How do you cope with stubborness and denial?

[Frazzledmummy123]

I am at the end of my tether with my parents with their denial, especially now as it is potentially getting dangerous. Please don't say sit down and speak to them because I have and all I've got is laughed at, sarcasm and defensiveness.

My parents especially my mum, tend to not face up to anything they don't want to and have always been like this. They'll change subject if they hear something they don't like, and they'll happily plod on until a crisis hits and they can no longer hide from it. No surprise this is how.they are being in old age.

• Both are in their 80s.
• They live in a house nowhere near shops, public transport, etc yet refuse taxis and online shopping (which I'd do for them), or me do shopping for them.
• My dad can barely walk and only has one stick which came about after a fall (it was a fight enough to get him that). Outdoors he falls about, holds on to nearby walls, railings, my 81 year old mum, etc yet won't entertain a 2nd stick or walking frame. Apparently 'he doesnt need it' 🤯 .
• If I point out someone using a walking frame my mum says "they are at least 90" (firstly, they aren't, and secondly, my dad is 85 so only 5 years off).
• The house is between 2 steep hills which he can't climb so without car he is housebound.
• He still drives and seems safe enough but has started to take a lot of wrong turnings in very familiar areas, and not sure about calling dvla as I can't see him actively choosing to stop driving.
• My dad constantly calls my son by my cousin's name, and frequently recounts day trips with me as being with my son.
• Other mild signs of dementia is there but total denial. My mum normalises it all and constantly insists it is just 'senior moments'. *They use phrases like "in years to come" about needing things like walking aids, etc, when they needed it (for safety reasons) years ago.

I could go on and on. I am sick with worry and I know this isn't about me, but it is directly affecting my life too with the relentless anxiety and worry. I have 3 kids, 2 with additional needs so I struggle to manage dealing with it on top of what I already have.

I don't know where to turn and watching it all unfold in front of me but nothing get done is disturbing 😥. I get my face bitten off or sarcy comments if I say anything, and nothing will be faced up to.

What do I do?

Nothing.

They are telling you very clearly they would rather struggle than have their lives changed in ways they don't want. I would try to accept that.

At some point this will fall to pieces and at least one of them will be in hospital. Probably multiple times.

But right now they aren't depending on you, they want to be independent. Therefore you don't get a say.

It often takes a crisis for anything to change. As their children we are trying to avert that, to make the changes before one or other ends up in hospital but they are adults, you can't step in and make them do what is best for them. The one thing you can address is your anxiety. Yes, at some point one or other of them will fall/be in hospital/die. At least one of those things will happen and when it does you'll have to deal with it. You can see that worrying about it now has no effect on their behaviours but makes you stressed out.

You could write a letter to their doctor with concerns about the memory issues, they may pick up on it at the next routine appointment. You could leave your parents with the number for community transport/ a taxi service "as parking is so difficult these days". You could tell them you'd help them move when the time comes. Then, hard as it is, you could leave them to get on with their lives.

What will most likely happen is that one of them will have a fall and be taken into hospital. From there the hospital will insist they can only go home when a care package/OT appointment/house adjustment are in place. Until then there isn't much you can do.

You are allowing them to live in the delusion of ' coping ' because ( said in the nicest possible way ) you are enabling them.
You can't ' fix it all ' for them because in their heads nothing is wrong , all is well.
The answer for your own sake , it to pull away . Visit them as you would have done 5/10 years ago , socially only.
Yes it might upset you that they get your son's name wrong / speak as family outings from years ago were much recent . Just nod and agree , it's not worth the hassle.
Ask them to make a list of shopping they need , and do online shopping for them , getting what's on the list only .

I know this isn't about me, but it is directly affecting my life too with the relentless anxiety and worry. I have 3 kids, 2 with additional needs so I struggle to manage dealing with it on top of what I already have.

It is all about you. You and your DCs.

They need you more than your DP (who are rejecting your concerns).

Shift your focus back to yourself. Detach in your head from them and try to manage your anxiety with self care. Step away from the relentless frustration - no doubt your efforts will be called on in due course - save yourself for that if it helps you detach emotionally.

We all only have finite headspace, time and emotional energy - don’t squander it on those who don’t need or want it. Conserve it for yourself and young family and try to concentrate on making that as relaxed and enjoyable as possible for you all.

Don’t tolerate or put yourself in the company or firing line of snipy people.

Lots of us have been through this. It’s a very long game - I would drop the rope for now.

Want to echo what others have said. They are elderly, but still have the capacity to make decisions. They are therefore allowed to make bad decisions. It’s frustrating, but it’s what it is - all you can do is say your piece and wait for the inevitable disaster to happen. My line with my mother, who is as stubborn and uncooperative as they come, is now “well, you know best as always”. There is nothing that you can do other than accept that.

For the sake of my mental health and relationships I've chosen to completely step back.
I make it very clear to DM, care workers, doctors, nurses that as long as she has capacity she is free to make her own choices good or bad.
It isn't easy but I was really struggling. I have made the choice not to enable her behaviours.

I agree with others that you can't make them see they need help, and it will likely be a fall that lands your DF in hospital that will be what makes real changes happen.

However I would call the DVLA, I very much doubt he is fit to drive.

Good advice above. I have been there, OP, with both parents, and I get how stressful it is, but ultimately it is their choice. You can't make them make a different choice, you can only change how you react to it.

There may well be early dementia, but it doesn't sound as if they lack capacity yet. And, to be fair to your DF, this bit -

My dad constantly calls my son by my cousin's name, and frequently recounts day trips with me as being with my son

does sound totally normal for anyone older - it's not necessarily dementia. Ageing affects memory recall in everyone.

Pull back, stop worrying yourself sick, and leave them alone.

I say that not only as someone in my 60s contemplating getting older, but also having seen all this with my elderly mother before she went into nursing care.

It sounds as though your parents are on the verge of dementia, and can't cope as well as they used to with daily tasks, both physically and mentally. But accept that they want to be independent as long as possible. Your pointing out everything wrong is not helping and of course they're going to deny it, and not listen. What's the alternative? Someone else do things for them and erode their freedom?

Step back and leave them to enjoy what they have before they really can't cope. My own mother wouldn't accept any help at all, my sister and I visited but waited until she really needed assistance before doing anything. Yes, my mother had problems shopping, she would leave the oven on and even get lost in her own garden (!) and eventually fell down the stairs, but it was her choice. Even when we sorted out carers she would send them away or threaten them with her walking stick. Of course in the end she went into care but that was some time down the line.

I'm afraid I would be the same. Obviously I'm not in my 80s yet but the thought of my own adult children telling me I needed help or flitting around trying to "do" things for me, fills me with horror. I shall be telling them to piss off and live their own lives, not mine. If I want to struggle on for a few more years, I shall.

The only thing I would agree with is the driving. If someone is really dangerous on the road, I would be reporting them to the DVLA, I don't care if it's your parent or not. There are serious repercussions for other, innocent drivers if you don't. (When I retire I shall be giving up my car, mostly for the sake of the planet, but also because I don't want to be an 'elderly' driver).

I would just step back. It easier said than done but you have tried to give them advice that they refused to listen to. They think they are able to still do it all and don't want to accept that they need to make changes.
They think that walkers, stair lifts ect are just for old people but don't want to acknowledge that need to use them or they need some extra support to stay at home. My feeling is that it just a matter of time before something happens and one of them will end up in hospital. Then services will get involved and check out the house ect.

The one thing I would do is report your father to the DVLA as from what you're saying I don't think he is able to drive. I also contact his doctor and let them know what you have seen because it makes the doctor aware of what's going on.

One of my friends gave advice to her mother over 20 years ago. Her mother refused to do anything about this then and ended up worse off.
This lady lives in a big family home in the countryside and is a 2 mile drive to the nearest shop. The house has a big garden and requires a lot of maintenance. A few years ago my friend suggested she sold this house and moved into town. Her mother was not happy with this suggestion.
Now her mother is in her early/mid 80's. My friend has noticed cognitive decline and along with this her sight is possibly getting worse. My friend has encouraged her to use the local bus service so that if her mother loses her driving license she can still get around.

My friend has decided to step back and make plans for their own life which won't include caring for her mother.

Excellent advice above, only thing I would say is to get Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare and Finances while they have capacity. You can assure them that you will only use them if they’re unable to speak for themselves. It was invaluable when my DM was totally out of it in hospital, she recovered sufficiently to be able to make her own decisions about her care. The financial one meant that I could access her bank account to pay for anything she wanted. As the solicitor who arranged it (another story) explained to her, she would still be able to spend her money however she wished even if I thought otherwise.
See if they will consider applying for Attendance Allowance, it takes a while to process but helps pay for some help.
By all means contact the GP, they won’t be able to discuss anything with you but it will be noted.

You have to back off. I’ve been there too with my elderly parents and I know it’s hard. They are in complete denial. They are horrified at using any aids that would help them. I still suggest things as I can’t help myself. I know they won’t take any notice but it makes me feel better. Then it’s up to them.

I agree something will happen so it’s a crisis eg one of them will end up in hospital and the other will find it hard to cope alone.

I think you are my long lost sister and if you’ve had a similar week to me we’ll get help for your dc, go to the pub and have too much to drink. No advice I’m afraid, but you are not alone and I’ve shed more than a solitary tear this week. 💐

Definitely agree with this

Just another echo of above:

• Get POA in place if it isn't already (for "in case you get run over by a bus" rather than "because I think you're starting with dementia").


• Dob your dad in to the DVLA anonymously if you think he's dangerous (but not if he just keeps getting lost)


• Stand back and let them enjoy their independence while they have it.

I feel your pain. My Dad is like this and it's a nightmare. He covers up so well that despite being hospitalised numerous times after falls and mini-strokes he still doesn't meet the threshold for intervention, so don't assume that will trigger social care getting involvement as suggested by a PP.

I am in exactly the same position with my parents but have the added complication that I live in a different country to them .I just came back last night after spending two weeks with them .I had so much to sort out and came back not having achieved anything because half way through I released I was wasting my breath and wearing myself out arguing with them . I have this feeling that what they want is for me to take all the problems away but they seem unable to meet me in the middle or to make any changes . I think also that I have to let it go and let what is going to happen, happen and then deal with it. I have done my best but I realised last week that I have to let it go for my own sake .

As long as you're not plugging the gaps then you do nothing. If you are, step back. They've made their life decisions and will now live with the consequences.
Only when a crisis develops will things change.
Take a look in your local A&E. Rammed with examples of the fallout from living like this. I was a district nurse for many years and saw it play out a thousand times, often at the families expense.
Put your own family and mental health first.

You just have to step back
We reached crisis point last year and me and my brother sat down my mum and sdad to say we thought they needed to review their living arrangements. They agreed with everything we said but that they wanted to go to Norway on holiday before doing anything (no idea why Norway). Them DM fell and broke her hip so she’s wheelchair bound and his dementia is so bad he rarely gets out of bed. They still won’t listen though because they “love their neighbours” who pop on to say hello once a week at most. They did manage a UK break but sdad passed out in the bath and almost drowned and ended up spending a week in hospital miles away. I have given up trying to get them to face reality now
I just keep an eye on them and wait for the next crisis

Thank you everyone for your replies, I appreciate every single one of them ❤. I am sorry for those of you who have similar, it really is very stressful.

I agree with you all who say that I need to just step back and accept they are choosing to live like that. What makes it so difficult is I have to listen to all the moans about how isolated they are and how they can't do this, can't do that, etc.

Also, I find it heart breaking to think they could have more freedom like go away for a couple of nights, etc, if he would use a walking aid.

Op, you learn the hardest thing of all: to let go.

As PP said, chances are there’ll be a crisis and SS will get involved. Save your energy for that.

In the meantime, if things really do get life-threatening, you can call emergency social services who will visit and put Carers in.

My parents are in a very similar situation except my dad is 89. After a great deal of persuasion and a lot of arguments they have a 20 minutes carer in the morning and a cleaner once a week. They will not accept any more help.
I think you need to take a step back and wait until a crisis arises which happened here

what a helpful thread. Thank you all MN who have taken the time to write. I was just scrolling through Elderly parents considering my own post which was going to be titled something to the effect "its downhill from here isn't it?"....and stumbled on this post. the answer is "yes". My DM is nowhere near as bad as pp and OP, but I can see it all in front of me. The stubbornness, the independence, the unintentional enabling (my me). thank you for all being so honest.

What makes it so difficult is I have to listen to all the moans about how isolated they are and how they can't do this, can't do that, etc. “Yes, it is easier to become isolated when you’re older, isn’t it?” “Yes, it’s frustrating when you can’t do things you used to do” Acknowledge what they’ve said, but don’t own the problem and make it yours to solve.

rehearse the answers and get them on autopilot, so you can respond without listening at more than a superficial level.