Funeral/cremation info/resources

[itchychin]

Hi All, my Mum is now receiving end of life care in hospital and not expected to last a week. My Dad (78) is healthy but I think next steps will fall to me (only child). I’ve looked at a few online resources to get an idea of what we’ll need to do and it sounds like a funeral director will guide us but any useful info or pointing me to useful websites would be appreciated. Thank you (I did search the site for useful threads but sorry if I’m repeating). X

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is a difficult time and the practicalities can seem daunting. When my dad was dying my uncle told me to call him any time, day or night, and he would get things organised. He chose the funeral director and brought him to the house so we didn't need to take mum out which made it easier for her and for me.

Having my uncle to advise me was a great help. I don't know if all undertakers are the same but the one he chose (he worked closely with undertakers in his job) was compassionate and kind. The undertaker dealt with the hospital but we (my husband!) had to collect the paperwork and dad's belongings and register the death. He was so lovely and had no interest in selling me things I didn't want. I knew dad wanted to keep everything very simple so we kept things very basic. The undertaker and the hospital took us through every step although my husband knew what to do as his own father had died just 6 months before.

Some people want to take everything as it comes up, but personally I like to have a plan. I knew from talking to the hospital how and when they would call me and knowing that I just had to phone my uncle and he would sort the undertaker took a lot of pressure off in dad's last few days.

I hope your mum is peaceful and comfortable and that you have someone supporting you in the weeks ahead.

Firstly does your Mum or Dad have any preferences? E.g. burial Vs cremation, big funeral Vs small, what sort of coffin etc.
Local undertakers should have websites with some sort of price guide and you can email and ask for quotes. You can do this now, if you like (I did).
If you are trying to keep costs down then things like printing your own order of service and booking taxis rather than having funeral limos can be considered. Also, some cemeteries have lower fees for plots for locals.
For burials, how bothered are you about the headstone? I took my time and went to someone a friend recommended for my Mum's stone, spent a good while sorting out the design, wording and stone, and I'm very happy with it - another relative chose a granite/sandblasted stone very quickly and was a bit discombobulated and not too pleased with the result.

What sort of things are "musts", do you know?

A direct cremation or burial and a completely separate wake/memorial gathering is what I did for Mum, after a bad experience with a friend's funeral which overran the 30 minutes slot. Gave us more time to talk about her and a comfy venue with food immediately there for everyone.

Anyway, if you have older friends, colleagues, neighbours, talk to them - they'll have local knowledge and will probably be happy to talk you through stuff.

One thing we didn't realize, our first time, was you're expected to contact a funeral director, well... soonish. We got the death certificate first, turns out that leaving FiL in the hospital morgue for a couple of days wasn't the done thing . We didn't know!

Just been through it funeral director did everything
buried or cremation and think about service and songs
what they need to be dressed in
and what u want in order of service

Oh forgot wish we had done this empty her bank accounts transfer it to your dad just leave £1 in
once you tell them she’s died the account is frozen

Thank you all 💐 I do need to plan, for my sanity, so I’ve contacted a couple of funeral directors this evening. I spoke with my Dad earlier who thinks a crematorium service (how they went nearly 60 years without ever talking about funerals I don’t know). She only has a joint bank account with my Dad so I don’t think we need to do anything there other than notify. In brighter news my Dad has agreed I can set up POA for him now as he was resistant before. X

This is a useful thread. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

My Dad died on Sunday and my Mum is quite unwell so I’m trying to work out what to do first.

FluffyFluffyClouds - does that mean that the hospital will release a patient’s body before the medical certificate and death certificate have been issued? We are still waiting for the medical certificate and it looks as though I need to put all the info into the council’s registry office website and then they’ll email with an appointment to go and register the death.

Ah, sorry - I’ve just spotted that this was from July.