Really struggling with parents

[Diamond7272]

Dear all,

I am at my wits end with my parents and just dont know what to do. Mum and dad are in their 70s and live 400 miles away, im an only child and there is no other family in the uk.

Dad drinks... A lot. Which makes him agitated and quite unpleasant to be around in the evenings. He is a pillar of the community, a golfer who plays far too much and cant ever let anyone down regarding matches. He drinks and drives.

Mum has depression and severe anxiety, going 6mths at a time without leaving the house. She doesnt drive.

Both are extremely house proud to a point of obsession. Everything has its place, carpets are all pristine white, washing up is done within seconds of meal being eaten.

In the last 8mths i have really struggled with them both, especially last year when dad had covid and mum had a complete breakdown, looked haunted, tears every morning and discussions about him dying. I had to race home ( 7 hrs drive), and was met with dad raging and refusing me access to his phone to download the NHS app. "f-off" was my greeting. I then had 3 weeks of hell where he isolated upstairs for 7 days (only after my other half gave him an utter bollocking for going downstairs and announcing to mum and i 'its my house, ill do what i want and go where i want), constantly grumbled at the food i shopped for, made and put on a tray to him, and generally made clear i was' telling him what to do too much'...

Whilst he was upstairs with his ensuite bathroom, mum was downstairs in her bedroom crying, mumbling and generally a mess. I forced her on daily walks, but she was so teary and haunted that the neighbours (who dont know me) thought i was abducting her and nearly called the police on me.

She has an ensuite to her bedroom.

I found myself sleeping in the 3rd bedroom on the ground floor. But, as i couldnt use dads upstairs ensuite or mums downstairs ensuite (for fear of scaring/waking her and more tears), i spent night after night peeing in the garden and using a spade and loo paper for the rest. It rained 2 nights - fun.

Eventually i escaped, only to face a repeat phone call and similar situation 3mths later. Dad was awful, his behaviour was disgisting, swearing, lying, just grim. Mum fell apart again.

I forced mysrlf to contact mums GP after the first visit and she now has medication, but dads behaviour is awful still and bullying reigns. To curry favour, (she loves/wants a 'dream home'), dad has agreed mum can now have a new ensuite bathroom downstairs and he can have his redone upstairs - using mums savings.

Quotes are in and i am getting wind of them selecting 2 high end bathrooms for around £20,000. Yes, 20,000.

1 problem. Mums will still be with just 1 door to her bedroom, so im back to peeing in the garden if the same scenario occurs again. After not talking to dad for months, i finally lost my rag with my mother last week when i suggested she turns her ensuite into a jack n jill with 2 doors, the second door leading to the hallway - easy to do, and essential for any guest or carer in the future to use.

I reminded her of my experiences in the rain. Naturally, ive been told to mind my own business and it is their house and money... But all i want is a 2nd door to the hall. She can have any bathroom she wants....

Ive been told that 2 doors woukdnt 'work' and if a carer needs a loo in tge future downstairs, then they will knock an opening then. I know that the prospect of workmen in their home in 5yrs to do this will lead to cjaos, flooods of tears, and me arranging it all...

I am just so sad and fed up. There is no thought, no future proofing, and it feels like such a waste. mums present bathroom is really nice, but she wants a new one. God knows the chaos i will face when a new doorway is added and the colours or tiles dont match... Little things like that are causing utter meltdowns now.

Im just so sad. We were not wealthy in my childhood and my parents are repeatedly wasting 10s of thousands of pounds on turning the house into a gilded cage, totally impractical and v lonely. When i discuss sensible budgets, the need for a walk in shower, i just get either sworn at or tears and attempts for pity.

They are so lucky in so many ways, but making themselves miserable and hampering any chance of me helping them. I walk away, then mum calls and lets me know they want new fences, patios and so on... When what they have is really nice already.

Im so fed up and down about it all. The wastefulness makes me really sad. I want to help but they wont let me, then mum wont leave me alone...

I snapped a few days ago and called her 'sooo entitled'... Urgh, rant over x

Take a step back, hard to do in reality, but needed for your own sanity.
Leave them to it.
Is Dad using bluster and arguments to disguise an alcoholic dementia?
I have found some patients use anger and bluster to hide behind. Once you delve deeper, you notice the signs of dementia, but having someone yell at you is designed to drive people away, not look closer.
good Luck

Just leave them to it. They are adults and you are not responsible for them, focus on you. I would seriously report your dad for drink driving though, I wouldn't be having him put other people at risk.

They won't change. You need to change how you react to it. Might be worth thinking about how you do that.

You need to step back. Stop staying there for the sake of your mental health. It’s their choice how they spend their money - no matter how unwise it is.
It’s completely unacceptable for an adult to toilet in the garden. If you don’t have access to a toilet then you simply cannot stay there.

Please please please report your dad for drinking and driving.

If he kills a child, how would you be able to live with yourself knowing that you could have prevented it?

Personally, I would just leave them to it and wouldn't go and visit them again.

As hard as it is to watch, they are adults and it's their choice to behave this way. You cannot change them, only your response to the situation.
In your shoes I'd have a really good think about what support you're willing to offer them, and only do that. You cannot get sucked into trying to change them, I promise you that no one will be happy, least of all you.

I think the good thing about your Mum being on medication is that her GP is now more aware of her.

But honestly... it will drive you mad getting involved with your parents' renovation plans. I agree it's going to be a nightmare. Stay well clear of it. And as a pp said, you can't stay there without a toilet, WTF. Practice saying 'oh dear, that sounds really hard' 'I can't stay just now' and other phrases.

Tbh it sounds as if they are trying to live separately without actually splitting up. They both sound miserable but they are adults. Likewise you have moved hundreds of miles away and I don't blame you. Maybe accept that you needed to do that for your own sanity? So be careful that you recognise the craziness of driving for 7 hours - to do what?

I think you're trying to get too involved, even if it's something you feel strongly about like covid isolation, they are adults and it's their house/life you really need to let them get on with it. Both my dH and I have things we'd love to say/change about our parents but they do things the way they do things and you can't try and control them it will only make you unhappy and drive a wedge between you all. Let them get on with it. I'm shocked you are going to the toilet outside, just don't stay with them and have respect for your own life and feelings. You seem to have developed an unhealthy relationship here.

I feel sorry for your mother but you are not her saviour. She has a very grim life but she could take responsibility for herself and get treatment for her mental health conditions. Thank heaven's the neighbours didn't actually ring the police on you - that would have been rather silly of them.

I don't really understand why you and your partner spent 3 weeks living with them when your Dad had covid anyway. Why did you put yourselves at risk? It doesn't sound like they lack capacity? They're still relatively young.

Let them spend their money how they want. If they expect you to visit them again you can just say "no I won't be coming as I'm not going to go through nocturnal shitting in your garden in the rain again!". No one would say you are unreasonable.

If your Mum only rings you to cry down the phone then stop answering. You sound weirdly enmeshed in their lives. They are your parents yes but it all sounds miserable. You can detatch if you make a bit of an effort.

Argh at random apostrophe!

This ^^!

This ^^ but I would tell them honestly why I can't and won't stay there anymore.

And this ^^!

And of course, this as well ^^!

I agree with all the comments above and what parents allow their daughter to shit in the garden, that's appalling.
Honestly you need to find a way to manage the relationship, but agree its easy for an outsider to say that 💐

After struggling for a long time. My parents are going for ‘respite’ doe 2 weeks but possibly permanently.
dads in hospital and mums going in today.
they can self fund however I’m just looking for paperwork to deal with paying and the money is in a prudential account and the names listed are me and my sibling. It says it a flexible savings plan and our names are under a heading of Lives assured.
can I just contact them and draw money to pay for the care home fees? I have POA for both parents.
sorry if this seems garbled. I’m feeling like the worst daughter ever today.

Sorry ignore me - wrong post

I know very few people who are still isolating from other household members when they've got Covid, so tbh I think your response on that was a little extreme. When my parents had Covid recently, it didn't occur to me to rush over or tell them to isolate from each other - I just phoned regularly to check they were OK, and would have course have gone over if they'd been really ill. They weren't though - they just had stinking cold symptoms.

I agree with all the others about the toilet arrangements. Just say you unfortunately can't go to stay any more unless they sort out the bathroom issue. If you feel you still need to go to see them occasionally, then stay in a hotel or cheap B&B. But if you don't go for a while, that might prompt them to sort out a toilet.

As for the money - where we live £10k for a full bathroom refurb is sadly pretty standard, even with a high street brand. It might be unnecessary spending, but as others have said - it's their money.

I am sympathetic, because they sound like a nightmare, but I really think you need to disengage and see what happens.

I agree with others about the need to disengage, but also understand how hard it is when a parent is crying down the phone.

With my mum, I came to realise that my reactions were supporting her negative thinking, so now I briefly sympathise, then try to focus on helping her to problem solve. I also try (often unsuccessfully) to steer her to talking and thinking about things that are more pleasant for her.

I agree that you should spell out that you can’t visit any more if there is no toilet for you to use. It’s really hard to watch the lack of future-proofing, but if you can’t change it, step back for your own health.