How to help very elderly widowed Mum

[oldtimeswhatnext]

Looking for thoughts about how to help my 91 year old mum as my dad died recently.

I live 60 miles away and can visit by day after school run and return to pick up from school.

I have 2 DC who have ASD (1 late primary 1 secondary) and have been an unpaid carer (Carer's Allowance) for nearly a decade.

I start a new part time job soon. I have flexibility re hours and WFH etc which is good.

Mum is very good for her age but has fallen when out shopping and cannot walk far. She still goes to town as her house is opposite a bus stop and gets out at shops which is great for her mental health. She has fallen in town and ended up in A&E a few months ago.

Dad had carers but they are obviously no longer attending. Mum has a community alarm pendant in case she falls but no other support.

There are no family members in mum's city as all her siblings have died.

I would like my mum to live with us but our house needs substantial work as I've been unable to deal with the upkeep due to ASD DC. It's bad to the point I've been threatened with social services intervention (but of course not offered any help...). We need an upstairs bathroom installed and an extension either in loft or at the back and we've had an architect do drawings but I've been too overloaded to keep up. Our house could be really lovely but a combination of my poor housekeeping skills, a serious lack of storage, and years of being overwhelmed and seriously under supported have taken their toll.

My kids are lovely gentle people so they will not pose a problem.

Any thoughts?

Getting major home improvements done around work/kids/caring responsibilities is a big job even for organised people, and expensive. If you truthfully aren't up to it or won't get it done in time for your mum to benefit, better to get her a bit more paid support for practicalities and keep visiting her when you can even if not daily.

The expense is okay but the problem is me. I need to Kondo my house - I'm not a hoarder but we don't have adequate storage so it's just boxes of crap and the house is a series of floordrobes.

I am wiped out and traumatised due to lack of support and even very aggressive behaviour towards me from education and NHS in the past.

I am very capable but my inability to deal with untidiness has meant I cannot clean or keep the house decent. I am not particularly untidy for what it's worth - it's just that the systems I need are sorely lacking.

My plan is for new fitted wardrobes but first I need new flooring and painting and decorating etc...

Having said that going through my Dad's stuff has helped clarify that it is only "stuff".

I have limited ability to organise objects (great with online paperwork though) but I suppose I can seize the moment and just chuck stuff out.

Organising a limited amount of stuff is easy enough - in theory. I'm just suffering from long term chronic mental overload.

Could you pay a company to come and blitz it for you?

I've had a few people in but despite being very clear that I need help decluttering - and only decluttering - they just turn up and start hoovering around the mess. Which is zero use. I did have one who was great but she had an injury and retrained. It sounds simple - get someone in but I've also had people storm out as they didn't listen or understand why it was a mess. Very frustrating as well as humiliating.

So if money isn't a problem get paid help. Employ someone to tidy, organise and clean for you. Does your mum have home help? If not could it be arranged?
As far as your mum is concerned is it feasfor her to move near you? Could she move sooner rather than later and rent?
When my mum became frail a mobility scooter was a life saver, she could no longer drive or walk to bus stop but the scooter allowed her to go to the shop, church etc.
Is she church member? Because that could be a source of practical support for her.

Do you have siblings , and does your mum own her own home ?
If you are an only child and she does own , could she sell her house and either buy close to you , or if you are willing to take on the role of caring if her needs require it in the future, could some of the money be used in your house to modernise and make suitable for her needs also ?

If my mum moves it'll be in with us. It's just the house stuff. As discussed upthread it is virtually impossible to get effective decluttering people in and I am now phobic of asking due to threats I've had in the past. I'll make it full time job this week in between visits. Hopefully as clutter clears my mind will too.
People are very judgemental and from what I'm told I'm far from being the only person who struggles with getting someone in to do what I actually need, as opposed to what they want, without judgement and extra stress.

I wonder if you'd actually do better to get a physically strong pair of hands in to carry stuff about and do runs to the charity shops and the tip, who has zero interest in home decor or Kondo. It sounds like that's what you're missing. Essentially I'm thinking of a teenage boy My son and his friends have just finished A-levels and it might be that if you ask around you might find one who would help you. Because it sounds like you can make your own decisions, but until the stuff leaves the house, you haven't actually achieved what you need.

I would love to help you but no doubt I'm miles away - Oxfordshire.

Perhaps break down the jobs, dealing with clothes one week, books and papers the next, and o on, would help?

I would love to help you but no doubt I'm miles away
Same here! I love sorting and decluttering!
@PermanentTemporary 's idea is a good one. It's unskilled labour you need, you just give orders and supervise. Are your DC old enough to help?

DC are not untidy but I have been unable to teach them to tidy their rooms as I just don't have the ability to do it myself. Sadly I've led by example. Which isn't all bad as they're lovely sweet natured little people 😍