How to help parents

[StuckInSandwich]

Essentially, we are at our wits end. DF is suffering with chronic pain, the cause of which has been investigated inconclusively. The GP has actually told him there is nothing more he can do, and he frequently makes threats of suicide. He's on morphine, but it has stopped being effective. He is housebound, rarely leaves his chair or bed, and is cared for by DM - however, it's having a massive impact on her emotionally, and she is reaching the end of her tether. The pain can make him treat her very badly, insulting her, throwing things around the room... We live over 4 hours away and have been helping financially with private health investigations and therapies, but can't physically help out, and DB and DSIL are overseas, so in the same boat. If DM can't cope any more, what can we do? She's threatening to walk out, and frankly I don't blame her, but really worried about what would happen to DF. He doesn't want to move here, and we wouldn't have room, or really the capacity to care for him, given our work commitments.

Can you help them get carers in? Do they have savings of their own? Has he had a care assessment? Has she had a carers assessment?

Has he been referred to a pain clinic to help him live with the pain?

Has your DF been seen at a pain clinic? His GP may not be able to do more, but the specialist pain clinics can do a lot - if your df chooses to engage with them as they do not have magic solutions and some of the therapy will need hard work on his side.
But if your mum cannot care for him any longer, then she/you need to get in touch with adult social care and tell them that carer breakdown is imminent and other arrangements need to be made. Its really hard to say that, but they may be able to come up with a solution that lets your mum cope at home, or discuss a move to care although it doesn't sound like your dad would cooperate

Thank you. They don't have much in terms of savings and certainly couldn't fund a carer, and I don't think we could afford it, although we do pay for a weekly cleaner. DF has been referred to the pain clinic, but it didn't go well - I think he expects the pain to be sorted completely rather than be shown how to live with it, and that doesn't seem to be possible. They said the pain relief people had also washed their hands of them. It can be difficult to get information out of them, so I will have to ask more specific questions about what actually happened. Thank you for the suggestions and info - tbh it helps just to write it down and get it out of my head, it's a constant worry and I feel so guilty we can't do more.

They can apply for attendance allowance. It is not means tested and could be used to pay for carers.

So sorry this is happening x

If they don't have savings above £16,000 then SS will fund carers at home, but may also be able to signpost things like day centres, carers groups or befrienders. They can be a bit slow when things aren't critical but when the wheels fell off I did find them very helpful.

OK, so it sounds like they need to be referred to social services for a care assessment, carers assessment and (if SS are going to fund it) a financial assessment. If they have savings under £23,500 now (this is supposed to be going up a lot next year) then social services will at least part-fund care; and your mum is his carer anyway so she should get a carers assessment and some support. If your dad is virtually bedbound and housebound then he should qualify for Attendance Allowance - speak to Citizens Advice and/or your local Age UK to get help applying.

Definitely agree with the other poster - contact adult social care and tell them the situation and ask for an assessment. Poor you and your poor Mum!!!!!!