How to manage when you live away

[Mabelshouse]

My parents are in their 80s. I love 150 mls away. I have no siblings. No other close relatives near them. Just really worried how they will cope as they age further. My Dad is in poor health, I can’t just pop round.

what do others do in this situation?

I've been wondering this too - except I live 3000 miles away. Following with interest in case someone has good ideas.

Mum was 190 miles from me, 300 from my sister. Eventually she sold up and moved to be near me. Before that it was all about preemptive measures - falls alarm, getting to grips with her finances, making sure poa was sorted, having details of her gp etc. and regular visits.

It was worrying.

I live 3 1/2 hours flight away. I got a call tonight saying that DM had gone to hospital as she had dropped shears on her foot and was bleeding profusely. I’ve had confirmation that she went in an ambulance, and is waiting to be seen. She’s now turned her phone off and I have no idea what’s happening. No close family. She has a brother in Devon and another relative in Cornwall but hasn’t seen either for years.

370 miles for me. We put up a ring camera to check who came in and out, booked carers to visit three times a day and set up a pendant for her to call for help if she fell.
Regular phone calls, great care agency who kept me informed
Also had a Komp which is for elderly people to receive video calls with no buttons to press.
This all got us by for another few years until she went in to a home.

10k miles for me. Mum's in hospital with sudden heart problem, I'm about to have surgery myself and to top it off my passport has expired

Yes I guess technology really helps. I plan to spend annual leave with them as much as possible. At the moment they have each other. I think when One goes (hopefully not for a while) I might suggest the other moves to be near us. I doubt either will want to though. It’s so tricky.

The things that require physical presence (shopping, cleaning, help with washing) can be outsourced. A big need is for help setting things up and talking through decisions, and this can be done at a distance. Sort out Power of Attorney, for Health and Welfare , but particularly for Finance, as soon as possble. This will allow you, if you wish, to pay for taxis, sort out the internet contract, etc, without dipping into your own money.

If they own their own home then join local Facebook groups and Nextdoor to connect with services like plumbers, gardener et . Also helps to know what is happening in the area and also, I find, a source of conversation!
If they don’t already access care then check out some agencies just so you know if and when you need them. Check if the council do meals on wheels or if there is a private company who would do so. Register with their GP as a carer. Check if there are any dial-a-ride type services in case they need them.
I would absolute agree with @MereDintofPandiculation there is a lot that can be done at a distance. If they are computer literate that will help. My dad was merrily ordering ready meals on his deathbed. My mum can’t cope at all with any tech and I have tried many times in many ways to assist. If your parents don’t use the internet, maybe see if they take to it now?
other research you could do now - how to get a blue badge, how to apply for attendance allowance, whether there are any groups locally they may want to, how to access council funded home modifications eg hand rail.
i am a definite fan of advanced preparation but remember to also
live in the moment.

Thanks all.

and thanks Lorzest…I worry so much about the future. I really must live more in the moment. Good advice.

My DH has stage 4 cancer. It’s brought it home to me that there is no point in ruining today because of what may or may not happen tomorrow

I feel your pain - my mum is 88 and increasingly frail with some signs of cognitive decline. I am an only child, all of her friends and family are dead and/or as old and frail as she is. I live 500 miles and a flight away - she refuses all help. She broke her hip Oct 2020 and had some help at home after that, but gradually she has sent everyone away. I visit once a month - which is hard given that I have two kids (one with SN) a busy job, and my partner doesn't drive. I dread to think what I'm going to find every time I go. She refused point blank to sign power of attorney for me, and has gone out of her way to make things difficult even when she was on the ball and able to discuss these things. Our relationship hasn't alway been easy (I am gay and she was absolutely vile to me about it - so much so that I gave her an ultimatum about 20 years ago - stop this or you will never see me again. I know full well that if I had had a sibling who was straight etc she would have cut me off). I rely on neighbours a bit and have at least managed to install a key safe so I can call the police if she doesn't come to the phone. Wouldn't use a mobile when she was able to learn and now it's too late. It's a nightmare and a constant source of anxiety - I find it very hard to enjoy my life tbh.

Rhetorician and Mere Dinto….both of your situations are so tough.

Carers, or 'companions' visiting every day or once a week. Social services, GP, community nurse, memory clinic. Fall alarm which they won't wear. One of those amazon drop in things. Accepting they will go their own way and you aren't responsible - and you can't fix everything.

@cocktailclub do you mind if I ask for a basic idea of how much the 3 times a day carer visits cost ?

@juniperjewel my parent pays £32 an hour . Had two hours a week in place under a year. Started at £27, then £29, now £32. It’s double for bank holidays. No slots Under one hour - which is ok with us.

It was in the region of £55 I recall. The local social services booked it for us and invoiced us so we got their block booking rate and also as we were so far away that meant the care manager monitored calls. This was for three hours.