What is wrong with me?

[PyjamaFan]

I have a demanding mum. She tells me off regularly for not visiting her enough, not inviting her to our home enough, etc. She tells me stories about her friends and their children, about how much they enjoy spending time together and all the things they do as a family.

The trouble is, I have no feelings of love or even affection for her. I spend time with her because I feel I should do rather than because I want to. It feels like her demands of me and my time have just beaten all my feelings away.

We have recently had a terrible argument. I feel that she is unfair as it all stemmed from her cancelling a visit to stay with me and my DH, but then being upset at not seeing me and blaming it on me. I don't understand how her thought processes at all.

I feel like a complete heartless monster and don't know what is wrong with me.

Not everyone has a mother that is lovable? I certainly don't and live miles away.
I envy people who have great relationships with their parents. It's something I don't have.
They disaprove of every aspect of my life and "punish" me by not sending a birthday gift or talking to me for months on end. I'm in my 60s for gods sake.
So my solution was to move away. I haven't seen them for years and don't intend to.

As soon as I was old enough to realise what my mother was like ie seeing her a a person not as 'my mother', I went low contact.

Remember OP 'you can pick your friends but not your family' and it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't actually like them as people.

You are not a heartless monster. Please Google fear, obligation and guilt- FOG.
and come and join us at the cockroach cafe on this board, or read the stories. Bad daughters bench is very well occupied but always room, whereas tumbleweed blows through the good daughters broom cupboard…

Nothing is wrong with you. She just isn’t very nice.

There is nothing wrong with you at all.

You are an adult and nobody can force you to have a relationship with them if you don't want to. Would you stay friends with someone who treated you horribly? No.

You don't have to put up with this behaviour just because she's your mother.

I started a thread similar to this not so long ago. Except mine was a nasty c.... when i was a child. I can't stand her I really can't. She makes me so angry. Phones me all the time for shit, has early onset dementia. I am literally the only family member. She has no one else. We are going over there tomorrow out of feeling guilty like i have to or she will see no one all bank hol weekend. I feel so angry as have little precious free time and do not wish to spend it around her nor do my DC. I hear you. Wish so much I could go no contact and move far far far away. But I can't. i will not care when she dies. She is so fucking miserable and pity party for one

Nothing is wrong with you.

Your mum has no idea about those other families either - the adult children may not be visiting that often, visiting through gritted teeth, only visiting in search of an inheritance or a hundred other possibilities.

She only knows what her friends tell her and you only know what she tells you, and she tells you the version which gives you the biggest guilt trip so it's highly unlikely to be true.

If she wanted you to enjoy visiting and visit more often, then the visits need to be enjoyable. And she is at least 50% responsible for this.

Thank you all for your responses, it means a lot. It's good to know it's not just me!

I will indeed look at the cockroach cafe thread.

Thank you again.

My MIL is like you describe your mother, with DH. Constantly complaining that she is left alone - he has seen her, for one reason or another, every day this week. We are going away for a break tomorrow, her lip is tripping her up.
She does not get that her unpleasant attitude is what leads to her being on her own.
I do only what I must to support DH. He has told me he feels as you do. Any love has been smothered by the constant carping and complaining. Sorry you have to deal with this, but you are not alone in your feelings.

Think you put it well yourself - you have a demanding mum. Not a nice, pleasant, easy to be with mum. Ive late in life started to realise that its not me thats a cow, its that i dont get anything back and am expected to be an emotional crutch and do what I should. I now stand up for myself more- but it took a crisis. And people saying to stand up for yourself. You wouldnt tolerate it from a friend so why a parent? Mine is a delight- I cant think of her taking me out or doing anything for me as an adult, when my son was born she told me she wasvisiting me in hospital - I said it was not likely as we would likely be in and out, so she didnt come for two weeks, she has visited our house under her own steam once in 15 years , refused a million christmas invites so I have to bloody go to hers over the break (last one I took my young son on boxing day out of guilt, and she got us a cheese sandwich), she is now batty and in a home and thank Gawd for that!

Absolutely nothing wrong with you, it’s her not you 💐
My Mum has died now, a few years ago. Just how difficult she was has well and truly come home to me recently as my Dad died earlier this year and I have been supporting my Stepmum.

She’s been supporting me too and I realised yesterday although I am incredibly sad I have lost my Dad I feel like I have gained a Mum, the one I always wished I had without realising it for years.

I don’t blame you for feeling that way about your mum. She sounds incredibly hard work. Some parents place you in a ‘damned if you do; damned if you don’t’ situations and it defies logic. I’ve had a few relatives like this. I refuse to be alone on a one to one with one relation because they make some really unpleasant digs. If I react then they claim how nasty I am so I have to ignore it. It’s exhausting dealing with people like this.