I don’t think I can do this anymore

[Cloveranddaisies]

I have been supporting my elderly father for the past 2 years. The idea of telling him I can’t go there anymore would be a huge relief. I’m beginning to feel that if I don’t the idea of finding another way out is quite a relief too.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this and so it’s easier to keep helping him. It’s draining me though and having to put up with him treating me like a child and taking me for granted is killing my self esteem and making it hard to be positive and motivated with the other areas of my life.

Anyone else feel like this? What is the best way to cope?

Yes but I won't do it , does your father have the means to pay for care ? If so make a plan and give him a date that you are changing it to so he has time to get used to it .
It's not fair to waste your best years caring for someone who isn't grateful .

If he doesn't have the means then start the ball rolling for an assessment to get the help organised .

You need to arrange care for him. We did, was a massive relief.

You are not alone. The last two years of caring for my lovely mum who I have always been close to brought me to breaking point. We had carers twice a day which she bitterly resented.

If you are going to be relying on Social Services to provide carers (they do a financial assessment) you need to start the ball rolling straight away with the GP and the local council but there could be a long wait. Pre pandemic my mum was assessed as needing care but it was 5 months before a care company took her on.

When the carers started - two visits a day - it freed me up but I also had to cope with the misery/complaints from my mum every day because they were only coming because I was too selfish to care for her myself. (I also had a husband, two daughters and a home of my own to look after but she felt she had first call on my time and energy.

Even with those two calls I was broken by the time the crisis came and she ended up in hospital and then in a home.

Thank you for your replies. Really helpful. Sorry to hear of your experience ithinkisaw… My father had 4 calls per day from carers 2 years ago and hated it. He has one meal per day from meals on wheels. I do him a high fibre protein rich salad for the other meal and nag him several times a day to make sure he’s prioritising eating on time and meeting his fluid requirement which he resents me doing. I do his shopping. He could have it delivered I suppose but wouldn’t be able to put it away.

I phoned him yesterday evening and my brother was there doing the garden and had had a meeting with an estate agent with my dad about his house sale and he got really impatient with me. 7.30 in the evening and he hadn’t had tea nor finished his drinking for the day.

Uses a walker. His balance is poor and so is his memory. He passed his driving assessment but no consideration that in order to get to his car, or from it the other end he is likely to risk life and limb because he is too proud to be seen outside with his walker.

He originally had help from a reablement team who had no understanding of my father’s poor balance. Probably because of the lack of communication and understanding on discharge. I managed to prolong his physio sessions until recently and eventually the physio realised that this was his main problem but my father still refuses to accept this, viewing the physio as negative, unhelpful and as criticising him.

No insight from my brother either who thought covid was a hoax and got told to stay away when my father was in hospital. We don’t speak.

If I stop going there, I’m sure it would only be a matter of time before my father decides to go out in his car, with his stick etc…

In the past, personal care is what was on offer with carers. He manages this at the moment. How do I find trustworthy help for everything else though?

I can feel my blood pressure going up as I write this and exhausted at the thought of everything I have to do for him today. It’s just no way to be is it?

I don't know the answer but I do sympathise.

My DF isn't demanding and appreciates what I do but I've ended up as default carer as he's unwell. Luckily he doesn't need personal care or anything but I'm going most days and helping with various tasks, and it's really getting me down.

Everyone else in the family seems to just pop in for a cuppa but I feel a great sense of responsibility for him, and it's a real weight on my shoulders. I also feel guilty because I'm sick of it!

I’ve told my father that I can’t manage to do it all anymore. I’ve said I’ll help him for as long as he needs me to but to phone the social worker tomorrow to see how he’d find the support he needs.

On the one hand I feel relieved to have set the ball rolling but on the other hand, sick to the stomach with worry about his future. However I decide to play it, the end result is stress and worry.

Did you tell him to call the social worker or will you? I know for sure my mum wouldn't ! In my experience you need to set a plan then tell him what it is and then leave him to the plan and go back to being his daughter !

After 5 years of caring for his DF, my DH has got to breaking point. We are looking at care homes. FiL will make this very difficult but I will step in on my DH’s behalf and move things along. My DH is so patient and considerate, his DF treats him like a child and cannot/ will not see how his choices have taken away DH’s choices. It cannot carry on.
OP I hope you have the strength to put yourself first and have a life. You deserve it and will feel so much better once the burden has lifted.

Does he get Attendance Allowance? If not, get an application going - it's not means testing and gives some leeway as to what can be outsourced straightaway.

The reality is you are breaking your back at the moment, and it isn't enough to please him, so stop trying. Work out what you are prepared to do as 'daughter' (eg the mental load of arranging appointments etc) and then outsource the rest. tell him that's what you are doing, and he will have to accept it. I left it too late with my mum, and it was only a question of time before one of us had a stroke (it ended up being her). Looking back, I wish I had done it sooner rather than run myself into the ground.

Gunnersgold, I think he will call the social worker. He is forgetful and lacks insight into my situation but he does have some common sense.

Although he won’t comment on how my brother is, (thinks covid is a hoax etc), I think he realises that he couldn’t be relied on for everything I do.

Caramac and notafly, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. Thank God I’m not alone in my experience of being treated like a child. That generation of male can be so misogynistic too. So bad for self esteem.

He doesn’t get attendance allowance. I will look into it, thanks.The thought of a stroke is something I’m aware of.

I don’t know if I will be able to tell my father to do anything. He is very stubborn. I’m also up against my brother who, although I have nothing to do with, is very arrogant and controlling.

My father will do whatever he can to stay independent and my brother will do whatever he can to take control if he can when I take a step back. I worry that I could end up never seeing my father again but I might have to just accept that.

But your father isn't independent, is he? He is hugely reliant on you to be his care giver. The more you do, the more you allow him that facade.

I would recommend that you set out where you are drawing the line with him, and what alternatives you can suggest are put in place to fill those gaps. It will be hard for you to do, but trust me, better to be considered a bad daughter now than to just try and carry on in this way - it will only get worse (trust me, I know).

Checkout the Cockroach cafe thread for the bad daughters club.

Ah, thanks so much for this latest post. I’ve got this guilt feeling constantly chipping away at me but I’m trying to counteract it by reminding myself of these posts which I know come from experience.

He has phoned his local council who have told him about lots of voluntary services in his area. He will find out what they can offer and I will continue to support him in the meantime and help with what they can’t do for now.