Elderly parents - how much do you do?

[ItWillBeOkHonestly]

I'm quite new to being responsible for another person's care and I've discovered it comes with a lot of guilt. Am I doing enough? Is there more I could be doing etc?

For context, my mum was my dad's carer and she died very suddenly last year. Apart from the obvious grief and sadness, we were just so shocked as mum was 'the healthy one'. But that's life, I guess!
Anyway, overnight I effectively became responsible for my dad's care. I live 50 miles away from him and have a busy career/vocation (which I love!) and moving closer isn't really an option. Dad doesn't want to move either as he's got his home adapted and just the way he likes it. So, he had a SS assessment and now has carers twice a day. On top of that, a lovely local friend pops in every morning (sometimes evening too) to do his dishes/put laundry in. Dad pays for a cleaner and someone to do the ironing. He has good friends who pop in throughout the week and he goes out on Wednesday nights to a club. He gets a bit lonely sometimes but overall, there's lots of people coming and going. He and mum were always very sociable so he has a good set of friends locally.

I spend 2 nights a week at his house (I'm able to WFH 2 days a week) and while there I batch cook his meals, sort out meds, do various bits of admin, do extra food shopping etc. Friends take dad to GP appointments but if it's a hospital/consultant appointment, I take the time off work to take him (also so that I can hear what they have to say). It can be pretty tiring (esp with additional travel) but I feel like we've now got a reasonable system in place. However, I still often feel guilty!

Some of my other friends live nearby to elderly parents or pop in every day or they invite them to move in with them. For the record, dad wouldn't want that as he wouldn't want to leave his area. If I moved closer, I'd need to sell up and I'd be giving myself a pretty substantial commute on the office days (not to mention fuel costs). Also, when dad is no longer there, there's not really anything for me in his town, whereas I've got a good life here. So I do as much as I can and also, dad and I speak on the phone every day when I'm not there. I have a sibling but he lives abroad. He rings once a week but is not otherwise involved in dad's card.

But yeah, I have guilt and I don't know why. I'm trying to juggle my own needs with my dad's but it always feels like I could be doing more?

I'm just wondering how much others do? Do you struggle with guilt feelings at all?

Your dad is getting used to carers which is a good foundation for when he may need more care. Popping in every day isn’t sustainable in the long term. It makes no allowance for holidays or illness. If he ever needs that, then he needs a different care solution. Hairbrush hopefully will be along to tell you about the parent living with you experience. Two days a weeks is plenty! I used to visit every three days for about 3 hours and was thinking about having to up it. It meant that for about 4 years all our holidays were places we could drive back from fairly easily.

you need to keep yourself well mentally and physically if you are to be of help to any else. And you need to nurture your own social support networks. So you need a narrative to assuage the guilt “I’m not in a position to move closer and Dad won’t move nearer to me “ will do as a start. Anyone who suggests you could be doing more doesn’t know what they’re talking about. No-one who has cared for a frail elderly person would expect any more of you.

You are doing enough already with 2 days a week

Can you reduce to visit every other week ?

What happens if you want a holiday for 1 or 2 weeks ?

Your DF is lucky to have family & friends who are helping

Bloody hell i think you should stop doing so much practical stuff! Outsource whatever you can. What about at least trying ready meals (eg Wiltshire farm foods), online shopping delivery? What do you do with the meds - could a pharmacist do a dossett box for him? A cleaner?

In answer to your question, I visit my mum once a week in her nursing home and run her affairs (very simple now her house has been sold but very hard work during the sale). Prioritise being a daughter and setting up systems for the practical stuff that can operate without you.

I too think you're doing too much. If your DF has capacity it's his choice not to move closer to you.

I'd get the Chemist to sort his meds, they should deliver 4 weeks work in trays.

Stop batch coking and order in frozen meals.

Make sure he's getting any benefits he needs like Attendance Allowance, Pension Credit, Warm Home Allowance to pay fir things like the meals.

And then start stepping back. Initially do the stay over every other week and then whittle it down to once a month.

I’m similar. We had carers for an hour a day, but I’ve just knocked off the weekend ones to try to save a bit of money. I do all mum’s shopping, batch cookies meals, organise and take her to appointments. Giving her weekly showers. Now I’m doing weekend evening meals for her. Im nearby, but finding it hard.

Have you talked to him about sheltered housing?

@Honeyroar is your DM getting everything that she's entitled to?

Sorry for the slow reply - I’ve been at work, then at mum’s. No I’ve not looked into what I could claim for her, I really need to. Where would be a good place to find out?

I'd start with applying for Attendance Allowance. If you phone your get the forms, if she's successful with the application, they'll back date it to the day you called.

There is some information on Pension Credit here.

If you haven't already, I'd check that she's getting single person discount on her Council Tax.

Warm Home Scheme details are here.

And see if you can go through her utility bills for her. When I did DFILs I managed to reduce his energy bill by almost £10O a month. Turned out he'd never enquired about switching.

Thanks for your help.

I’m amazed at how much you and others do. You have your own life too, you can’t put it on hold for 20 years. I can’t imagine as a parent wanting my children to run themselves ragged looking after me. I do get that many/all of you do it out of love not duty, but you have nothing to feel guilty about at all.

I think public expectation comes into it as well ThatPoster.

I recently had a half joking comment from a colleague about putting a relative in a Nursing Home because "I couldn't be bothered to look after them myself". They have a funded Nursing Home because it's end of life care. Had to point out that I can't provide 24 hour nursing because a. I'm not a Nurse & b. I have to go to work and put up with their bullshit

Oh wow, thank you so much for all your kind responses. I think I just needed to weigh up what I do against what others do. It is hard work and some weekends I'm grumpy and tired but I have still managed to have a holiday and get away for a couple of weekends too (with a bit of careful planning).

I don't think dad realises how much I do as my mum had a great routine with him and everything just 'magically appeared'. Fresh bedding, towels, home cooked meals, clean hankies in pockets, folded socks, dates on the calendar, meds in pots etc. It's not quite as smooth now but we trundle along!

But yes, dad is getting all the benefits he's entitled to and he helps to put fuel in my car etc with his attendance allowance (which defo helps my high costs with back and forth trips). I will continue to batch cook as it's so much cheaper than buying meals but I do tend to just add on extra whenever I'm making something in my own home. But I'm defo going to think more about online food delivery as racing round the supermarket to get all his things is another job which could be eased.

Thank you for all your help and kindness.

It depends on his needs & what he is capable of too.

It sounds like you are almost trying to be a substitute traditional wife for him. Can he be taught to look after himself more? Apologies if I have misunderstood and he is physically unable to do any self care.

I think you do a lot and am a big believer in people paying for as much care as they can and letting other people live their own lives. Nothing worse than someone 'fiercely independent' who insists on staying in their own home at all costs to the detriment of busy younger people with lives, jobs and families of their own. Selfish.
Is your dad really happy for you to continue to do all this indefinitely in the prime of your life? He'll really let you do that?!

But I'm defo going to think more about online food delivery as racing round the supermarket to get all his things is another job which could be eased. Oh, shopping! My Dad would go from “oh, I’ve got more than enough, enough to last me to Christmas” to “I haven’t got ANY” in the course of a few days. So I had to add a store cupboard audit to the medicines audit to the jobs I had to do when I visited.

Don't forget that laundries exist in some places that pick up and deliver.

Getting the shopping delivered when the cleaner is there, if they're willing to put it away, sounds like a good plan.

I'm a big believer in people paying for as much as their own care as possible too. If you became ill, how would your DF cope?

Also home cooked meals are only 'cheap' because you're not charging for your time. Your time is worth a lot. As your DF would find out if he were paying a cook. Is there a lunch club available? I assume they all stopped during Covid but surely some if these things must start up again.

I assume they all stopped during Covid but surely some if these things must start up again

Ours have all started up again, even the ones that look after the most frail and vulnerable.

@PritiPatelsMaker Do you also believe people should pay for their own healthcare earlier in life?