My dad is dying and I feel so guilty

[Capricorn8990]

I posted on here a while back about my dad being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s on top of his diagnosis of vascular dementia. He has COPD and heart failure too.

I was due to give birth on 08/07 but baby girl came 20 days early on 18/06. My dad hadn’t been well during my pregnancy and had been bringing up his tablets and food. However he really deteriorated following my baby girls birth. He’s now on end of life care and today cannot speak.

my baby girl is now 3 weeks old and I’m trying to enjoy her, whilst going to see my mum and dad and being strong. It’s tough. I feel so guilty because I can’t be as supportive as I want to be. Luckily my sister and brother are helping my mum a lot more than I can, but I feel guilty when I go out with my partner and daughter as a 3.

What are the signs that death is near? I want to be prepared and be there when he passes.

Life is so cruel. I wish he wasn’t suffering 😔

What a difficult time for you. I don't know if there are any definitive signs that someone is dying. It's very much like being in labour and varies so much from one individual to the next. The only experience I have is of my own dad who had cancer - just two weeks from diagnosis until he died. From the Friday afternoon he was unable to speak properly - really just making vowel sounds rather than speaking - but still alert enough to respond to questions. I would say a family phrase and he would reply with appropriate sounds but not real words - ie I knew what he was trying to say but no one else would recognise the words.

The next part of my post is my experience of being with him in the last few days. It's my experience and may or may not be helpful so I'll put it in italics so you know that you don't have to read it if it will upset you.

He was in hospital after suddenly losing his sight and had been for a month before the diagnosis.

I visited him on the Friday afternoon and he was terribly weak and looked as though he had had a stroke. I had a long chat with the nurse who said that he was approaching the end and would be moved to a side ward later that day. From then on he could have all the visitors he/we wanted and I could move in if I wanted to.

I spent all day with him on the Saturday and went back again on the Sunday morning. He was clearly in some pain and the nurse said that they would call the doctor and set up a morphine driver. Within half an hour of that he was completely unresponsive but they couldn't give me any idea of how long it would be. That night my husband came when he finished work and we stayed the night in his room (I was terrified of being alone with him when he died). He lasted through the night, still unresponsive, no real change and mid morning we decided to go home. I wanted a shower and needed to see my mum who was disabled and unable to visit him. My husband had to go to work in the afternoon and I decided to stay home until the next morning.

The following morning the hospital phoned just as the children were leaving for school to say that he had passed away.

There was no real difference between Sunday night and Tuesday morning, just that his heart stopped. I had no problem about not being with him because he was a very private man and would not have wanted me crying over him but I know that other people would be comforted by being with their loved ones as they go.

I also want to say congratulations on your lovely baby. Hopefully in the weeks to come you will be able to take comfort from the fact that he knew she had arrived and you were both safe and well after the birth and that will help. Don't feel guilty about enjoying her. I really hope that she will bring the joy back to your life after such a very sad time.

Hi, I am going through the same thing. My father is at his end as well and my mother in longterm. I don't have children but I go every day since I knew my father was going to go to his new journey. It is really hard.

I have looked for signs too but it very confusing. I hope someone will be able to answer you.
I do know that my father was taken off all medication and other things. He cannot eat food any more due to hard on swallowing but I continue to give him water. I thought there are signs and I thought hungry (starvation) and fluids they would not take-not so with fluids.

It breaks my heart too.

@melinafion, it's not advisable for someone approaching their end to eat - the person concerned may well have trouble swallowing solids and will be unable to digest them anyway. The signals your DDad is giving may well be thirst and you can use the 'lollipops' to provide mouth care and small amounts of moisture which are manageable for him. I'm very sorry you're going through this horrible experience. 

@Capricorn8990, I'm certain that your DDad would want you to enjoy your lovely little girl. Please don't feel guilty about it as I'm sure if your Dad could tell you, he would say that's what he wants.
I'm sorry to say that no-one can really answer your question about how long it will be. It's an unpredictable thing, but in his last hours he might start to have noisy breathing amongst other things.
It might be useful to you to read the link here:
https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/terminal-illness/preparing/final-moments
I found the sound of my dad's breathing quite distressing, but he was comfortable thanks to a syringe driver - it helped to keep him calm and without pain.
I hope I've offered you some comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Gosh I am going through the same thing with my Dad although he is in hospital & I don’t have a newborn baby - big hugs I literally don’t know what else to say. This waiting part must be the hardest right? I genuinely think the inevitable end result will be easier then this waiting.

Thank you for all of your replies. I’m sorry that I’ve taken so long to reply, my app isn’t working on my phone.

i am also sorry to hear that some of you have gone through or are going through the same.

Sadly, my dad passed away on 12th July. It was very peaceful. My family are trying to be strong for my mum. He was her soul mate. I’ve never seen a love like theirs.

I have been informed of a charity called Cruse which offer a grieving helpline. They do offer long term support but apparently there is a long waiting list.

life really can be cruel and work in mysterious ways.. x