Dm waiting on a possible degenerative diagnosis

[IncessantNameChanger]

Dm has over 6 months wait to see a consultant for a degenerative diagnosis.

My dm wants / needs to downsize but doesn't want to part with her belongings. In fact I think she doesnt want to spend any money or for anything to change.

My sis wants her to move closer to live inbetweeners us. However my dm was abusive to both of us as kids and dsis never sees her at apart from once a year with me. I see dm much more. I'm extremely worried that if she only sees dm once a year then that's not going to change and the caring will fall to me. I have a child who is disabled but a sahm ( decided to be a carer for my son until he starts secondary).

I expressed my concern to dsis that I will not become primary carer, without power of attorney we cant make any choices anyway for mum, she needs a diagnosis before we do anything and someone needs to accompany her to the consultant app. But so far no acknowledgement of what I have said.

I still think nothing can happen until dm gets a diagnosis. But we are right at the beginning of the journey and already theres three people unable to discus what the others want.

It's not that I dont want to be a full time carer for dm. It's that I cant. I could pop round a few times a week if she was say ten miles away but I can not do more because of my kids. I'm on a pathway to a cfs diagnosis myself.

Dm has her head in the sand
Dsis is looking for flats
I'm holding fire until theres a diagnosis

Am I right to stick to doing nothing until we know what's going on?

It's a good time to be thinking about what you will and will not do, in advance of doing anything at all. Decide what your boundaries are and then let everyone else make plans with that in mind. If you are happy with a twice a week daughter visit (as opposed to a twice a week cleaner/gardener/care visit) then be very clear about that so that any future care plans don't have you at the heart of them.

Assuming that your mum has capacity (and there's nothing in your post to suggest that she hasn't) then what she does is up to her. Does she want to move to somewhere smaller? Does she want to move out of the area she knows? What your sister wants doesn't come into it, this is your mum's life and her choice.

I think the waiting phase is always the hardest because you can't plan for anything, you have no idea of what is ahead and assume the worst. I'm sorry you have this ahead of you and hope that once the shock subsides things settle down between the three of you.

Yes I'm in shock. My sister isnt even emotionally available for that aspect. She seems to plunging ahead with the idea of moving mum closure with no regards to discussing it with mum.

I would be happy to go and change mums bedding and put the Hoover around but I wouldnt do more all the time mum has plenty of cash to hire a cleaner and gardener. Ie I would help her if she was also willing to help herself. She currently is two counties and 80 miles away.

I think that a major move to a different county in her late 70s will be too stressful for her.

I do think that the diagnosis or lack of dictates the choices mum should consider and if she puts up resistance it's not my responsibility or place to make her. I can try to rationalise with her but no more.

I think I need to write it all down. Its swirling around in my head and I just see myself doing stuff i simply I cant cope with given my childs needs.im sure it would be so much easier if we wasnt in a dysfunctional mother / daughter dynamic.

Add in the guilt that things would be different if she wasnt so abusive and never stopped being abusive. It is what is.

I just wasnt expecting this