Feeling ground down

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I know what the answer will be to this, and I know I need to speak up but I just don't have the strength at this point.

Lost dm last year, and DF was also diagnosed with cancer, for which he's having treatment but at the moment we don't know how successful it will be.

As eldest sibling, I kind of expected the majority of care would fall to me and that I would struggle, so I talked to my siblings months ago and discussed what we could all do to help, they assured me it would be shared equally.

You might have guessed, it hasn't been. He doesn't need personal care but hasn't got the energy to do much else so l'm shopping, cooking most meals, taking to appointments. They visit, but don't really do anything when they're there. One takes him a takeaway once a week, the other just pops in. This would actually be manageable if DF was coping mentally but he isn't, he's very down, not motivated to do much to help himself, and I totally understand why he feels that way.

I'm feeling so mentally drained by it all. Every day feels like Groundhog Day. I know I need to have words with them again but feel like they'll agree with me but nothing will change. I just needed to vent really.

Write down a list of all the things you are currently doing. Be really specific. Then work out which things your siblings could do - taking into account jobs/distance etc.

Then give them a rota to take on a share of the load. Maybe that is all the tasks for 1 week so that you each take turns. Maybe it is a specific set every week so that you have less to do.

That sounds really tough on you,I assume you have your own life on top. Obviously you can vent away on here and it might ease the stress temporarily but you need more help.

If I were you, I would explicitly tell your siblings you are finding it tough and need some help. So, perhaps take it turns to do a shop/meal prep. Do you have a schedule of appointments for your dad? I would ask your siblings to take on some of these. Perhaps as you have just taken it all on they don't really feel they need to do much more.

Do this.
If you all live within a sensible distance and have similar other responsibilities there’s no reason why the care should fall to you.
They’re all adults presumably? Birth order has nothing to do with responsibility.

I feel for you. Sometimes the emotional load is more than the physical side isn't it. I am an only child so there was no conflict or stress to add to the pressure I was under. You are going to have to speak up for yourself and that is so hard to do. Do you have a close relationship with them all? If they knew how you felt would they do it to support you?

Could you perhaps agree a list of jobs that should be done by whoever is visiting? So that no one just comes in and sits down but helps to lighten your load when they are there. Having said that my mum asked my cousin to clean for her and she would pay her for it. Then when my cousin would come and start doing something mum would get upset and say she wanted her to sit and chat instead and "Hairbrush will do that later when you're gone!" Fortunately my cousin and I were on the same page but it was so frustrating.

Could you organise a rota for you and your siblings to call as well as visit? During the first lockdown my middle daughter organised her siblings to video phone Grandma and she would sit with her and organise the call and help keep the conversations flowing.

Does your DF get Attendance Allowance? It's not means tested, so would be worth a try. You can at least use that to outsource anything that you can - cleaning, gardening, etc, or look for a care agency that does the hospital appointments. In my experience, I wish I had put this in place earlier than I did, as I just kept picking up the slack as it increased. You will probably find changes will happen incrementally, so it is easy not to notice how much more you are doing - rather like a frog being boiled.

Agreed. For my FIL, we arranged a cleaner, gardener, meals on wheels and someone to take him to appointments. He didn't particularly like spending the money but it made our lives so much easier!

The popper inner might be happy to take bread and milk, empty the bins, change the sheets, tidy the garden but it might not occur to them to do any of that. Some people just don't see jobs that need doing. "While you are going to dad's can you....." might prompt some action. You need to be very specific about what you want them to do and then find out whether they are capable of doing it. If all three of you are capable of taking to appointments then all three could be doing it (or he could be using community transport or patient transport if it's something where he'll be not unwell after)

As Hairbrush said, it's easy to fall into a pattern where one person becomes the doer of all things and everyone else gets to have a cuppa and a chat. MIL believed that I was the only person who could change sheets and was genuinely stumped when I asked her who she thought changed the sheets at her daughter's house.

Nothing will change unless you speak up or become suddenly incapable of doing it. What would happen if you were in hospital? Whatever you just thought of could be put in place now.

Definitely apply for attendance allowance - it’s easier to persuade people to spend ‘free’ money. My parent has two hours a week care and it’s enough to do the sheets, hoover, carry stuff, make the odd call on behalf of my parent and make a difference to what I need to do on the day I am there every week.

You say the other children are visiting so that is something. Not saying you should be grateful but I’d honestly kill for that even and the contact must help your parents state of mind? Sounds like getting them to do some of the appointments might be a good first step and also asking them to do a couple of tasks whilst they are there. Maybe also get one of the others to investigate and apply for attendance allowance then find caters? With bereavement and the diagnosis, your parent is having a tough time. I don’t think you need or can expect to fix everything for them, especially not quickly. I do feel for you being the key person - the responsibility can be sapping.

As Hairbrush said, it's easy to fall into a pattern where one person becomes the doer of all things and everyone else gets to have a cuppa and a chat.

Yes! This is exactly what's happening. I have just actually sent a message to the family group just saying that I'm struggling with it, we need to have a chat f2f.

Sorry, posted too soon. It's tricky for the others to do appointments because they're in the day and my job is more flexible, although I might be able to get one of them to do the odd one. It's also a pain as it's a good drive away and never runs on time, so takes up half a day.