Power of attorney

[SummersBreeze]

I think my mom mught have the onset of dementia. It's early days for me yet. I have a ist of observations. She been taking items of my clothing including my bras and knickers even though we are different sizes. I am a plus size and I have a size 18 to 20 knickers and a band size of 40. My mom would be a size 14 and yet she has my underwear in her laundry.

I have a list of other observations too.

I want to talk to my mother about power of attorney stuff. Just to have it in place in case we need it going forward.

I also fear having this chat with her because she gets very angry easily. Her anger is explosive and not very appropriate to the situation. Complete over reactions.

She's going to a soli regularly for a divorce but she's not able to fully grasp his legal letters any more. She's not able to grasp the finer details in his letters. There's no comprehension for the finer details.

Would the possibility of a dementia have progressed too much to even go down the road of power of attorney. I suspect if I talk about POA, she won't want to talk about it.

If she is deemed as not having capacity then she won’t be able to make you POA but there is a decent amount of leeway before someone is deemed as not having capacity.

Capacity is the capacity to make a specific decision on a specific day - she might not be able to manage the finer details of the divorce, but she might be able to understand the implications of POA.

We 'sold' POA to the PIL on the basis that we were doing them for each other and that they absolutely only kicked in if we were no longer able to make decisions ourselves ie "if you fell under a bus and were unconscious for a fortnight". Does she have anyone else who might talk to her about it?

My siblings are living abroad. They won't be able to help but they are so far away.

She has some siblings here at home in her home county?

Should I start talking to them about the suspicions I have with my mother and see if they can help with talking about Power of attorney stuff?

Mom produced a letter from her solicitor to me this morning and all it was L, was an opportunity for my mother to shout and rant at me and about the whole world. She claimed her solicitor isn't even on her side and he cares more about her ex husband than he does about her. This isn't true. I read the letter and her solicitor was advising her on the best course of action to take right now and he suggested putting in an order to the court to allow her to live in the family home. He advised her of a possible outcome if she doesn't take action. My mother told her a complete different story from his letter. She's not able to get it.

If dementia is in play, avoid arguing and contradicting if you can.

I’d be trying still to get POA done but it’s hard to know how you can achieve. You have both a narrow window of opportunity and v complex set of circumstances.
If she won’t do it for you theN solicitor not an option either.
Does she have a friend or neighbour or member of her church who could help advocate on your behalf?
if not then try for nextleast worst option -internet banking or being named on her account . Not the same but you can pay her bills if it all goes down hill.
Pick your moment.
Her dementia might be less apparent after she’s been in your company for an hour or so… she may be better in morning etc

…. Assuming it is dementia that is… psychosis is also a possibility

If you manage to persuade her now to agree to it you can probably get it done. We sold it to my mum as a way of we can look after you if anything happens but if you don’t have one then your wishes can’t be accommodated because official people may make decisions and they don’t know you personally.

I'm really sorry for the position you and your mum are in, dementia is awful and divorce is stressful enough without this added to the mix.

I'm pretty sure sure your mum will have some awareness of her memory loss and silly mistakes and coupled with the potential changes ahead from the divorce she must be very fearful and this is probably causing some of her lashing out.
First step is to email your mum GP Practice and raise your concerns, ask if they have noticed anything and possibly invite your mum in for a checkup and assessment. They won't disclose anything to you at this point unless you have a letter of authority from your mum to share information with you but this is the first step in taking care of her.
An assessment needs to done to determine if she does have early onset dementia and the early stages are when they can be quite confrontational about the thought of dementia itself unfortunately.
Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare and the Financial are invaluable for the future as without these in place it makes things harder than they need to be. If your mum has lost capacity then you will need to apply for Deputyship, again for both areas, Health and Finances but first and foremost have a chat with her GP about your concerns.

Read up and learn about dementia and the different types as this will be very helpful for you and the people around your mum