Elderly mother - is this old age or pure nastiness?

[Cliffrichardsbum]

My mother has always been selfish. When my father was alive they lived their lives and made it clear they’d done their child rearing so don’t ask for help.
Father died 20 years ago and mother is now 95. Last few years she’s gradually slowed down a lot but mentally she’s ok, gets forgetful and muddled.
Unfortunately she thinks my life should be effectively put on hold now to attend to her every beck and call. I visit 4 times a week, cook for her, supply her with most of her food for the week but whatever I do it’s not enough. She can slowly manage to wash / shower dress, warm up food etc but she’s become lazy and wants waiting on.

She seems jealous of every nice thing I do, if I go on holiday she spends weeks beforehand saying how the flight will be cancelled, the weather will be poor etc. She finds the black side of everything, she’s extremely critical of my body, my hair, the fact I now have to wear glasses.
Shes the same with my daughter (who now will not visit) saying her hair is too long, she’s put on weight etc.
Its like she has no filter, she’s gossipy, salivates over other peoples misfortune.
Any time spent with her is torture to be honest. She’s bitter and unhappy and I don’t know what to do.

she refuses to spend money on taxis to visit friends, everyone has to come to her as she can’t be bothered with leaving the house.
she is a pain in the butt to wider family as she latches on to anyone who calls or visits and it’s then expected as a weekly schedule. she will call nieces and nephews saying she’s run out of things so they go to the shop and then have to come to her house.

she’s not happy unless she’s got someone there with her 24/7 but it’s not possible!
she will not hear of a day centre or care home. It’s miserable and trying and I’m getting I don’t like her very much.
is this simply her age magnifying how she’s always been? I’m trying to hold firm with her and told her that one or two days a week she has to accept she’ll be home alone.

any tips please?

is this simply her age magnifying how she’s always been?

Yes it's both. She's lonely and needs more care help but also is saying more extreme comments than she used to , a bit to do with her expectations that all your lives will resolve around her

Set your boundaries of what you can do, ignore (tune out) or say "don't be unkind or I will leave" if you think she is in control of the negative things she says

If she's not coping on days you don't want to be / can't be there then suggest she lets you refer her to local adult care for an assessment as you can't fit in more than you currently do and are exhausted and need to step back a bit. Don't (believe her when she says..) let her tell you to give up your life for her .

It's very difficult when you've always helped out but this is what we call carer responsibility creep

You are doing more and more as her needs are increasing. 90+ is an incredible age and she'll be feeling frustrated anxious and frightened perhaps at times. You don't have to be there 24/7 as if she needs that then the alternative is a residential care home or move into extra care scheme or other options .

Imagine you are 95, getting more frail, death used to be viewed through a long tunnel... now its the next station...

don't go out, friends all old or dead, lonely, no one to talk to until someone visits, need help and your family think you are a burden. I think I'd be bitchin too.

It is hard, you need to live your own life setting your boundaries. Decide how much you can give and try to get carers set up to cover the rest. MIL has (private) carers in 4 times a day, to get her up and washed/ dressed/medication, to spend some time chatting over a cuppa and a sandwich at lunch, to make sure she's fed/medicated at tea time and lastly to chat and get her to bed. Her demands on family have become much fewer since she has people to talk with regularly.

The carers are not there because she needs help, but because we do.

OP I have been in exactly the same situation as you. It's horrible and I feel for you.

The needs of an elderly person of this age are very often a bottomless pit and they will keep on growing. It is a very rare person indeed who can manage this care alone and if the elderly person is nasty on top of this, it becomes and emotional and psychological nightmare on top of the practical, time consuming burden of it.

You must, really must insist on paid help or push SS to provide carers. SS homecare is free if she can't afford it. Then, if you feel you must stay involved then go there to sit down and talk to her, watch TV etc. I know you might not feel like it,
as she isn't very likeable at the moment but honestly it will make a huge difference to you both. I spent years running around after my DM only to be rewarded by catty remarks, and never gratitude. Once I really cut down on the errands and spent time talking to her, things really improved. Another poster has expressed it better.

@PurpleSky300

*I know you say that you see her a lot - but it seems mostly very errand-focused and not, maybe, 'quality' time? Maybe just try a different approach. Can you sit and have a cup of tea with her, just talk about social things? Remind her of good times from the past and get her talking?

I would suggest just dropping the errands for a bit and trying more personal time. Can you take her out anywhere? Or even just watch some TV programmes with her or something?*

Op its hard. We took a huge step back. 80s. All about ME. I was very tired from it all. I told her its once week now with us working/homes to run. My dad spoilt her so that doesnt help. We got told a duty to elders but respect runs 2 ways!!