Advice about sibling relationship where one is a carer and one does nothing

[Siblingo]

I'd posted this question in relationships and someone suggested I ask about it here. Linking to the thread rather than reposting so as not to spam. Sorry if this itself is seen as spam but not sure what else to do.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4599621-advice-on-sibling-relationship-going-down-the-pan?reply=118854905

No advice on how to let your siblings harsh words wash over you. I don’t think I could bite my tongue in that situation tbh.

You could look at a weeks respite care for DF so you could do your course.
he just scrapes over the level at which you have to pay for your own care
Have you applied attendance allowance? Age concern are really good for help with filling the forms out and offering help. So sorry you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mum

thank you for your kind words. Yes we have attendance allowance and were helped in the application.

I think I echo other responses on your other thread. Unfortunately, you cannot decide for another person what their response should be. I care deeply about my parents, yet I would never ever care for them.. that's a personal choice for each person to make. I have 5 siblings... Everyone seems to think that everyone else should be doing things, my mum is showing extensive cognitive decline. One of my brothers has his father in law living with him, this is his reason for doing nothing for our parents, not even visiting them once a year. To him, any room he has to think about 'care' is currently accounted for. My parents needs are actually much greater than his father in law's.
Maybe seperate the two things. Explain to him that you understand he doesn't want to care for your dad, but you would appreciate emotional support (maybe phone calls where you just relax and chat) my sister and I do this when my mum has sworn at her for the 20th time. There's no expectation from either of us that the other will step in instead, but having the space just to talk helps a lot. Also ask him bluntly to not criticise what you can't control, would he be willing to give practical assistance, for example finding a cleaner or decorator.
With regard to when you can't be there, your brother isn't under any obligation to be there instead, you could both look at respite care and find a suitable alternative, your emotions on this can really only be faced by you xx

I'm really struck by MyChien's post which I think is very insightful. Probably the most painful part of my mother becoming suddenly very ill and then very disabled has been the appalling clashes between me and my siblings - even though she's been so unwell that she has been in first a hospital and then a nursing home throughout. We are finding the distortions of our childhood roles and relationships keep tripping us up - even though we're all getting on for 60!

So I'd also support you getting counselling or therapy in some way. Caring for someone with dementia or even minor cognitive decline is HARD. I do think that part of your reaction is disappointment that your brother is not seeing what you want without asking. In my experience as a health professional, the invisible majority ethnic culture in Britain (which you may or may not be part of) is that help is supposed to be given without being directly asked for. That being pushed to the point of having to ask directly for help is an insult, and frankly almost a personal failure. So you are not asking for help. And your brother is not helping, but criticising, and that's unbelievably painful. I wonder though if he is somehow asking for help himself in a very dysfunctional way. (that doesn't mean you have to spend lots of energy finding out). Our culture is so difficult to negotiate in these circumstances.

I do think that getting professional help with your current circumstances is an obvious way to reduce the burden on you. If you take your father's direct request (are you going to leave me? Please don't leave me) as a face-value statement both of what he wants and what you need to do 100% of the time, you are going to collapse. You need to interpret that in a realistic way. That cannot mean that you can't take a break, can't take a holiday, can't involve other people. Remember that he could get to know strangers - they could become people he knows. Would it be terrible if he had a person he knows stay with him for a week while you go on the course?

He’s free to make his own choices. You can only choose how to react to them. In my case I’ve cut off contact with the sibling. Frankly, I’m glad to have the time back in my week that I used to spend speaking to them. There was no emotional support for me either so no loss at all really. In your position I’d say sibling comes round, you go out. His turn to take the reins. No ‘helpful’ comments for you to react to at all as you won’t be there.

@Lightuptheroom i recognise a little of what you say re: your brother’s f-i-l. My sibling also has an in-law whose needs are more limited and support network much wider than our own parent where it is just me. I also sense that the ‘care’ box is checked in siblings life with no thought for how the circumstances are very different for me or a sense of responsibility. I often wonder what is going on in their head.