Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

89yo Mum severe and worsening fatigue - do we just accept its her age/health?

46 replies

MaryMargaret · 03/07/2022 19:10

Mum lives alone and independently bar visits from me or DSis every 2-3 weeks or so. She has COPD and early heart failure, also being treated for a heart arrthymia, so is on loads of medications.

She has grow steadily less able to do active things over the past few years - she can do so much then suddenly becomes catastrophically tired and feels dreadful, gets an unpleasant headache, and can be wiped out - at worst, for several days. How much she can do before that happens has been dwindling slowly for years, but now, is rapidly diminishing to the point where I fear she won't be able to carry on independently - and more to the point, I fear she won't be able to get any pleasure out of life at all.

She has talked to both her GP and cardiologist about this but they have never really been able to explain it- they order ecgs etc and say nothing much has changed.

She isn't on oxygen as her sats are OK, and she hasn't got a lot of fluid retention etc either.

My hunch is that it is probably an effect of her many many medications, combined with the fact that the less she does, the less she can do. But it is not for the want of trying, she isn't lazy - she is constantly having to 'titrate' what she can do vs how much she has in the tank before she regrets doing 'just a bit too much'.

She is trying to arrange to get a cleaner coming in, though organising that in itself is a dauting (exhausting) prospect for her now. But with things changing so fast, not sure how long even that would keep her going.

Does anyone recognise this? - in particular, in association with heart failure (or any of the other things she has). Just looking for similar experiences really - I am not madly hopeful there is much anyone can do, but thought it was worth asking.

OP posts:
nether · 03/07/2022 19:13

Has she had a full blood count done recently? Any other newish symptoms in addition to fatigue - joint pain, return of hot flushes, bleeding gums or bruising easily, unexplained weight loss?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 03/07/2022 19:23

Ok, I’m going to suggest things which may have been done already or that you may not want or be able to do - so apologies for that.

  1. take over getting her a cleaner/gardener whatever she’s finding difficult to organise. It is possible the extra stress/anxiety over arranging it is exacerbating her other conditions.
  2. is she eating a varied, healthy diet? Maybe top up with some vitamin pills or suggest an easy meal delivery system such as Wiltshire farm foods.
  3. you mention medication interactions. Perhaps take her meds list to her pharmacist and ask their expert opinion. They are literally the experts in medicine reactions, and can easily look up what can/cannot be prescribed in combination.
  4. ask your dm if she would let you accompany her to dr/GP appointment, it might be that there is something that she hasn’t quite passed on to you regarding her health.
PragmaticWench · 03/07/2022 19:27

A check on her iron levels would be a good start. Really hard when you can see she's trying, I imagine she feels rotten. Perhaps a conversation about what she might like to put in place 'down the line' for support, so at least you know and it's not a confrontational 'we must do this now' discussion.

goldfinchonthelawn · 03/07/2022 19:28

If she doesn't get out much she could have very poor Vit DF levels. Get her some spray that goes under the tongue. If that is the problem, she;ll recover very quickly. Same with iron levels. You could give her some herbal iron supplements and see if they help.

MaryMargaret · 03/07/2022 19:36

Thank you both

@Nether - she has had a blood test fairly recetnly, she has to have them regularly because of one of her medications. None of those other things you mention though (and I am sure she would have told me, she doesn't suffer in silence - which actually I appreciate!)

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 - yup thanks, I am visiting soon and was already thinking I should arrange to stay a bit longer (I usually stay a couple of days anyway as it's not a day trip from here) if not this time then next, to do exactly that - do some phoning round and 'interviewing' etc.

Her diet is very good I'd say, salad at lunchtime, and a rota of ready meals for evenings, and she has a table full of all kinds of supplements - she's pretty well up on that sort of thing, luckily.

I think as I said to Nether, she wouldn't be keeping quiet about anything deliberately I don't think - but it is possible that she hasn't heard/remembered everything she's been told. I have been to appointments with her before, and it is always a good idea I think, and I know she has one in a couple of weeks, so I'll see if she wants me to go along. And the pharmacy is a good shout, they know more about drugs than GPs do don't they? - especially as some of the drugs were prescribed by the hospital anyway.

Appreciate your answers!

Still keen to hear anyone's experiences of how heart failure in particular, affects people, and if anyone recognises this kind of pattern?

OP posts:
MaryMargaret · 03/07/2022 19:38

mmm - iron and vit D spray both sound easy to do, so I'll see what I can get at the pharmacy before my next visit. I have always assumed iron at least would be tested for with the blood tests - but maybe not? tx

OP posts:
twordle · 03/07/2022 19:45

I recognise that from my grandmother who had heart failure. More & more tired over years that started as you describe but with various issues - swelling legs, water on lungs & dementia also kicked in at the end. Everyone of course is different; we just went at her pace with everything. There was little quality of life in the end but it was ultimately a very slow gentle release. Treasure the time x

MaryMargaret · 03/07/2022 20:06

Thank you @twordle

Mum's lungs still OK, and legs still OKish as in, not really swollen - she does wear compression socks - but her legs do feel heavy, she says.

I am guessing your dgm needed quite a bit of nursing care eventually? I think my Mum has done amazingly as the COPD and heart failure diagnoses were many years ago now, but maybe its time I informed myself a bit more about the condition.

Thank you again x

OP posts:
twordle · 03/07/2022 20:15

@MaryMargaret yes she had a live in carer for last 6 weeks mainly due to the dementia. We all live close by and managed on a rota system between us for a couple of years prior to that. I'd start looking into care options & try to have those conversations with her as everything takes a lot longer than you'd expect - we resorted to very expensive (but priceless too) private care as social care simply not available even though she qualified financially. It's tough seeing them slow down/ decline. Take care x

Shallysally · 03/07/2022 20:24

Hi OP. My father in law had heart failure. His symptoms were the same as your DM’s. Things became very difficult for him due to the fatigue.
We ended up taking over a lot of things, I’d batch cook and take him the meals for the freezer. I’d go over every couple of weeks and do his housework that he wasn’t able to do.
I also established a good relationship with the GP practice, with his consent of course. This made things so much easier when we were concerned about his medication etc.

DFinlaw was unwell during the initial lockdown and we contacted a community team who were supporting CV and older people. Might be worth having a look at the relevant town’s Facebook page to see if anything is still available. Either that or maybe a befriender who can do pop in checks and have a cuppa, it’s a pair of eyes, give you peace of mind?

It’s a worrying time, be kind to yourself Flowers

AmericanStickInsect · 03/07/2022 20:27

It's probably a combination of all the things you mentioned, with meds playing a part.
Referral to Geriatrician/Frailty clinic from the GP could be really useful to tease out what's best to do to preserve quality of life.

LizziesTwin · 03/07/2022 20:28

My local hospital runs a clinic for patients with COPD, they have exercises to do, talks about nutrition etc. The lady I know who attends enjoys it, it’s twice a week for about 2 hours at a time. I think you can receive hospital transport to help you get there.

thesandwich · 03/07/2022 20:31

Does your dm have poa in place? Vital as soon as possible. You can register at her gp for access to records/ info with her consent.
getting a cleaner in asap is a good step. Age ik, carers association or local recommendation is best. Local authority website a good resource.

Womaninthebrownhat · 03/07/2022 20:40

This sounds a lot like my mom, she is excessively tired has COPD etc have the doctors checked your mom's kidney function? This is what is causing my mom's fatigue.

MaryMargaret · 03/07/2022 21:23

So many helpful answers, thank you. Yes, POA health and finance are both in place. We have started to talk about care options (only just) - as is doubtless very usual she really doesn't like having people coming in and finds that stressful and tiring in itself - but we are going to need to think through is that prefereable to moving into residential - or would she rather do that and have everything domestic taken care of - albeit on their terms. Many thanks for the heads up on getting looking sooner rather than later. I had done some desultory googles but I can see we need to approach this with a bit more solid application.

She has a GP appointment in a couple of weeks for a review so I think asking to see a geriatrician/frailty specialist is a great idea. I wonder if they do phone consultations if none in the local practice - she has suddenly got to the point of dreading even getting in a car: she was driving herself (though only tiny journeys) only a month or two ago :(

I am hoping she will let me or Dsis go to the appt too - she can certainly ask about kidneys, iron, vit d etc

Re a cleaner - she's tried Age UK and they didn't have anyone in her location unfortunately, but I think the local authority list is the one she hasn't got round to looking at. Definitely something I will be tackling when I visit.

Accepting the virtual handholds from everyone on here. She has just decided she can't care for her cat any longer, and as the cat is elderly too, and not in great health there is only one way to resolve that I fear. It's so upsetting 😥

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 04/07/2022 11:15

I'm sorry I have no experience with heart failure but with regard to the cat could you contact the Cinnamon Trust? They might be able to support your mum in caring for him/her. cinnamon.org.uk/home/

MaryMargaret · 04/07/2022 17:12

Oh thank you hairbrush. I'll chat to her about that.

One problem with Mum is she hates anyone coming to the house, she finds it really stressful, even if the task is necessary (as for example, she accepts she needs a cleaner). She doesn't even want me and dsis to stay that long!

Anyhow it will be Mum's decision and I'll have to support it I think (keeping my powder dry I guess). I can't have the cat here and neither can dsis, as we each have cats who will NOT be nice to a newcomer.

Mum's cat is starting to decline too - pees a lot and sleeps most of the time, so I am guessing kidneys? Though apparently not suffering and still enjoying her food etc. But the pee in or worse, next to the tray is too much for Mum to deal with physically. (has to be cleaned out pronto or she won't use the tray at all) Ugh it feels awful and I know Mnet takes a dim view of euthanasing animals when they are not in pain, but I actually think that, even if it were possible, moving the cat somewhere else would be cruel.

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 04/07/2022 17:26

That's so hard - maybe even moving her would be enough to send her into a decline (talking about the cat obviously!) but the Cinnamon Trust might have more ideas.

I knew my mum was really deteriorating when she didn't want her dog back after he came to stay with us when she was in hospital. He visited her a few times but she didn't want me to leave him with her, even for 10 minutes.

I don't necessarily subscribe to keeping an animal come what may - I think people should do the best for them and sometimes that means letting them go a little earlier than they might do naturally.

MaryMargaret · 04/07/2022 17:49

Oh gosh hairbrush, that's so telling, isn't it?

Thanks for your kind words.

I'm hoping my sister is the one to take on the task when the time comes, as I'm not sure I'll be able to hide how upsetting I am finding it - both because of the cat, and because of what it means re my Mum. Dsis has a 'brisk' side to her which is extremely valuable at times...

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 04/07/2022 18:00

Self cleaning litter tray - might buy you time?

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/07/2022 08:26

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 04/07/2022 18:00

Self cleaning litter tray - might buy you time?

Oh, gosh! I was reading in reverse order and hadn’t seen the cat. I thought you meant for her mum Grin

MaryMargaret · 05/07/2022 10:11

MereDint !! Happily Mum can still manage her own toileting :D <fingers crossed>

Thank you Alphabet I suspect that wouldn't buy us very long (and the prices!!) - though I admit I had no idea such things existed.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 05/07/2022 13:03

@MereDintofPandiculation 🤣🤣

motogirl · 05/07/2022 13:08

I would, if finances permit, organise a cleaner to come in twice a week to clean but also change bedding, do washing etc, really helps. Independent person or small local cleaning agencies are more likely to be suitable - I found one with dbs checked staff who did a home help service for £15 an hour.

MaryMargaret · 05/07/2022 15:39

Thanks Moto, going to visit at rhe w/e so I will chat through with her a list of what cleaner could do. Ive also found a hot meals service- wondering if she could avail of that as a 1 or 2x weekly "treat". She might regard it as too much of an extravagance, but she does enjoy her food so may be worth a try if they are reliable

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread