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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly dad

10 replies

Xxloubyxxlouxx · 16/05/2022 11:18

A long story
My dad has 5 grown children none of which have bothered to see him for 6 yrs my dad is 89 im looking after him on my own and working f.t with a child
My dad has point blank refused carers his children call me not him once in a blue moon to ask how he is but none of them visit at all i feel like i should have it out with them after spending a weekend calling family begging for help to have someone come check on him when i have to go back to work from the office im litrally at my wits end

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 16/05/2022 11:32

That sounds really tough on you, and your DC. Do es your DF have power of attorney set up with you named for health and finances?

I don't think you can make your siblings help if they don't want to, as unfair as that is. You also can't force your DH to accept outside help, HOWEVER that doesn't mean you have to do it all for him. It may take you only doing what you can and your DF reaching crisis point for him to accept help.

Does he know you're completely exhausted? Are Social Services involved?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/05/2022 12:11

It sounds like you really love your dad and I'm sure he is grateful to you for all you do but he is unwilling or unable to appreciate/understand what you do. I didn't have as much going on as you do but I was falling apart from the pressure of caring for my mum and needing to spend time with my own family as well.

I finally got help by talking to my GP and having an assessment from a social worker attached to the surgery. Even then it was four months before a care package was put in place.

What sort of care do you provide for your dad? What could happen if no one can check in on him while you are at work? Does he just need company or is there a risk of him falling? Can he sort his own food and drinks?

Sadly it might well be as @PragmaticWench says that there will have to be a crisis before he is able to get help but you must not allow yourself to be guilt tripped into taking it all on your shoulders. Get on to Social Services today and tell them your concerns. Obviously they can not override your father's wishes but they may be able to help him to understand your concerns. My mother resented having carers and resented every penny that they cost but she was too polite to say anything to them face to face so I suffered her wrath instead but it was worth it to have the help.

Just a warning though that even if he agrees to having someone calling in on him and SS agree that it is necessary it could be weeks or months before there is any availability.

Are you registered as his carer with his surgery or with your employer? That is something that can be helpful that you can put in place right now. Also have you applied for Attendance Allowance on his behalf? If you are applying for it make sure you set out his needs on a worst case scenario. Don't go on the basis of his good days but on his worst.

Original poster
Xxloubyxxlouxx · 16/05/2022 12:21

Ive not got poa i litrally do his shopping washing pay bills
He was able to go shop but had a fall at wkend it wasnt serious but panicked me
Been in touch with ss but unless he needs gelp washing etc they cant help
They referred us to age uk who have basically said if he can walk as far as emd of the street he is self sufficient
He doesnt usually fall he had been out in 4 layers in 21 degree heat and had 2 pints i maybe worrying too much id just like someone to check on him mainly for my own piece of mind

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/05/2022 12:31

I get that - he's your dad and you care. Trouble is SS is so stretched they have to limit what they can do. How often do you visit him apart from when he fell?

Original poster
Xxloubyxxlouxx · 16/05/2022 12:38

I live not far so litrally 4x a day

OP posts:
godmum56 · 16/05/2022 12:47

I say this dificult advice as someone who has been on both ends of this problem (professionally worked in the NHS, also cared for elderly parent) I think you need to discount the rest of your family and set your boundaries according to what you are able to do long term. Have a serious loving talk with your father about what you are able to do and what you are not and then STICK TO IT. While you are filling the gap, he won't accept help and SS won't be in any hurry as you are caring for him. Why was he out in too many clothes? is he dementing? Its not true what Age UK says, people who cognitively can't cope may still be physically ok, they will be able to go out of the house but are at risk when they do so. i would suggest that you do get at least a financial POA while you father still has capacity to agree.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 16/05/2022 12:56

You are visiting 4x a day, paying his bills and doing his shopping and washing?

What @godmum said

  • forget the other kids, they are never going to step up
  • get Power of Attorney in place (you can do this yourself online) so you have some legal backup for managing his money
  • Your dad is taking advantage of you. Sorry. Get out of child mode and into adult-to-adult mode. Decide what you can do, tell him, do that and no more, and ride the short-term storm.
This is tough for you Flowers
cptartapp · 16/05/2022 12:58

Your anger is misdirected. It's not up to Dc to look after their parents, it's up to parents to use the money they've 'scrimped and saved' and pay for care as needed to ensure they are safe and comfortable in their old age, and let their busy adult DC live their own lives.
If your dad doesn't want to do that and is happy to watch you run yourself ragged, and you go along with it, that's on you both.
Only if you step away and a crisis develops will things change.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/05/2022 13:16

So you do his shopping, his washing and you pay his bills - you don't need to do all of those every day though. It will be a change for him if he is used to saying "Can you pick up x/y/z on your way to me" but you could make sure his cupboards and fridge is stocked and only shop once or twice a week. Do you wash for him every day? Can you wash just once or twice a week? The same with the bills - you can collect them and pay them from your home.

If he is able to cook for himself, get himself to bed and get up in the morning he doesn't really need four visits every day. It sounds like he has got used to it and loves your company which is understandable but help from SS is not going to make any difference to that. Can you replace some of the visits with phone calls?

Original poster
Xxloubyxxlouxx · 16/05/2022 13:23

Thank you for the advice
Hes not dementing
The amount of clothes is due to always feeling cold to a genetic deficincy but is not serious

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