I am facing a future with the possibility of dementia

[SummersBreeze]

Over the past year, I noticed some things with my mother. There were a few things that were slightly off. I began to think on the lines of dementia. Her memory seemed to be OK though. I read online about dementia and apparently sometimes the memory can be retained and its other behaviours.

I have a list of observations and behaviours about her. There's something not quite right. Every day is different.

She's easily angered and cross and complains a lot.
Then I discovered she had some of my underwear.
I have a list of things really.

This weekend I observed a new behaviour. She became confused about some dates in the past. She's been dealing with a legal issue and a solicitor since autumn of 2018. She was asked about this and she's adamant it's 2015.
I know for a fact its definitely 2018 she's been attending her solicitor.

I think it's something new to add to the list of observations I have.

I was at the GP in June and I mentioned my concerns about my mom. The gp rang her within an hour of my appointment asking my mom to come and visit for an 'over 65s check'.

My mom got the results back from a blood test last week and I asked my mom how was her appointment and she replied back to me saying everything is perfect and the GP is very happy. Mom was very happy and upbeat. I would have expected maybe a referral to the hospital but that didn't happen. Not that I know off unless if my mother forgot about what happened in her appointment or she didn't say.

There isn't a dementia diagnosis yet. She's nearly 70. Dementia scares me so much. Its a progressive disease and it's so cruel. I hope I am wrong. When I read forums online it's often said there can be other reasons for dementia like symptoms but I can't see how something else will match up to what I see as in stealing of my underwear, other confusion, and other things too.

My mum has dementia and has been in hospital/residential home for just over a year. The memory issue was a very small part of her symptoms - all her bills were paid by DD and those that weren't I dealt with. We would talk about family birthdays together and I would sort out gifts. There wasn't much for her to forget. I did notice odd behaviours and intrusive thoughts but put them down to her failing eyesight, reduced mobility and general old age.

It was only when she had a fall and suspected stroke and went into hospital that her cognitive decline was really noticed. It was actually the Occupational Therapist who picked up on it and arranged for a further assessment.

Before it was decided that mum would definitely not be coming home I talked to an Admiral Nurse and she was so helpful in giving me direction and questions to ask with SS and the discharge nurse at the hospital. I was in a better position to get help than you are - my mum is much older, was already in hospital, had severe mobility issues - no independence at all. I would definitely start with an appointment with the Admiralty nurse.

What you're seeing is much the same as my wife's declining mental health. It started many years ago and has continued for at least 10 years until she was admitted to hospital a couple of months ago after having a total breakdown with memory loss, confusion, haluicinations, balance vomiting etc.
She had had a diagnosis or Alzheimers now and I'm at the beginning of a complexr series of things to do. I have already applied for Power of Attorney (POA) for financial and property affairs and after speaking with a solicitor only last Friday am now doing an application for Power of Attorney for her health interests. The solicitor highlighted that she could be taken from me without any consent by myself or my wife and put in a care home even if I'm completely able to watch afyer her. Apparently this happens frequently. A POA for health interests prevents this situation and places the legal right on health matters on the Trustees, of which I and my son have equal responsibility.
I hate to think she could be taken away with no accpetance by myself, but do think that if her condition detriorates significantly or I become unable to care her myself that I have the option to allow admittance.
Now, I don't know the full details of your mum's financial and property affairs but if you are concenred that any savings or property may get swallowed up eventually if she becomes incapable of looking after herself and needs a care home, then be advised that you must consult a solicitor about making a Discretionery Trust so that none of her estate can be enforced to be used as collateral for payment of nursing home fees.
There's a whole load of other things you should discuss with a solicitor, even some apparently simple things like gifting property to avoid taxation and the writing of a will.
Of course, your mum may be a good number of years from falling ill to the extent that she needs any help but by leaving it too late could lose her house or savings, and potentially even your mum if the authorities decide to take her from you against your wishes.
I would also write to her doctor and advise him/her of your fears and ask for a referral to the NHS local mental health team for continuing assessment.
My wife refused to allow any visits of any of the mental health team after doing so poorly on one of the mental acuity tests. She was afraid, or so I think, that the diagnosis wouldn't be favourable and didn't want to embarass herself by doing so poorly on other tests.
So her decline continued unabated whereas she may have been able to slow things down if she had continued being requently assessed and provided with suitable medication.
Your mum might now to hear the word "dementia" and believe me when I say that I held off saying it myself but inevitably it's got to be discussed with her for her best interests.

"The solicitor highlighted that she could be taken from me without any consent by myself or my wife and put in a care home even if I'm completely able to watch afyer her. Apparently this happens frequently."

Really? I think you will find the opposite - if the person is receiving care paid for by the state then they will delay a care home for as long as possible.

And the thing about putting her assets in trusts so it can't be used as collateral for care home fees - again, this sounds like deprivation of assets.

I think that without the health element then if there was conflict between SS/council and family then the families wishes can and are over ridden - so choice between care home or home care for instance, or moving between care homes etc etc.

Really? Where did you get your law degree?
The solicitor I spoke with does Trusts and estate planning every day and has similar arrangements in her own family.
Of course I may not know anything myself for certain but I have no reason to disbelieve a professionally trained legal expert wth over 50 years experience.

Whether or not your Mum is starting to suffer from dementia - please can I strongly suggest she does the following:-

assign power of attorney to you and 2 others for both health and for financial aspects
makes her will
set up direct debits for bills
dig out all her pensions, life assurance stuff so you know where they are
basically stuff we all should have in place but don't always get around to.

Looking back at my Mum's behaviour - she started becoming a little disinhibited about 12-13 years ago, almost as if she was a bit tipsy. Then she started to get angry out of nowhere over really trivial stuff, eg you offer to make a cup of tea and she go off on one saying she was perfectly capable of making herself a cuppa - it was really weird. But her actual memory at this point was fine on a day to day basis. She was retired by then so maybe not so obvious. She really only started to have major problem with day to day memory stuff from 2017 onwards.

What I'm saying is - she may or may not have memory problems but it could be at a really early stage that's impossible to pin down as firmly as a formal diagnosis. FWIW my Mum hasn't a formal diagnosis - she was referred to the memory clinic but became very distressed so the testing couldn't continue. This has not made a spot of difference to care she has needed and received. SS assessments are very practical - can the person wash and dress themselves, cook, take the bus etc.

It is a long, sad and draining journey with dementia / memory loss. Plug into your local dementia support groups - we tried to get my Mum involved but with no success. Remember the support groups are for you, her family, not just the person with the memory loss.

This is the same for me. There's no diagnosis as of yet but I think there is something happening. It's little stuff that you described. Easily angered. Easily bored and agitated. There's a paranoia happening with her too. So it's just little things. At times of stress there's other stuff too like adding onto some previous tales. Stuff that doesn't make sense. So there's little things.

Unfortunately we are in an an absolute god damn horrific situation. She fell into being comfortable with a separation from her ex husband. She never wanted to rock the boat and anger him with a divorce. So he is now heavily in debt and the family home is caught up in that. Me and my siblings are trying to unravel and try and save something from this mess.