Mum with dementia in care home. I have sciatica and can't walk. She calls me constantly to tell me she's coming to look after me and that I've stolen her care so she can't I'm at my wits end

[Mxflamingnoravera]

Mum has mid stage Alz and VD and is in a residential home. It's not a memory care unit but in the main it works.
Four weeks ago my back went and I have sciatica, I can barely walk am on so many painkillers I've lost count and my mum keeps on calling to say she's coming to look after me, or "she's going home". It's grinding me down.

My aunt and I take it in turns to call her daily but lately she's been asking for the phone to call me to ask about my sciatica. I have to explain it again and again, she then says she's going to walk to my house to look after me. (It's 7 miles and she doesn't know the way) because I have "taken her car and she wants it back".

This is daily, sometimes three or four times daily, she can't come to mine, she couldn't even walk up the steps to the front door and I would have to look after her. I don't even like her very much, she bullied me and scared me as a child.

I'm due to start a new job next week, I can just about drive (dr says it's ok) so my stress levels are through the roof.

Things I've tried:
"Just stay where you are, that's the best way to look after me mum because then I don't worry."

The car is out of fuel and I there's a national don't drive rule because of the heat. (Her car was removed three years ago and she has no car nor driving licence).

Deny all knowledge of her car. That provokes a row.

Pretend I'm all well again- but then she says well come and see me then (I can't because I'm clearly not well).

I've run out out ideas. We took her mobile off her because she was calling me hourly even in the night. I face time her daily and she asks the office to use their phone when she gets anxious.

She had a script for for lorrzepam but it was lapsed a while ago because she was settled and (rightly) the home don't like to sedate if possible- but I'm thinking at the moment it might help her.

The stress of new job and can I manage it plus mum (and her sister who doesn't have dementia but does have acute anxiety and OCD) is too much. I'm 60, an only child and live alone. I look at the bag of drugs sometimes and think it would all be over if I did the lot. But I'm not actually suicidal just desperate and in pain.

I get it, you want to do the right thing. Your Mum is in a place that meets her needs. That is the very best you can hope for in this situation. There is no further remedy available. Trust the home to do their job. Ask them to stop your mother from phoning you. If she does anyway, don't answer. Talking to her hasn't helped your Mum, (because she can't be reasoned with now, not your fault), she is still confused and upset. But it is making you ill. Please give yourself permission to step back.

Stop answering the phone to her, unless you actually want to. Speak to the home and tell them you don’t want her phoning you from the office phone either.
It may seem harsh but you have to be kind to yourself and put your health first.

Pretend I'm all well again- but then she says well come and see me then (I can't because I'm clearly not well).

I actually think this is quite a good thing to say. When she says come and see me then you can say "yes I will do, I just need to check my diary" - the thing is, no matter what you say, she won't remember and will keep ringing you.

Get into the habit of blocking and unblocking the care home's number. For example, block it at 10am and unblock it at 4pm just to give yourself a break.

Finally, how is she financially? Could you afford to hire an additional 1-1 carer/activities co-ordinator to keep her occupied?

Tell the staff not to give her the phone?

You’ve just got to stop answering the phone to her. You will never recover if you subject yourself to this sort of stress.

I've been in a similar situation , it’s hard but actually it does no good to either of you. At least you still have the ability to recover if you give yourself a chance.

MIL has the same delightful combination, and is currently in hospital after being sectioned. She gets fixated on certain things, like your mum with the car. For your own wellbeing you need to detach yourself a little. You'll inevitably have to spend some time listening to this stuff, but I can see SIL is at breaking point trying to accommodate whims that, whilst seeming constant, are frequently forgotten by the time the next visitor comes along. Then she wants to know what the hell we're playing at, bringing up this shit!
Focus on your own recovery for now. It's being sensible, not selfish, to get yourself back to full health, or as close to that as possible. Your mum is safe where she is.

Having worked in many care homes over the years, I strongly suspect the care staff are giving her the phone to get 5 minutes peace themselves 😉

Tell her that the car has mechanical problems & is in the garage being fixed.
Once it is fixed then she can have it back.
And repeat.
It's what I used to tell my Mum. It was the only thing that she would accept as she was convinced it had been stolen.

When her car was still on her drive, a friend disconnected bits so it couldn't be started 'so it was going to need to go to the garage'. She got to keep the keys but couldn't take it anywhere...

So sorry you are going through this. DM had dementia and it was awful. I found with DM that she was desperately trying to get some form of acknowledgment/approval. You say your DM bullied you. She probably feels guilty deep down.

I second DenholmElliot1, block the number at certain times and limit the amount of times you answer. Tell her your phone isn't working properly. When you do answer agree with her. Say that would be great. You're so good to offer even though you are not well yourself. This is what she more than likely wants to hear. Tell her something like the car had to be repaired and as soon as it's ready you'll get it to her. Then tell her there is someone at the door/someone else ringing and you need to answer it and get off the phone. Keep the calls brief.

Good luck with your new job. I hope all goes well.

When DMIL was more communicative and would say she was going home or coming to ours, I just said what I'd always said, "oh that's lovely, I can't wait to see you".

That seemed to placate her enough so that we could change the subject.

Wow some great ideas here, thanks. I'm also go into ask for a meeting with the home to look at her daily routine because I suspect she's under stimulated so ruminates because she had nothing to do.

I'm going to tell the home not to give her the phone between 730 am and 7pm because I'll be at work and they are to call me or give the the phone only if there is an emergency.

I feel for you. My mum became increasingly confused and drove me up the wall with endless phone calls, at all hours. My solution was to have a spare cheap phone that she has the number to, and block her from the main phone. Tell her you can't always get to answer your phone and not to worry, try again later. Turn the spare off and put it away in a drawer when you don't want to be called. Once you take back control the stress becomes so much less.

I'm back... mum had to move to a locked unit. I gave her a doro phone with no numbers available for her to to call but which allowed me and her sister to call her. But, she loses the phone, or puts it in her bag so she cannot hear it and then it runs out of charge and we cannot contact her. I don't want to make her feel abandoned but I can't fit there to see her often because my sciatica pain precludes driving and a taxi is a £100 round trip. I've lost my job due to the sciatica so I can't afford £100. The home don't seem to be able to help her to just leave the phone in it's charging cradle and allow me and her aunt to call her when she is in her room (ie early morning and later in the evening. We've told her, we've made signs to say leave your phone on its charger, nothing works. It's very frustrating and she must be feeling so isolated.
Any ideas?

Could you go along with it? Just say 'that's very kind of you mum. Let's talk about it tomorrow'.

They say you're best to never argue with a person who has dementia or for example, remind them that someone has died. It's often just better to agree or gloss over it. So it might just help to go along with it and she will probably forget you had the conversation?

Is there anyone who could get there to see her? I think that the solution is going to be to physically fix the phone to the cradle with a cord so that she can’t remove it but can get it physically to her ear.

Sorry to hear about your job - that must feel really tricky

gosh, didn’t want to read and run. What a time you have of it atm. I also have a slipped disk, sciatica a new job and a mother who is mentally unwell and was a bully growing up.

drop the rope. My physio and pain specialist told me stress makes the pain worse and harder to recover from. Take a break from your mum for a bit, I’ve had to with mine as she makes my life so bloody stressful and I need to keep my job and recover from the sciatica as currently I have no joy in my life at all.

don’t feel guilty, put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on others. She is safe and being looked after, let them take the load until you are able to again op.

Im so sorry you lost your job, I’m fearful of the same thing, you are doing your best op, don’t feel guilty.