Elderly father is a full time job I’m fed up!

[HelloIloveyoutoo]

In his 90’s and far from feeling delighted that he’s reached this great age I’m feeling put upon and exhausted and frankly, cross.

All suggestions made over the years to move closer to family, grandchildren etc were turned down ‘didn’t like our area’ ‘won’t live in a bungalow’ (perish the thought!) so has ended up in a large unmanageable house a long drive away with massive garden that has now become a millstone. He has wasted massive sums of money on antiques and vanity projects and basically stuff that depreciates. I have siblings who help but the majority falls on me. I work full time and it's starting to affect my health and my relationship with my partner, who is very patient but father's behaviour would try the patience of a saint!

Now we have the situation where he has a full time live in private carer which he’s paying close to £1000 for. A recent fall has meant surgery (cancelled his private medical insurance last year to our dismay) a stay in hospital during which we had multiple calls complaining and asking us to get him out. Unable to go home as cannot weight bear now had to arrange care home at £1300 per week (as well as the live in carer who we can’t just get rid of) along with bills, house maintenance etc. My family struggle financially so to see all his wastefulness and money flowing out for his care is galling. He won’t downsize just wants to get a lifetime mortgage and use the money from the house to fund his carer and his lifestyle. Won't even think about selling antiques because they give him joy.

Of course he’s always ‘terribly grateful’ but we are getting calls moaning about the care home and the staff because he’s used to a 'different class' of person. Calls at 6am as he can’t find his buzzer and is cold or thirsty….’food is inedible’ but we’ve seen it and it is fantastic! Room is ‘tiny’ (about the size of my living room) and on and on.

Siblings are supportive but how do people cope, I’m dealing with his finances, carer, care home, house projects, paperwork, future care via social services (is any available?) and I just feel that I really resent him now. I dread every negative moaning call. Is it possible for a person to outlive their life and how much longer can this go on for? Sorry this is a bit of a rant but has anyone experienced similar? I want to remember him with love and affection not exasperation. Am I a horrible, horrible person?

You are neither horrible, nor unreasonable. In terms of calls at 6am, I'd unplug the home phone and put your mobile on 'Do not Disturb' from 11pm-7am (or whatever times you deem ring-fenced for sleeping). He's somewhere safe, where he's getting three meals a day and tbh, if he was my dad, I'd have a firm few words with him along the lines of 'Dad, this has to stop. You can't be calling me at 6am. Ring your call bell for the staff if you're hungry/thirsty/whatever. And please stop complaining about everything little thing. I can't do anything about them from X miles away and your constant demands are really wearing me down'. I would also talk to the care home and make sure that he knows how to summon help from the night duty staff if he needs it, so he doesn't keep contacting you.

As for the other stuff, why are you doing everything? Your siblings should be doing their share.

Your not a horrible person. I couldnt do it that’s for sure, I would have put him in a nice care home years ago and let the money pay for that rather than receive an inheritance.

You are not a horrible person this all sounds very draining and exhausting day in day out . Is he able to understand and take notice if you are firm with him ? What's the point in all that money being spent for you to be getting calls and demands at all hours !

Why are you still paying the career if there is no-one there for them to care for?

Are you expecting him to remain in the care home permanently?

He is expecting too much support from you, the care home will have full time staff for that. On the money side, however, it is his to do with as he wishes.

You are definitely not a horrible person! My DF died last year: he went into hospital, and before he deteriorated rapidly, he was ringing me at 5:20 in the morning, complaining that he couldn't get hold of DM … If I didn't get onto her straightaway and get her to ring him, he'd be ringing me again half an hour later. He was telling us to come and get him – even though he couldn't walk - saying he wanted to come home and for us to look after him. He would ask for things to be brought to him, but expected me to do it immediately. He would ring me saying, 'where are you? I need my things!' Even though, because my mum doesn't drive, I was having to go from my house to their house and then to the hospital – all in a bit of a triangle shape. All this with two children of my own, one of whom has severe needs. Fortunately my only sibling, who lives about four hours drive away, managed to get time off work to come and stay with mum. Her support was invaluable to me.I guess I don't really have any advice, I just wanted you to know that I know what you're going through and I completely understand how you feel and where you're coming from

Up to him to spend his money how he likes. He doesn't have to run anything past you. It's perfectly reasonable for him to want to stay in his own home as long as possible, and it seems he's happy to pay for his own care.

There should not be a big ongoing burden to you of dealing with his finances. I have one elderly parent in a self funded care home, and one elderly parent receiving care services at home, and I don't really recognise the burden you describe. Yes, there were some one off forms to complete (by my parents) that I assisted with, and a couple of DDs to help them set up, but that's really all. Given how much they've done for me over the years, I really don't begrudge them the help in their old age. I'm a bit confused as to what exactly falls to you, and what exactly you're finding such a burden?

Now he is in the care home, you know he is safe and being looked after. So switch off your phone overnight, and only answer his calls at a time that is convenient to you if you don't want to talk to him. And actually, even if he goes home, the same applies, since he has a live-in carer.

Ultimately though, he's an old man dealing with ill health and a massive amount of upheaval. He probably just wants to talk to you for reassurance.

Not sure why the carer is still kept. What do they do now?

Can the house be rented out ?(antiques stored in one locked room)

I'm presuming that he intends to return to his home once he's recovered from surgery and is weight bearing again. And even if that is unlikely to happen, if he wants to spend his money keeping that option open to him, then why shouldn't he?

He may not wish to rent out his house, and since he is able to pay for care, he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. In order to rent out his house he would presumably have to remove (and probably get rid of) all of his possessions. I guess he doesn't want to do that, which is perfectly reasonable.

It doesn't sound as though OPs DF is lacking capacity around making decisions regarding his home and his care. He is just prioritising spending his money on what he wants and needs now over preserving OP's inheritance cash in the bank for the longer term.

Just leave him to it. Unplug the phone in the early hours. put your mobile on flight mode. inform the care agency that you're no longer the person to call in an emergency. ring him once a week when it suits you.

Yep you leave him to it and learn the word "no" he has a full time career - they can deal with this stuff that is literally what they are being paid for!

Your life is worth as much as his. So is your partner’s life. You have stepped up to the plate, and in spite of what some other people have said, I”ve been in your shoes and I know just how much work there seems to be.

So, as other people have said, don’t take calls which wake you up at unsocial hours. You have to work, your Dad can have a nap any time. Set aside the amount of time you feel you can give to him, and stick to it. If you are self funding, the care home manager should be able to advise you about social care services. Put the home projects, whatever they may be, on ice.

After the first flurry, the admin does get less, you get the regular stuff sorted and that’s done. You/ he are paying the care home to look after him : let them. And put the Carter to working he’s still being paid, he should be dealing with early morning calls, not you.

I wish you well.

all his wastefulness and money flowing out for his care is galling

paying for his own care isn’t a waste of money though. It’s his money and he is using it to pay for being looked after, the alternative would be for one of you to move in and look after him but that doesn’t sound possible.

DM, who has been poverty stricken for the longest time, didn’t get her much needed inheritance but it was DGM choice to sit on the money instead of sharing things out and helping whilst alive. I don’t think she realised in the last 4 years he was in the nursing home that her bank account was emptied and her house & antiques were sold. We still don’t begrudge paying for her care though, we were just glad she was well looked after and cared for when we couldn’t have managed it due to the dementia & mobility issues.

turn your ringer off, tell him you are going away and won’t be contactable for a couple of weeks so you get a break and tell your siblings to step up. So often the bulk of the care falls to one person.

@HelpIneedsomebodywontyouplease i don’t think it was the care costs she found galling but more antiques and vanity projects whatever they are. No idea why how this man spends his money is her concern.

I agree let phone calls go to voice mail & listen once a day

His money is paying for his care

You are not a horrible person. It's a dreadful situation to be in.

Agree that you must set the phone to Do not Disturb barring your own emergency contacts. He is in a home. They will deal with issues.

I also have to do mum's admin and finance, but you mention house projects. Is that stuff he wants done or general maintenance?

It's up to him how he runs his money and his antiques but if you are too stressed by the house and finance, he might need to pay someone else to do it.

My dad died after a long - well it felt long to all of us - illness and always apologised for being a burden. I can't tell you how much I appreciated him saying that. I look back now and wish I had done less. He was a great bloke but the misery of that period took a lot out of me and many days, I'm not sure he knew I was there.

Step back. You might well be relieved when he goes and that's fair enough.

Your siblings should be doing their share. It would be nice if they were, but just as a parent can’t demand that their child works yo support their lifestyle, neither can one sibling demand that another sibling should do things they’re not willing to do

If you were a bit less available he would phone your siblings or manage without so many calls.
Is the care home temporary?

No real advice, I’m afraid.

However, Mil kept her father going for years. He refused to move to her, she was away from home for months, etc, etc. But I am minded of my dh saying once “if my dad were still alive, things would be different “. So, how would you go if one day, your own H answered the phone and told your df to manage his current issue and it would be sorted soon and later had a strong man to man chat saying “My Wife will be doing this …”.

Yes, it’s sexist but it’s not the message that’s important here but the result. And a bloke will often treat their daughter very differently from a man they aren’t actually related to.

Mind yourself too op. Put your phone away at night. I found the more we did the more the demands. She 80 now. I do not do huge amounts now as she had me run ragged..... and negative negative

Do you feel your father still has mental capacity? If you have doubts, you can request a Mental Capacity Assessment via Social Services. You say he is making increasingly poor decisions, so if he was deemed not to have capacity you could take over his affairs fully, this would certainly scupper his idea of taking out a lifetime mortgage on the house. You can look up the Mental Capacity Act on the NHS website. The other alternative is trying to persuade him to give you a Power of Attorney over his affairs.

I sympathise, I have been in your situation with my 90 year old father before he died and he was extremely difficult. My mental and physical load was huge, and that was with having a Power of Attorney. But organising day to day care, gardeners for the garden, his financial affairs etc. etc. took it's toll on me. My two brothers were happy to interfere on financial matters but were no practical help whatsoever. My brother was absolutely shocked when after the funeral I told him I was relieved my father had died, as I was beginning to hate him. However I can tell you that feeling goes after a while, I feel I did the best I could for him, being only human myself, and have many happy memories of the time when he was an engaging, loving father. Very hard for you, you have my utmost sympathy.

I've had various ups and downs with my DM and care providers over the years.
It's always been very helpful when my DH has said " you can make sure she is safe and properly looked after. But you can't make her happy ". Even if you responded to your DFs calls 24/7, he still wouldn't be happy, so you are wasting your energy. Be very firm about switching your phone off when needed, and keep reminding him that you are at work. The carers are being paid for their work, he needs to get used to turning to them rather than you. It's easier said than done, though.

No advice but you're not awful for feeling the way you do. Please listen to others about the live in carer taking these calls - but another thought - is it a man? If so would it be out of the question for him to do some stuff in the house? As far as the money goes, I was in a similar situation, it may be his, but when you're struggling to pay your bills it literally hurts. It made me feel very unloved. Good luck.