I hate my elderly Dad sometimes, but distraught that he makes me feel this way, what to do!

[changedsoicanrage]

We've had a very difficult relationship since my mum died decades ago, I try so hard and yet he takes absolutely everything out on me. I just don't know how to cope with him but protect myself, how do you all keep boundaries in place to protect your sanity, feel so so upset and it will only get worse as he's 90. My RL friends just don't understand, everyone seems to have such lovely relationships with their parents. Not sure what I'm asking for here really, just some reassurance that it's not just me, feel so so sad. Long term mnetter here but nc for this.

OP, please don't beat yourself up, sometimes people aren't very nice, sometimes they're parents, sometimes they're elderly parents, and sometimes they're YOUR elderly parents.

I bet if you look at his childhood you might find a few clues as to why he is the way he is - that certainly helped me accept my Dad's personality (easier for me tho though as he wasn't a malicious person, more poorly socialized IYSWIM). I found that just understanding and accepting helped me sort things out in my head and be clear about what I was and wasn't happy to do. It didn't magically change him.

Your Dad is pretty old, so is your focus on getting your head round things so that you are at peace with it all for the rest of your life? At 90, even if he's a nightmare, he's a nightmare you won't have to put up with for much longer.

Anyway my two top tips
#1 look at his upbringing
#2 channel your inner bloke with no finer feelings, the sort who would make sure his Dad was in a decent nursing home but wouldn't visit him very often because "he might be old but he's still a dick, and it's not as if he really enjoys winding me up, even, so what would be the point?"

Does he have carers or are you expected to do all of the running around?
If he has carers, it's easier for you to take a step back here and there, and say 'if you're going to speak to me like that I'll go home' or 'if you haven't got anything pleasant to say to me I'll speak to you another time' if on the phone. Everyone needs some downtime and you deserve yours.

If he doesn't have carers, I'd urge you to seek help from your local carers group - they have links to SS and your local council. They will support you in finding help for your dad and yourself. Have a look online. If you can't find them, phone the local council number and ask.

If he's resistant to carers, let me tell you what I was told to say: 'you can make a decision now, but at some point you may well find the decision is made for you if you don't' (if he falls ill and can't be discharged from hospital because he's no longer safe, for example).
My DM is really not well enough not to have help now, admittedly for different reasons than your dad - it it's a heavy burden, because she's on her own now and much more demanding. I'm also the only sibling left in the country so everything falls to me.
Are you the only child dealing with your dad? I hope you have some support in dealing with him.

Thank you so much for your considered replies, very much appreciated. He had a pretty lonely, isolated childhood so yes totally agree he is a product of his upbringing.

No carers, he's sort of mostly ok, mobile, still drives (scary thought).

I'll come back with more tomorrow hopefully, just feel exhausted after his latest verbal barrage.

Thank you again and I'll be back xx

It’s because of the emotional attachment- if you were a paid carer coming in for one night, it’d be annoying, unpleasant, but it would not leave you upset. So try to observe him as if he were a lab rat “he’s exhibiting X behaviour, that’s interesting”. I think understanding where it’s coming from makes the objective approach easier.

He probably feels so much more comfortable with you than with anyone else, and can let out his frustrations and fears. Doesn’t mean you should have to put up with it.

He's unfailingly polite and lovely to everyone else, that's what's so upsetting. I get why but wish I could detach myself somehow from his rants and rages. He's awful to people in call centres too actually, anyone who doesn't immediately jump for him basically. His whole reason for being is based on anger and negativity therefore I don't want to be around him which makes him even more angry. God, families! I have a brother who is supportive but never really receives the same level of wrath for some reason, think I stick my neck out and challenge him more.

Thank you, your replies are all so helpful and kind x

If he’s beginning to lose his cognitive abilities, you could try the dementia advice and not challenge him, never mind how outrageous his views. Blaming everything on a third party helps “its not me asking you to do this, they make all the rules in London, they’re absolute nonsense but we have to go along with it”

Yes, I need to change the way I react, I find it really hard when he blames me for all his woes though 😖

Oh blame us horrible and painful.

I'm a bit of a therapy evangelist since finding a good therapist, my reactions are different at times which is amazing so late in life.

Have been considering a therapist yes. We're now onto the how do we stop him driving route, it's not going down well. Oh it's all so depressing!

My 90 year old DF was horrified at the £900 Insurance quote he was given. I didn’t help him to find a cheaper one, so he stopped driving and allowed my to SORN the car

My mum paid a £2000 insurance bill After she had her stroke and thankfully couldn't drive we found this out and my sister got the money back from the insurance company who had blatantly exploited her. But she was that desperate to keep her independence.

As I understand it you can report people anonymously to the DVLA? I'd say with driving you do what you have to do.

Empathy! It's being so nice to everyone else and the constant fucking put me downs that get me. If I comment I am oversensitive.

I'm having to withdraw massively at the moment for the sake of my sanity. She has loads of people giving narcissistic supply and I look terrible to the outside world. Happy to PM.

Sorry I didn't come back to this thread. I'm the OP but NC regularly. Just looking back over all your lovely helpful replies as had another horrendous episode over the weekend. I just can't stand being around him it's so hard. Have started therapy, god that sounds so ridiculous at my age! Hope everyone else is coping or if not you have my utmost sympathy!

Very glad to hear you've started therapy. Not ridiculous at any age. I wish my mum had had therapy around age 60 before she went into another relationship.

PermanentTemporary

Thank you, you're always so helpful on these threads, much appreciated x

I really hope therapy is helpful, it was for me. The key really is (as someone said upthread) to detach and observe like some kind of social experiment. You won't change him so you must change your emotional response to him. Easy to say of course much harder to do. Remember he needs you much more than you need him (well you don't need him do you, he needs you practically I assume). You've been trained to be obedient and not answer back probably over many years so don't beat yourself up. Try and let your emotions be anger rather than upset.

@changedsoicanrage no advice but I was in a very similar situation with my dad, who I’ve always had a difficult relationship with. He was impossible - long story - had no regard for my very young DC’s and completely refused to accept any help. It made me ill and was causing a rift in my marriage. I handed him over to adult social care with a four page letter explaining why I couldn’t deal with him any more and have been NC since August last year. Everything in my life is better since. Yes, I feel guilty, especially as I am an only child, but I haven’t even put his birthday on my calendar this year as I don’t want him anywhere near my life again. Not suggesting you go NC, but I completely feel your pain. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it.

My mum is 90 and awaiting a dementia diagnosis.

Because of the way she is, I find it emotionally draining. She doesn’t treat my brother the same but I can’t seem to do anything right.

I know it’s her illness but I need to develop a thicker skin x x

So sorry I didn't reply earlier. I name change often, have found this old one again to reply.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me/us on this thread, it's so hard isn't it. He's so old now and totally alone, it makes NC really really hard. I am going as LC as I possibly can, I will not visit unless it is a medical emergency basically.

I bought this amazing book which was linked elsewhere, it's called Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed, omg this book changed my life! Here are people who really understand what we are going through, I found myself reading it earnestly into the early hours. It finally gave me acknowledgment and recognition of all I'd felt over the years, would thoroughly recommend it.

Solidarity and love to you all xxx

So very hard isn't it, that horrible feeling that you are never good enough, good luck with your ongoing parental travails and hope you get outside help soon xx