask some of her friends to pop in/ring to chat to her that week as you'll be away.

Do you have kids/a partner? do you expect them never to go on holiday again while you mother lives at home? this could be years.

Go on your holiday. Unless you are going to a really far away place like Australia if there is a health emergency you can always easily come back early anyway.

Kindly @crispsandnuts I think it's more about you and how you feel than about what your mum may need or want? Her recent admission will have understandably scared you (recent experience of this myself so I get it!)

Your mum still sounds very independent which is great. She is capable of taking care of herself and making decisions, maybe be careful not to infantilise her?

Like others have said, you can't NOT go on holiday for the next 10/15/20years. I imagine the time will come where you WONT be able to go but that's not now so don't preempt it.

Go and enjoy and tell her all about it when you get back 😊

83 isn't that old. Has she lots of health issues?

Thank you, I felt I was being selfish wanting to go yet concerned I should stay home. She's never been in hospital for 40 years...so she's mentally struggling with it all.

You are definitely not being selfish OP. I was recently invited to a tea party for a 105 year old Lady. If your DM following in her footsteps, that would be an awful long time to go without a holiday. You need your rest and relaxation.

There are some things you can do if you want to before you go.

Make sure her friends know when you are away and are willing to see her.

Do a grocery shop or food delivery for her before you go.

Make sure she's having her medication delivered from the Pharmacy.

Leave her some numbers of who to ring if she's struggling, like 111. My DM always seems to forget that this is an option when she feel unwell.

Go. You are being silly.

Can you ask a friend to check in/phone with her daily?

You should definitely go as your mother wants you to. A previous neighbour of mine cancelled her holiday at the last minute because her mother wasn’t well. Her mother lived for another 10 years and my neighbour didn’t have a holiday in all that time.

Absolutely go

But organise an informal rota from her friends so someone calls in every other day and she knows who to call on a day when she needs something. Could you ask a friend or two of yours to be around for any extra errand running too??

Yes I could easily find people to call and pop in so that could work.
I think its the guilt that I assume her pals will think 'oh her daughter is swanning off on holiday when her DM hasn't been well'. However yes, you are right, I think I need to get out of the mindset that 'me' time allowed.

I can't imagine that any of her DF will think that, or anyone else got that matter.

Looking after elderly parents can be hard and you do need some time to yourself or there may be nothing left to give

Go but I highly recommend a box on the outside with the keys with a combination lock, an alarm system worn as a pendant and to subscribe to a service that comes out if they press the alarm. I also recommend a good cleaner/housekeeper once a week if you can afford it, partly because they will go in at least once (you could arrange a second visit that week

Definitely go on your holiday. Bit surprised at the 83 isn't old comment.

Just want to add to the voices advising you to go on the holiday. as PPs have said, she could live another ten years or more. Look after your own wellbeing and happiness too, and you'll be in a better position to support her.

Been there. Having very carefully booked pretty much everything so it could be cancelled with a couple of weeks notice, my Mum got hauled into hospital one week before the start of our long haul holiday... luckily she was discharged before we flew out, but yeah, after that it was short haul only until she died a couple of years later.

I agree with PPs, as long as you are reasonably confident someone is keeping an eye out for her and that you've got a sporting chance of getting back fairly soon if anything REALLY bad kicks off, then go.

If she's in her 80s I imagine you've not got a lot left unsaid by now. I just stuck to shorthaul because I didn't fancy the possibility that I'd get THE CALL and not make it back in time because I was in Singapore or whatever - I made that choice for me, not for her, if that makes sense.

Can your dm stay in the hospital until you get back? Here in lreland after a hospital stay older folk are entitled to some time in a step down care setting to fully recover. Is there anything like that for her so you would be totally assured she was well looked after?

This.