Feel like my whole life is now just about caring/worrying about my parents

[RedorangeyellowBLACK]

I don’t really know why I am writing this but I am just feeling so overwhelmed.
I am 49, married with a 14 and 16 year old.
5 years ago my lovely mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
My 80 year old dad (who is in good health) doesn’t handle looking after my mum that well and so relies heavily on me and my sister to help with everything (he is lucky as we all live in the same village).
Although my sister has no dc she works full time (although is home at 4pm) and as I work part time, the lions share of the work has fallen on me.
Over the last few years I have inadvertently ended up taking on more and more tasks and responsibilities.
There is always so much to remember (obviously the list will grow the as the disease progresses):-
GP or hospital appointments (mum also has a heart problem, osteoporosis and glaucoma)
Keeping a track on all the paper work and appointments
Washing and drying mums hair a few times a week
Keeping her nails trimmed
Doing their laundry and managing sure that doesn’t build up as dad ‘forgets’ to do it and mum thinks she does it and we end up with a huge pile if I don’t check every few days as mum just chucks everything in.
Changing their bed sheets
Taking and collecting mum to her day centre
Checking on them regularly and if I go a day without contact dad is FaceTiming or telephoning me.
Housework

At the moment mum is able to wash and dress herself but this will change over time.

I do all these things for my mum as she was a great mum and I hate to see her suffering but my dad says he struggles but he really doesn’t help her much, argues a lot with her about things she has forgotten and doesn’t help her with the things she really needs help with (ie the hair washing, let’s her wear as mush mash of unsuitable cloths or sometimes I find her with no trousers on etc). He would rather leave these tasks to me and potter in the garden or wash the car.

But I have my own health issues atm (Perimenopause, severe anxiety and depression and awful, daily IBS which is probably all made worse by the stress of watching my mum decline).

But mum is actually easy to deal with atm and I get on fine with her, if she forgets things my dad gets angry and will constantly remind her she has forgotten (ie will tell her she most certainly DID watch the tv show yesterday that we are talking about where’s I will tell her she nodded off when it was on). Things like that make life easier but my dad is angry at the dementia and takes it out on mum.

It was getting all to much for me so I arranged for a carer to start a month ago, just an hour to start (they draw and chat with her) as I thought that it’s a foot in the door for when she will need further help but dad wants me to cancel it as he sees it as waste of time.

He knows I don’t feel well yet over looks that, never discusses it even though I tell him I feel crap. Regardless of this he is always asking me to do stuff.
He has called today and asked that I go over this afternoon to take mum out so he can go to a neighbours house and change her taps (he used to be a plumber). I am pissed off as this isn’t essential, he’s retired.

He doesn’t do a lot to help mum really, they have a huge amount of money in the bank (which was my mum’s inheritance, so really is her money not dads). But the money sits there building up and he won’t touch it. I even got mum Attendance Allowance so she could be treated to things which will help her but again, the money just sits there. Mum could do with a new mattress but he says hers is ok yet selfishly he treated himself to a new one earlier this year ffs!

Sorry, that’s a huge rant but I am feeling angry and crappy. It feels that just as I am hitting an age where my dc are independent there I am back to a caring role. I have a part time job as a PA for a disabled lady and am caring for my parents too. I feel this is my role in life forever.

I don’t and never will resent helping my dear mum but I can not help but resent my dad for relying very heavily on his children when he has a huge amount of money sitting there and could spend that on extra help to help us all.
I want to help but also want the time I have left with mum to be for nice daughter/mum stuff like taking her out and enjoying her company.
But my dad doesn’t see that, he really is hard work as he says no to any suggestion myself or my sister make.
Has anyone else experienced this struggle?

You've got a long list of jobs identified there already, while you are doing this add the rest (I'm thinking shopping, organising medication and cooking as a start) If your mum can't do them she gets a pass.

Decide what you can/will do, you might enjoy doing your mum's hair but not the laundry. You might like taking her to her day centre but she could have a taxi or community transport for that. Your dad has a choice between doing the remaining jobs himself or paying someone else to do them. It's his choice but he doesn't get to choose that you do them. He is not the boss of your life. I suspect that he'll not see someone coming in as a waste of time when the alternative is him doing it. Wouldn't we all rather be pottering about rather than doing chores?

I suspect "a waste of money" is the issue rather than "a waste of time", you don't end up with lots in the bank by spending it willy nilly. Why should he spend it on a housekeeper/carer/transport when RedOrange will run herself into the ground doing it all for free? If it's your mum's money but she's not capable of making spending decisions does someone have power of attorney?

He's not going to like this but you are going to make yourself ill taking on more and more. Better to sort this out before you crumble, introducing the carer at an early stage was a great idea but it sounds like they might need a cleaner too.

Mum would not spend a penny on anything to make her life easier because she didn't see that there was an issue. The issue is that I was holding up her world and it brought me to my knees. I wish I'd managed to sell her on a gardener/cleaner/carer earlier so I could have pottered around doing daughter stuff.

Thanks knotaknitter, I forgot to add that I am in charge of her meds too!
I will write the list down to see what myself and dsis actually do all in all (dsis has her own cleaning business, she does a large clean every week) and hopefully can hand over some of these to the carer (if dad will agree to pay!!).
I can definitely feel myself crumbling and it’s affecting my family life as I am a complete grouch these days, dad doesn’t see these things and thinks my teens cause my stress, he genuinely can’t not see it’s him and the situation with mum.
It is is a ‘waste of money’ attitude with dad, he even said that he thinks the £22 per hour for the carer to sit drawing with mum is a waste of £22 and would rather pay me to do it. But he wouldn’t pay me he would just expect me to do it.
Dsis and I do have all POA but I couldn’t take over the financial side of things, dad wouldn’t like that at all.
I will keep my heels dug in over the carer, now she is in place I really would like her here for any future help.
And I am sorry you ended up on your knees, dementia really is a wicked disease.

Sounds so awfully difficult. My father was an awkward, stubborn old bugger and I can’t imagine the unending grumbling from him if we were in your situation. Your father is treating your mother very poorly, like he’s pissed off that she broke before him. You might remind him of that occasionally, that if the roles were reversed, your lovely mum wouldn’t be treating him so badly.
in your shoes, I would be very firm with your father, tell him what changes need to happen, and use your mum’s money to make it happen.
I am so sorry you are not getting any kind of break , but you need to decide for yourself what you need to happen, and then keep repeating it. Stick to your guns, because as you said, it’s not going to get any easier.

If your mum needs a new mattress then please use her money to buy her a new mattress. There' may be a balancing act between your dad's wishes and your mum's needs but your mother's needs should be met whether dad likes it or not. The money for the carer is coming out of the attendance allowance which is hers and nothing at all to do with him.

It's a difficult time for him, for everyone but that doesn't mean that his wishes trump everyone elses.

I can truly sympathise as our DFIL was very similar when DMIL was at home with Vascular Dementia. He'd never listen to anyone who gave him any advice, wouldn't seek help or pay for anything and even now seems unable to accept the diagnosis although she's been in a care home for 2 years. I think he's resentful too. She did literally everything for him and he seems resentful that he had to do things for himself now.

Just wondering if you could sell the £22 cater thing to him a bit more though. Point out that it's coming out of her Attendance Allowance and say you know how hard it must be for him and it's an hour for him when he gets to do what he likes.

Could you get some other things in place to help you too?

If the Pharmacy don't already do it, they can deliver her medication in boxes to make it much easier.

Does the daycare have transport?

Could you get a mobile hairdresser to do her hair for her once a week?

It might be worth talking to your local Carer's Hub as well and seeing if your DF is willing to make contact with them.

And head on over to the Elderly Parents section too @RedorangeyellowBLACK, it's a bit busier than here

look at local dementia charities or contact Age Uk as they might be able to point you in the direction of befriending services which would support your mum with drawing or a chat. There are often lots of things like dementia cafes etc that she might like and get her out of the house.

Thank you all, it’s all so hard as he is so stubborn and wants to believe he is control and any suggestions I make is greeted with an eye roll and he then tells me sister that I keep coming up with these mad-capped ideas!
PritiPatelsMaker dad definitely does resent mum for her diagnosis, he regularly says his life is over. I’ve tried to get him to go to the GP and try some antidepressants but he won’t hear of it.
The maddening is that he pays for everything with his money then moans. I tell him time and time again that is what the AA is for but it just sits there building up in mums account, I am constantly banging my head against the wall, what ever I say all falls on deaf ears with him. He wouldn’t want me to take over the AA as he already thinks we are after their money, he says that regularly which really bloody stings, I have never asked for a penny of their money even though I struggle myself.
Sadly, transport doesn’t come out to us. We are quite rural and the day centre is several miles away.
Thanks for the tip regarding the Elderly Parents section, I will try to get this moved over.
mumonthehill We had been in contact with a few local dementia groups but they all closed over Covid and only a few cafes have reopened. I got mum and dad to one but dad said it was too cliquey ffs!

my family so similar, but the lions share is being done by my sister who is more flexible. She does mornings, I do afternoons. Dad won’t pay for a companion as he sees it a waste as mum is often sleeping. Doesn’t ever think his daughters might need a break from cooking and cleaning. Also trying to come up with conversation!
don’t know what the answer is, only we love our mum and want to look back and know we did everything in our power to make her life a little happier.

We had similar with the Dementia Cafes. I think DFIL was embarrassed to been seen with her.

Re transport look at community transport options, cheaper and very supportive. Depends on where you live but often there are community car schemes that would take your mum.

Can you out source some of these tasks ?

Laundry
Mobile hair dresser
Taxis
Weekly cleaner

@RedorangeyellowBLACK he's a stubborn independent old man.
My grandad has lived with my grandma for over 70 years, she's recently died so it's a new life for him working without her. It's a tough change after your partner dies

After losing two members of my family this last year and similar talk about money etc, I say use your mums inheritance and buy that mattress and whatever else.

The first member of family passed away and then those caring for the second member of the family, refused to buy things to make life comfortable. Sadly passed away very shortly after the first.

All that money and nothing used to make life more comfortable towards the end. It's horrible seeing it.

If there's money in the bank, use it. Forget your dad being upset about this. This is about your mum. She deserves that respect and you are the only one who is able to speak up for her.

Life is short. Money comes and goes. When they pass away, what is left are the memories. Don't let any of them be horrible ones. It is so frustrating when others want to block the spending, making things comfortable but coming from someone who has seen all this play out very recently, live with no regrets and do what you need to for your mother.

I think you are going to have to get to get tough with your Dad and sister. Sit him down and point out how ill this is making you. That it can’t continue you. As you are doing the lions share of work then you are setting the ground rules. That him saying “oh it’s fine I’ll do it” will not work as he won’t.

a few things you need to get in place:

Assessment by social services (I imagine your dad doesn’t want this done as she will have to fund to begin with)

He either allows at least half of the money in the bank account and all her benefits to be used for her needs or you will apply to the Court of Protection to be appointed as her Deputy so you can do this.

Carers will becoming in at least twice a day for personal care to help you,

Housekeeper will be coming twice a week to do laundry and housework.

I have seen to many friends make themselves physically and mentally ill looking after elderly relatives. It is not selfish for you to protect yourself and set some boundaries.

Something has to break. You're going to have to get more assertive - being grouchy without actually changing anything is getting you nowhere.

Time and energy is money. Df is happy to spend your time and energy without counting the cost to your children and above all to you. You are going to have to dig your heels in.

Of course your mother needs a new mattress. I'd say also a mobile hairdresser at least once a week (could you try dry shampoo in between?) And a laundry service perhaps, and a cleaner, or at least paying your sister for the cleaning she does. What else? What does he say if you say 'right Mums mattress is only fit for the skip, i could order this one ot this one, which do you think and wheres Mum's debit card to pay for it?'

I agree with saying you will sort out the Court of Protection if he's not able to care for her to this level.

Thanks everyone,
DH, the kids and I have had a weekend away and tbh, it’s been bliss to step out of my life for a few days, I haven’t felt this relaxed in a long while.
I have made a long list of things I need to sort out. I will chat with dsis this week and start putting some plans in action.