Parent guilt

[3459870H]

need some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable.

All my adult life I have lived near to my parents and they were amazing when my family were young, helping with childcare while I worked and being there for me when I got divorced.

We have always been close.

When my marriage broke up 8 years ago I decided I wanted to move and make a fresh start (not miles away but just think away from gossips of small close knit community)

To cut a long story short whilst my house was on the market my dad died suddenly and I felt I could no longer move and leave my mum, so I took it off the market and stayed.

8 years on I find myself trapped.

My mum is 93 and getting more and more frail. I work full time hours over 4 days to allow me one day off in the week to do her shopping, take her to dr appointments (of which there are many!) etc.

I have been seeing a new partner for the last couple of years and I want to spend some more time with him. We often go away for weekends or I stay at his. The rest of the week I see my mum daily after 10 hour shifts and do all I can for her.

I have 3 brothers, one lives abroad and makes a royal visit once a year, one lives an hour and a half away and visits approx once a month and does all the maintenance type jobs for her. The other currently lives with her after his marriage broke up but he is pretty useless and has no patience with her. Being the only daughter she wants me to deal with all medical appointments and all her finances, correspondence etc.

she still goes out when I’m at work to church and other local community events about 3-4 times a week.

My partner and I have planned weekend’s away for the next couple of weekends and when I told my mum last night she pulled a face and made me feel guilty again for being away, particularly over the jubilee weekend.

She is always doing this but if I challenge her she denies it and says she doesn’t mean it but I know her so well and I know she does!

I am exhausted and stressed feeling constantly pulled in every direction.

My mum is lovely and I know she won’t be with us forever but I’m 56 and I also feel like now my children have grown up and are more independent I want a life too!

AIBU or should I just sacrifice the next few years to my mum and hope my partner is happy to wait until I’m freer to have a better life with him?

Carpe diem
Enjoy your weekends away with your partner. (And don't answer your phone to her or you brother)

You're doing lots for her - no need to feel guilty. Your brother lives with her and can hold the fort.

When you're back from your weekends - make enquiries about getting a carer's assessment from your local social services, for you as your Mum main carer. The assessment is about you, not her, if she pulls the face. No reason you should be doing her shopping, any cleaning etc, when you can delegate this is paid carers. You're working full time and need to think about how you will support your Mum as she becomes frailer - get the wheels in motion to do this sooner rather than waiting for the inevitable crisis.

Enjoy your weekends away - you are doing masses already. Do not feel guilty!

We used to visit my now husband's parents every weekend when we first started going out. I was just about to say that this can't go on when lockdown happened so we were forced not to go for 12 weeks. They are 94 and 97 now and need help but not all the time. We go for one day every other weekend as they have a large property to look after. We used to go sat morning to Sunday evening every weekend.

My mil used to ask us to come over on a Sunday the day after we got back from a holiday but I put my foot down and said no as we had to get ready for work. They live an hour away

Then she complained we weren't going up the first time restrictions were lifted in 2021 as we had things on. Then she moaned she was missing a weekend as I was going to my parents. I hadn't seen them for 9 months. To be fair she does it without thinking and my husband is so patient and good with them but I'm quite firm with what I will do re visiting and my husband is supportive of me.

I'm waffling but if your mum goes out herself still do you need to visit every day. I would do one day a week and enjoy it and explain you need time for yourself. Enjoy your new relationship too. I was 54 when I met my new husband. It's so good second time around. Been married 2 weeks

Sorry that a lot of waffle 😕

What @DPotter says. Go book those weekends ASAP.
I'd also be tempted not to tell DM when I was going away. Does she actually need to know?

Wait I just reread this. Your DB is living with your DM but not doing any of this ? I mean I get he shouldn't do all of it, but it sounds like he has moved in for his convenience rather than hers, but if he's living rent free he should be taking on some of the admin and ferrying responsibilities.

Who does your brother's shopping? (the one who lives with her) And laundry? And cooking? I am assuming you don't do any of this for him and neither does your DM - he is probably being useless because he can get away with being useless. Tell him (don't ask - tell) that you cannot and will not continue to do everything and he must start pulling his weight seeing as he is living in the same property (does he pay rent?).

Sounds as though you need to think about a cleaner for your mum, online grocery shopping and delivery and encourage her to think about taxis for appointments.

And, no, you shouldn't sacrifice yourself. That's what paid care is for and Asda deliveries! That way you will actually enjoy the time you get to spend with your mum and not feel resentful that your precious spare time is spent running around after her when, honestly, you don't need to.

Don't. Feel. Guilty.

You will do a far better job looking after your DM if you have the chance to escape and refresh occasionally. Respite is essential, when my DF was looking after DM his GP insisted on it.

Enjoy your weekends away!

Just do what you want. The fact she won't live forever doesn't give her a free pass to guilt trip you. Extremely manipulative IMO. I would think far less of her for this.
We scrimp and save all our lives to buy in help and care as needed when old and frail, rather then put the burden on busy adult DC with lives and families of her own.
We don't know what's round the corner for any of us. Get on with living your life and prioritising your own wants.

She is always doing this but if I challenge her she denies it and says she doesn’t mean it but I know her so well and I know she does! she probably does feel it but doesn’t want to show it, just as, presumably, you try not to show her all the frustration revealed in your post. She’s 94, of course she’s going to feel apprehensive at you going away. But your brother is there - he may be inept but he will stop her coming to serious harm.

lead your own life, help as much as you can and are willing to . Outsource as much as possible, so you can spend time just enjoying her company.

Listen to what everyone is telling you and take it in. It’s yourself making you feel guilty, not her, she’s just triggering it. Once you have fixed in your own mind the limits of what is reasonable, you won’t have the nagging guilt inside you and the faces won’t trigger that emotional response

meredinto
you are so right!
I recognise that in myself, I know she does feel it, she misses me when I’m away and clings to me for comfort and security when I am there !
I know I need to manage my own guilt.
I don’t think she’s trying to be difficult she’s just needy.
for those who suggest my brother who lives there does more. I have tried , he does do his own shopping etc but if you ask him to do hers or other stuff he moans and makes her feel so guilty and a nuisance and i hate her being made to feel like that.
She moans to me about him, I say something to him, he has a go at her and she tries to smooth troubled waters and say she didn’t say it/mean it and I end up the baddie!
It made me very sad that she once expressed that living with my brother was just like living with my dad all over again and she divorced him 40+ years ago (the dad I mention that died was actually my step dad but always considered him to be my dad!)
My brother is trapped with her and she with him, he doesn’t have enough money to buy again after his divorce, doesn’t have enough income to privately rent. Doesn’t work due to mh issues but can’t get any benefit support! Council won’t rehouse as he has a roof over his head unless my mum evicts him which she won’t do! It just goes round and round in circles!

Live life while you can.

I also have a needy elderly mother, and my father died last year, they have both been disabled and housebound for years. Much of my life for the past decade or so has revolved around propping them up and taking them to hospital and organising care, but I am not letting myself be emotionally guilted into giving up my own life entirely.

My husband died in his early 40s, my sister died in her early 50s; my father nearly died in his mid-60s, but ended up disabled and living for another 20 years. I am in my mid-50s and I am not going to put my life on hold for an indefinite period, because by the time I am free to do what I want, it could be too late. So I go to visit my partner (he lives several hours away), or away for the weekend by myself when I have been having a particularly stressful week or two.

I know my mother would rather I were around all the time, but she has professional carers and she will survive. I also remind myself that she did not provide anything like this level of support to her parents or in-laws: at my age she and my father were enjoying long holidays with no responsibilities.

Please take the advice of others and go. Your mum will not come to any harm while your brother is with her. I am just taking my first tentative steps back into the world after nine years of caring for my mum, unable to go away without arranging for her to stay with my cousin (which she hated) and for the last four years I was unable to go out if there was no one around to help her/keep her company. She is in a nursing home now and tries to drown me in guilt when I visit but I am letting it wash over me and enjoying living with my incredibly patient husband who has stood by me when we have barely been able to see each other.

I have been stretched in all directions - kids, husband, mother - and a year on I am just beginning to identify my own needs and desires. By all means show your mum you love her but take care of your own needs as well.

She won't be around forever but you also have a life to lead. Is there a reason she cannot have shopping delivered? If she had similar each week you could set it up online and pay with her card.
I think going in daily is setting a standard it will be hard to keep up. She can pay weekly or fortnightly for a cleaner that will give her another visitor.
Maybe she would attend an Age UK day centre or something for social contact. Maybe church have a pastoral team who could drop in on her.
See if you have a local carers support group who can support and advise.

Hi op its not easy. I have 2 siblings. We do what we can. She 80. She got demanding lately which tends to happen when she doesnt get her way. Moods over hols too. I stopped tell her as much. Only so much people can do when they work too

I think that at 93, my opinion would be very different to if she was 73.

I don't think that it's wrong to want to go away, but equally, I think that on special occasions as the Jubilee feels for some, especially the older generation I think that I'd want to be around. Likewise, consecutive weekends away knowing this situation does seem rather thoughtless.

I find it concerning that she compared her son to her abusive husband and would be worried about potential safeguarding issues as tbh if he's in her home, he should be being far more amenable and making more effort or get out and do it himself alone!

If your oh is worth his salt, he'd be trying to help you balance all of this and for you not to be thinking that you're Risking anything by doing this.

OP, I have a 92 year old MIL. She genuinely has health issues , but about 15 years ago we put a move on hold because she had a crisis. She is still with us , and although DH is one of 3, it’s him she clings to.
It has caused a LOT of resentment over the years, and even today, when she pulled a face at hearing our plans to go away over the jubilee weekend, it caused an argument. We are not changing our plans, but I know DH is conflicted, and I am at the end of my tether.

Don’t let that happen. Live your life.