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Elderly parents

Urgent respite needed

22 replies

Borntobeamum · 14/07/2022 13:34

My dad (89) was taken into hospital this morning and my mum (90) cannot be left alone. Dad has said this has made it easier for him to say they’re not coping although my brother and I have been gently suggesting this.
How easy and soon will I be able to find respite care? I’m taking mum to view one home that’s been recommended to us at 3pm.
What questions do I need to ask?
Financially they have approx £100k in savings so they won’t be entitled to any help.
I live 50 miles away and mum cannot manage steps so staying with me isn’t feasible.

Any advice welcome x

OP posts:
BlanketsBanned · 14/07/2022 14:20

They may have an immediate vacancy, you will need to pay upfront, the minimum my family paid was for 2 weeks. If she likes the home they will ask her to sign a contract and will come up with a careplan to check they can meet her needs. Ask if she keeps her own gp or if they need to register her with one the use, ask about visiting, continence products, whats included in the price.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/07/2022 14:24

As above +

Check out the food (if she likes her food) and activities.

If she has dementia: do they offer nursing care so she doesn't need to move home if she needs that in the future

If she doesn't have dementia: how many other residents do not have dementia/have capacity to be companions to her?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/07/2022 14:25

Also phone social services if you haven't already - even though your mum will be self-funding she is at risk of harm so they may be able to help.

Mum5net · 14/07/2022 14:32

Apologies but quicker as a list. These questions are more about a long term stay than just a fortnight.

Has the manager been in post a while? Do they have a deputy? What is staff turnover like? Is the night staff a separate team or does everyone change their shifts like nurses? The answers you want are a strong management team with a well trained settled staff.

Use all your senses. Eyes -look for residents with clean hair, none with talon length finger nails, no stains on clothes. Look for signs of good hygiene practice and lots of clear instruction on notices for staff and visitors Nose Sniff out whether there is a stale smell in the dining area, do the sniff test too for toileting smells. Basically you just want neutral clean smells. Ears Listen out for kindnesses and gentle talk between staff and residents, listen out for how many noisy residents they have and how they keep these residents settled and entertained. Touch Covid allowing, just check that things work to get a sense of their equipment if it is maintained and not tired and broken. Taste Even better if you get a chance to drink a cup of tea and see if they have home made scones in the afternoon. Some places do, some don't

Ask about which room, is it sunny, does she have a place to sit and look out the window? (These may not be important to her) Ask about entertainment and her routine. What's a typical day going to be like and how would they tailor that to her needs and requirements.

Above all look past the decor but into the eyes of the people.Grin The staff should look like they want to work there and the residents should look like they feel at home rather than be zoned out and empty. My DM has been in three care homes. One which was shut down by the Care Commission. One which was v posh but unaffordable and the one which she is in now which has lots of pluses but went through a very tough spell with four managers in a year.

gogohmm · 14/07/2022 14:48

Call adult social services and ask them to help find an urgent place, meanwhile start calling around - remember you can move her if they first home doesn't work out, when speed is of the essence you may need to take what you can get

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/07/2022 19:10

Great advice from @Mum5net , especially the bit about looking behind the decor. I visit lots of care homes, as an HCP. Some of the best ones look a bit tired, because they invest in staff, not decor, and because they don't need to look like a 5* hotel - they get clients through word of mouth.

Of course, you need somewhere clean and tidy, with comfortable facilities, but you don't necessarily need somewhere luxurious - having kind, engaged staff will make far more of a difference to your DM's quality of life.

I would also ask about their arrangements for visits during previous lockdowns (at times when some visiting was permitted). The good homes were really innovative about how to allow as many visits as possible within the rules. It's an indicator of whether they go the extra mile.

RaininSummer · 14/07/2022 19:14

Love that post by mum5net. Will try to remember all that great advice in case I ever need it

Borntobeamum · 14/07/2022 20:27

Thank you everyone.
we will make a decision tomorrow but Mum really likes it. It was tired. But clean and the toilets were ‘absolutely immaculate’ apparently!
they have a room available that will take 2 single beds, 2 chairs, a tv, wardrobe and drawers with a lovely view.
the staff were lovely with the residents, 2 of which mum knew so they were chatting in the garden about the old days.
it’s not ideal. But mum was pleasantly surprised and I think the plan will be 2 weeks respite in the hope they will move in.
Still early days but I’ll keep you updated x

OP posts:
Mum5net · 14/07/2022 21:10

Gosh, OP, you’ve done v well in such a short time frame. As @gogohmm says sometimes you have to take what’s available and can move them later. (My MIL has recently gone into a home and my SILs swapped her elsewhere after six weeks.)
But you sound like you have found somewhere worthy of a try out. Realistically they are in their bedrooms pretty much only to sleep although my DM at 91 is sleeping in her room in the afternoons as well. But cost wise two beds in same room is perfect.
Fingers crossed for you.
We can all chip in with answers as things move to next stage

gunnersgold · 14/07/2022 21:20

If they have room and you have the funds it can be done in a few days . They will need to do a care assessment to make sure they can meet her needs first .

Borntobeamum · 15/07/2022 17:16

Mum has decided she wants to go In Tomorrow, dad will join her on Sunday when he’s discharged from hospital.
I’ve been busy washing and labelling their clothes, collecting meds and seeing dad In Hospital.
I stink! I’m still wearing the same clothes as I had to leave home in a rush and I live 45 miles away.
the boiler broke so we’ve had no hot water or heating - mum was cold and putting on another layer isn’t acceptable when you’re 90 apparently. Their current gas/electric bill is £395. 🤦‍♀️
im so tired. Mum is wanting to go out for a meal but I’ve persuaded her to have Chinese instead.
she’s asked me 4 times what time I’m setting off home. I’m staying the night again. She’s wandered off to the neighbours to ask if they have any spare newspapers. She hopes the care home will have better tv programmes. She wants to watch Wimbledon and it’s not on their tv.
Roll on 11am tomorrow x

OP posts:
Mum5net · 16/07/2022 14:35

@Borntobeamum Hope she’s ‘in’ and all went well this morning. After tomorrow you will be able to get back to yours for a proper change of clothes. For the next fortnight they are safe and with people so don’t feel you have to visit every other day - come back in a week

ApolloandDaphne · 16/07/2022 14:45

I hope she settles in well. It will be a weight off your shoulders to know she is safe and being cared for.

Borntobeamum · 16/07/2022 15:23

I woke at 4.30 and had a good cry. I tried to be strong but sometimes the weight on your shoulders is just too much.
she did well this morning and I was proud of her. She asked which room I was staying In And seemed surprised when I said I wasn’t. She also suggested we went out for a bit of lunch.
My husband came with us and was a rock. We unpacked their belongings and the room looked lovely. I’d taken some photos and put them up.
We left her chatting to an old neighbour in the lounge. I quietly left, thanked the staff and cried when I got in the car.
dad is still In A great deal of pain and I have to call tomorrow to see about discharge.

As an aside, I asked about payment and they said there’s no rush. I was expecting to pay today for the full 2 weeks.

OP posts:
gunnersgold · 16/07/2022 16:32

My mum went for 2 weeks respite on Thursday after a stroke ..not sure what I'm going to do with her after that but it gave us some breathing space ! Shocking how little help you get when they have assets !!🙄🙄

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/07/2022 08:48

mum was cold and putting on another layer isn’t acceptable when you’re 90 apparently Strange thing about getting older is that as your activity level drops it feels as if your metabolism drops and it’s less easy to generate your own heat. So you do need the extra heat, you can’t rely on extra clothes to keep your warmth in when you haven’t got as much warmth as when you were younger.

Shocking how little help you get when they have assets Varies from LA to LA. We had a lot of support from the LA despite making it clear from the start that we were self payers (and there was no way we were going through a financial assessment).

Borntobeamum · 20/07/2022 10:56

Morning everyone.
Just an update. Dad has been moved to a community hospital for rehab. He seems to have deteriorated vastly and although physio are visiting him occasionally, he still flinches from the pain and will only do literally 3 steps. He’s well aware it’s down to him to work on his mobility but I don’t really know whether he cares unfortunately.
Meanwhile mum is still In The care home.
she won’t be there long term however she’s settled remarkably well. I went again yesterday and sat in The garden while they brought her out as they are encouraging visits In The shade In The garden, which was very pleasant. She was dressed beautifully, had had a bath and had her pearls and perfume on. She was thrilled to see me. I stayed at their home last night and meeting my brother to take her out for lunch and to visit dad.
It’s still very early days, but I’m very proud of how she’s adapted.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 23/07/2022 13:12

How are you doing @Borntobeamum? Are you able to get any time for you?

Borntobeamum · 23/07/2022 14:51

Mum5net Thank you so much for asking.
Dad isn’t making much effort I’m
afraid. He’s scared of the pain so not doing a great deal with the physios. Apparently OT will be calling me mon or tues about discharging him. I doubt the care home will be able to meet his needs though I spoke to them today and they have a hoist If needed. He ‘can’ transfer from chair to bed etc but complains about the pain, despite having a cocktail of drugs.

We took mum out for lunch yesterday and she was amazingly good. Happy and chatty and quite complementary about the home. Apart from the food isn’t hot enough.
We intended to take her to see dad but on the way we hit traffic which was gridlocked and she announced she couldn’t wait for the toilet. We detoured back to the home where they announced someone had tested positive for corona so mum had to stay there and we cannot visit at the moment.
This has meant I have the weekend to take stock and relax a little.

I know we need to find a different home as dad would hate it there.
Where to start is the question.

Thank you so much for asking. This is quite a lonely road to travel isn’t it?
Have a lovely weekend x

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 23/07/2022 17:17

I'd dad is in hospital them please ask discharge / social work team to see him

They may be able to send him to a re enablement bed which will have MDT (physio OT etc) support to get him as good as he can be so you can decide after then. Re enablement beds are often non chargeable for doesn't 6 weeks as old style community hospitals used to offer that so nhs and social care often have local targeted budgets to do that. Ask on the ward for discharge/ liaison team to contact you. If you offer to arrange private self funded respite he may not get the same service

Tiani4 · 23/07/2022 17:18

Re enablement beds are often in local Nursing homes that have block (bought nhs/ Social care) beds just for this as the MDT visit regularly and will develop a re enablement plan for him

Tiani4 · 23/07/2022 17:23

Ah just realised he is in a community hospital for rehab instead now

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