How to tell wife

[Paulrn]

MIL came to live with us last year and it has been so difficult. She can not walk without help, is doubly incontinent and our days consist of cleaning feeding her washing sheets making beds etc etc. we have to deal with everything and I am slowly watching my wife the woman I love deteriorate before my eyes. I find her crying and we are both so tired as we have not had a full nights sleep in all the time she has lived here. MIL also treats her like a slave and we cannot go out together because she falls if she tries to move and I am the only one who can lift her. We are both well into our 60’s and selfishly this is not the life we had planned. How do I tell my wife that this is killing us and she needs to go into a home.

Just have an honest chat. It can be the beginning of discussions, you don’t have to jump to the end and rush a decision. But it does sound untenable.

Dont 'tell her' - discuss and resolve the issue together. You're not the boss.

So I shouldn’t tell her I cannot do it any more

Maybe you could start by getting carers in if she refuses to go into a home. I don't think I would want to be doing intimate care for a relative.

You can say you are finding it unbearable and that you think a home would be better but you can't order it

Your wife might find it helpful to not have to make the decision herself. Agree with the starting with carers (and she might say no, but if it's carers or a home..)

Yes do tell her you cannot do it anymore. Possible solution include paid careers or a home. No one can make you do physical care and neither should you have to feel obliged to do so. Every time MIL falls, call 111 to lift safely. Do not continue to lift her or you risk your own physical health.

Maybe you could speak to the GP or social services to find out what else could be available for her. She must be into her 80s now?

It sounds as if the two of you are getting to the stage where you cannot care for MiL safely or well any more. Does she get to see any other people apart from your wife and you? In a care home, she would. Are you trained to lift her, protect her from pressure sores? Do you have cover for if you are unwell yourselves? You get that in a care home, as well as knowing that the people caring at night are not the same, exhausted, people doing the daytime care.

The thing so many people here say (see the "Cockroach Cafe" thread) is that when their parent goes to live in a care home, they can go back to being their DAUGHTER instead of their carer, and can spend quality time together rather than feeding and changing and AND AND AND!

It's tough though because it's one more step towards the end... even though it may actually improve MiL's quality of life . Everyone likes to have "their place"...

Your wife will probably be relieved if you make that decision and tell her you can't cope with it anymore. I'm sure she feels the same but possibly obligation and guilt stopping her saying it. Get a social services assessment ASAP or if self funding Age UK in my area has a placement advisory service to assist you find a suitable place. Your entitled to a life yourselves and I'm sure your too exhausted to enjoy it💐

Have an honest conversation without putting your foot down about putting her in a home.

Communicate how the current situation is adversely affecting you, your wife, your relationship without coming across as MIL is just a burden. Include that you care about MIL.

Discuss alternative care solutions to the current situation.

This happened to at least 2 friends
Even though it was obvious from the start a care home was the answer it went on a long time
They still ended up in a care home. And all was well.

An honest chat is the way to go. Calmly and quietly explain how you feel and remember to listen and reflect on what she says. Ask she does the same for you.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I think I nice care home would be best all round as you both need to consider your own physical and mental health. Good luck 🤞

It sounds really really tough. You will have to have an open honest discussion with your wife. How old is your MIL? My great grandparents lived in my home growing up for a while and both lived to 94 but were well able to do most things for themselves. My GGM went to a home for the last 6 months it was too much for my GM, family visited her daily, we were lucky it was close by. It's ok to look for help.

I think there is no harm in tactfully telling your wife that this is becoming untenable. She clearly does feel it too, even though she may be reluctant to admit to it.

She is not the first who ever ended up trying to take care of an elderly parent with declining health and found it impossible, or at least way, way, way harder than she could ever have imagined. It happened to us when my Dad was very ill at the start of last year, and I barely lasted four days. It was hell on earth even though my parents already had carers. The care company involved the adult social services crisis team.

Could you suggest that an assessment be done for your MIL's needs by adult social services? They might have a crisis team in your area you could call.

Perhaps one step at a time. Could carers coming into your home daily be an option for now? My mother has very limited mobility and has carers coming to her at home three times a day. Firstly at 7am to help her get up and to get breakfast done, then at midday to do lunch and then again around 5.30pm to do her tea. She does have to self-fund though, and it isn't cheap, but it is an absolute lifeline for her, for me and for my sister.

Depending on MIL's means, she may be entitled to some basic care before she needs to start paying.

Beyond that, she will need residential care.

So, involve adult social services, and maybe also a good, independent financial adviser.

How about you tell her you see how exhausted she is and would like her to have a break for a week. Suggest putting MIL into a respite home for a week so that you both get a break, then after a few days of being free, maybe suggest looking into more long term solutions so that you all get the best of both worlds. You and your wife get free time apart and together and MIL gets more people to care for her that means she has more freedom too, as a lot of care homes have activities on during the day that will help occupy her.

I agree with the suggestion of getting her into respite care for a week or two.
it will be hard for your wife to think clearly whilst she is in the thick of caring for her mother.

I don't know what's so bad about saying ''I cannot do this any more''. Your wife is exhausted too and it's her mother, she must be able to understand that you feel you have reached the wall?

This is a common problem , the decision to put an elderly parent in to a home. But god almighty, she's doubly incontinent, nobody's going to judge you.

Good luck with this conversation. PS, i see what people are saying with the don't tell your wife, discuss it. But in this instance, a forceful position on your part, a firm stance so to speak, that could assuage any guilt she might feel?? Like, well, I had to, in the end, my husband told me no more.

ps, you are NOT selfish not to want this.

You can get home visits from carers. It is subsidised for low income families. I think up to four visits a day so help with washing/dressing/toileting/medication/feeding. I am sure she would not want to be dehumanised.

You have my sympathies. It's incredibly hard looking after our older family in our own homes. I've done it for a few months for my Mum (terminally ill) and for a few weeks for my MIL (waiting for care home space)
I think once incontinence is an issue you really need outside help. Be it carers or residential care.
This will make you both ill and you should talk to your wife. There are compromises that will give you all better quality of life.

It's fine to say you are close to finding it unbearable, and that you are concerned the strain is getting too much for DW too. Also fine to say that something needs to change before you both burn out.

Then listen to DW and work out a way ahead together (there are some very sensible suggestions on this thread).

It might be that a home is the best option, but let that come from discussion, rather than you presenting a solution before you've both aired what you each think right now

I work for an aged care provider. Incontinence is a major factor in many people moving into residential aged care. It is 24-7 care and can’t be managed with visiting carers as you can’t allow people to sit around in soiled clothes or sanitary products until the carer arrives. And many people feel unable to manage such personal care for a relative. I couldn’t do it for my mother.

I agree that respite care would be a good first step. A couple of weeks so you can rest and have time to speak openly to one another. I think you are well within your rights to be honest about what you can and cannot manage in your own home. The current situation is clearly untenable.

This is so tough for you but I also understand anyone's decision to care for parents at home. I have done it for my Mum and now for my Dad and it is not easy.

However, from what you say about your MIL it is time to look to get some help that you deserve. Firstly speak to Adult Social Care and her GP about her entitlement for care. Also, speak to them about Continuing Health Care. This is notoriously hard to get but it doesn't mean that your MIL is not entitled to it.

Speak to Beacon with regards to Continuing Health Care and also read the CHC framework because lots of social care services avoid trying to go through the assessment process but don't be swayed if you read the framework and you think your Mother fits the criteria then fight for it. We managed to get for my parent and it made a massive difference to have help for her and for me.

Good luck it is such a hard time for you both.

I think just saying you can't do it any more is fine. It's honest, clear and you're explaining your own feelings. There's no way to misunderstand it.

Quite clearly your MIL needs to be in residential care, probably permanently though I agree about starting with a temporary setup.

I hope that you can get emergency respite care arranged and go from there. Try your local Adult Social Services.