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Elderly parents
Original poster

Should I speak to neighbours daughter?

22 replies

DressingPafe · 18/06/2022 07:34

I’ve lived next door to an elderly couple for 17 years. They must have been late 60’s/early 70’s when I moved in so would be in their 80’s now. The wife was the sweetest person you could ever meet. The husband was also nice, had some health issues so the wife was his carer.

For the past 3 months or so I’ve heard the wife literally screaming at her husband almost daily. They’re originally from another country so she yells in that language so not sure what she’s saying. I wondered if maybe she is developing dementia as it’s so out of character for her.

Anyway, yesterday it escalated. I was sitting in the garden (with my adult DD) and could hear more clearly and she was ranting at her husband, screaming and shouting, but there were also several loud slaps. Both DD and I said it sounded like she was hitting him. He is very frail now too.

Her daughter lives in the same street as us but much further down the road. I know her to say hello to, but that’s it. The daughter and her husband were round at the neighbours yesterday evening and the elderly lady sounded fine then, just her normal self. So I don’t really know what’s going on. So my question is, should I tell the daughter what I’ve been hearing or will it be seen as me overstepping/interfering? If her mum does have dementia then she must already know, but does she know how bad things are? I don’t know.

OP posts:
Basilbrushgotfat · 18/06/2022 07:36

Yes I think you should but you'll need ro word it carefully so that you can be clear on your concerns and what you think you heard without causing offence.

Hairyfairy01 · 18/06/2022 07:37

Can you not speak to the elderly gentleman?

Original poster
DressingPafe · 18/06/2022 07:49

The husband never leaves the house now so I wouldn’t be able to get to speak to him alone. Yes, I really don’t want to cause offence. That’s my concern.

OP posts:
Chouah · 18/06/2022 07:53

Yes, please do speak to the daughter. You're doing it out of real concern, I'm sure she'll appreciate that even if it's a shock.

Mammyloveswine · 18/06/2022 08:21

I would've called the police when I heard the incident...explain your concerns to them. Or maybe social services?

That poor man!

HappyPumpkin81 · 18/06/2022 08:23

My sister had a similar situation with her elderly neighbours and reported it to social services. It was taken very seriously and additional support was put in place for the couple involved.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 18/06/2022 08:24

I would have called for help when I heard the screaming, shouting and hitting. I don't think I would have sadt there wondering, especially when you know where their daughter lives.

treesandweeds · 18/06/2022 08:34

If you know where she lives why didn't you/dont you go and know on her door when it's happening and say they need some help, you've heard something concerning and tell her what youve heard

Original poster
DressingPafe · 18/06/2022 08:52

I’m not great at acting fast in these types of situations, I tend to somewhat freeze. Plus I couldn’t quite believe it, couldn’t be sure etc. I’ll go and see the daughter today and just relay to her what I’ve been hearing.

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 18/06/2022 08:53

Yes I would speak to the daughter. Asap.

DogsAndGin · 18/06/2022 08:57

Call the police

Howshouldibehave · 18/06/2022 08:59

Was it definitely them?

I would absolutely go and see the daughter now.

PritiPatelsMaker · 18/06/2022 10:02

I also would have simply called the Police. It's not too late now, you can still report it.

I'd also call Adult Safeguarding at the local Social Services. There's some information here on what to do if you're concerned about an elderly person.

I don't think I would speak to the Daughter about it though, unless you're on really good terms.

Original poster
DressingPafe · 18/06/2022 10:20

I’m definitely not reporting it to the police. I’ve worked in the CJS and I know that it’s possible they would charge the lady even if she has dementia. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve lived here long enough to know that if she has done something wrong she wasn’t in her right mind. I’m not putting her through potentially being arrested etc.

Contacting Adult safeguarding is good advice and they are the best people to find out exactly what the situation is and act accordingly.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 18/06/2022 10:22

Contacting Adult safeguarding is good advice and they are the best people to find out exactly what the situation is and act accordingly

Okay. So do that then Smile

ImJustMum · 18/06/2022 10:24

Sorry but i can most definitely confirm NO custody Sgt would accept an elderly lady with dementia into custody. Theyd speak with the daughter, possibly ask one to go to daughters for a few hours to cool down and make referrals to SS.

Original poster
DressingPafe · 18/06/2022 10:29

I dealt with a case of an elderly lady with dementia in a care home who had hit one of the carers. She was charged and convicted. And it wasn’t that long ago either. Maybe it was taken more seriously as it was a member of staff who was hit, but I’m not taking that risk.

If the police would refer to SS anyway, then I can just do that myself and I will.

OP posts:
TooMuchToblerone · 18/06/2022 10:31

If she is hurting a vulnerable and dependent person then you should call the police. Whatever the reason behind it the husband needs protecting more than she does. He is being abused in his own home and likely regularly physically abused from what you've heard. He's a victim and probably terrified daily of how he might upset her next. It may be that he needs to be moved but at least he'll be safe.
Anything else is likely to cause a significant delay in establishing whether something really unpleasant is happening here, which it sounds like it.
I struggle with why you didn't do something at the time tbh. If you knew a child or woman was being hit, would you prioritise the perpetrator?

Original poster
DressingPafe · 18/06/2022 10:43

The “perpetrator” is a woman of nearly 90 who possibly has dementia! It’s really not the same scenario.

Anyway, I know what I’m going to do now and I don’t have any need to discuss it further. I came here for advice and I just have people jumping down my throat for not calling the police at the time. Sorry but sometimes people do freeze and don’t know what to do. At least I am trying to do something now. Plus, as I said, the daughter and her husband were there for the evening so it’s not like the couple were alone in that time.

I could have just ignored it all and carried on with my life. But it has been preying on my mind and I felt I needed to do something. I don’t need to be made to feel like shit because of it.

OP posts:
HazelEyedHeather · 18/06/2022 10:43

If I heard daily screaming for 3 months, I'd already have contacted social services or the daughter.

An escalation of violence though, it doesn't matter if there is dementia or not, is an emergency and really needs addressed now. It's not your role to try to guess what might be the repercussions. Someone sounds like the need protecting, we don't know who's been hit or if there are injuries.

I'd call the police.

TooMuchToblerone · 18/06/2022 10:50

Just seen that it's been going on 3 months. That poor man. Sometimes it's only a neighbour who suspects what's going on. He must be living in misery and terror. I agree this is an emergency.

JimmyMcNultyIsMine · 18/06/2022 11:30

Just to say - do you know it was the woman hitting the man or the other way round?

Yes you could hear her shouting. She shouldn't.
Then you heard slapping sounds. But unless you saw it you cannot categorically say she hit him.

Whatever the scenario - the couple need help.

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