MIL and Husband

[Stressybetty]

Elderly MIL came to live with us around 2 months ago. Was living abroad for years so GP registration and appointments all ongoing. She doesn't qualify for any eligible benefits as hasn't been in UK for last 2-3 years. My difficultly is at this early stage how much to do for her. She has dementia and Alzheimer's both early stages and is pretty lucid most of the time. My DH seems quite happy to pass things onto me, he'll go to appointments with her but things like cutting her toenails etc he tries to push me into doing. I get on with her but I don't want to gradually end up doing everything including eventually most of her personal care. Any tips on how to manage this?

There is absolutely no way I would do personal care for my MIL. Get a podiatrist in to cut her nails if you can afford it. If not then your DH has to step up and do more. Has she got any money at all to pay for her care needs?

I would not do personal care for my MIL. I'll help in other ways, but not that

No way, I would help up to a point, but your DH needs to step up or you will end up caring for her full time. Have you thought what will happen when she gets worse and needs to go into residential care. The fees are extortionate, DP grandma is in a care home with dementia and it’s costing just over £1500 a month which is only possible because her house was sold.

What happened when you first discussed this? What’s the plan when her health deteriorates more?

Very early days ATM, she has a house in France which we are looking at selling and other income. Plan was initially to arrange for a care home in UK but as she isn't that bad, she wants to stay with us for now. I think eventually we will need more help from NHS for care. BIL is a psychologist for the elderly specialising in dementia although in a different county. Has promised to help as much as possible and was good at liasing with the French hospital but didn't want her living with him! Tbh we are managing fine living with her day to day it's just working out how to do this.

You have to make it crystal clear to your DH right now that you won't be doing any kind of personal care for his mum, and set out now what kind of care you are willing to share with him. It's his mother. You cannot end up as the default carer just because you are female!

Hair - hairdressers
Nail - chiropodist

Outsource as much as you can and if and when it comes to personal care and bathing etc that's when you need a social services assessment and get caters in to help.

To not drip feed, I was living back with my mum and dad and my toddler DD over 20 years ago when mum was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's at 55. Dad was in denial for a long time up to and after the diagnosis and I basically ended up gradually taking over all her usual housework, cooking, life admin etc as well as doing admin for dad as s/e. His life barely changed. I stuck it out for 8 years until I left, exhausted and with an eating disorder. MIL is 77 and ATM good company and I'm a lot stronger and older now.

You can get chiropodist to do home visits. Ditto hairdressers.
Might be worth also looking into carers to visit if she needs help showering etc. My MIL lived with us for a couple of months while we.sorted a care home. She really wasn't well and it was very hard. We had carers come in every morning to get her washed and dressed and we did the rest ourselves. It wasn't sustainable for us but we managed and she's in a home now.
I'm really not close to my MIL but ended up doing much more personal care than I wanted to! She didn't like DH helping her.

Thanks all. I will have a good talk to DH. GP is arranging for her legs to be looked at and she is diabetic. I have seen more specific diabetes chiropody services advertised as well as normal care so will check what we need.

It is not your job to look after your MIL OP.

It's very kind of you to agree to open your house to her, but all her care should be organised by your DH. By all means discuss it with him and make suggestions but do not let him leave things to you to do. His mum, his responsibility. Do not become default carer as that will be extremely hard to row back from when her dementia worsens.

Anything your DH is unwilling to do, you don’t do. So if he doesn’t want to do personal care then neither do you. It’s either paying to outsource or a home, no matter how lucid she is now.
sorry your dad expected you to do that for him, tell your DH exactly why you’re not doing this again