Feeling guilty …and angry.

[LadyRoughDiamond]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my Mum, which has deteriorated over the last few years. She resents my home, relationship, lifestyle and tends to be very snippy and passive-aggressive. I should add that I’m not living a particularly louche or irresponsible life (two kids, own home, professional jobs), she just likes to criticise and belittle. I’ve spent the last twenty years trying to get back the confidence she chipped away.
My Dad died when she was in her mid-sixties and her long-term depression got worse. She retreated into herself, smoking more, not exercising and eating rubbish. Twenty years later and she’s suffering from diabetes, a heart condition and now has lung cancer.
As an only child, her care falls to me and so she’ll be staying with us for a few weeks soon, after her lung op. I’m dreading it. Part of me feels terrible about this and guilty that I’m not feeling happier about spending time with her. The other part of me is furious that she’s spent the last few years slowly killing herself and refusing to take any responsibility for her health… and then I feel guilty about this too.
It just all feels so overwhelming - she won’t move into sheltered accommodation, won’t let me help her make her home more accessible and won’t discuss long-term options. The only conversation we’ve had recently resulted in her banging her fist on the table and screaming at me. She has said that she expects to move in here permanently but I know my mental health (o and husband) won’t stand it.
im not sure what I’m looking for here but really needed to vent as I’m just feeling this overwhelming sense of dread.

As her only child her care does NOT fall on you.
If you do not want her to come to live with you for whatever length of time then that is absolutely fine... and let anyone who judges you open THEIR door to het.
You are her child by accident of birth, sounds like she hasnt been a great mum... so why would she expect you to be the great daughter??
Step away.
Tell her she wont be coming to stay short OR longterm.
She will have a care plan organised for her home before she leaves the hospital.
You live your life.

Could you talk to Social Services about her long-term care and needs after she's over the operation? I'm no expert in what services are available, but perhaps someone here on MN can give you more detailed advice on what help she (she, not you) can get.

I'm with BonBon - the care does not fall on you; although, perhaps the care for ensuring she gets care does.

Please lose the guilt - you are already doing more for this woman than I would. Start looking for resources to share the load.

Can she recuperate in a nursing home somewhere? Somewhere where you can visit, but also get away, and where your home doesn't become a battlefield where she can strut her dislike of you? Also, to avoid putting a roof over her head and then not being able to evict her for whatever reasons.

Once you take responsibility for her it may be very hard to find anyone else to take her on, SS won't be interested if she's safe with you, you'd literally have to put her out on the street. So better not to take her in at all. You are being bullied into this by an abusive mother. It's not your fault that she refuses to go anywhere else, tell the hospital that you can't take her after all and they will need to get SS involved and organise something for her. We were in a similar position with in-laws. This is not on you, you do not have to do anything and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I understand the guilt, but I wouldn't look after her. Why should you? Doesn't sound like you owe her anything and she's deeply unpleasant to be around. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our relatives, but you do get to choose who you keep in your life.

Just adding my voice to posters above to say that you do not owe her care, just because you are the only child. If she is dislikeable, uncooperative and unkind, which it sounds as though she is, what makes her think that she can expect kindness and cooperation from those around her?

Your instinct that long-term residence in your home is a bad idea is spot on. I would go further and say that letting her stay several weeks in your home could be a slippery slope from which it becomes very difficult to get her out. I would recommend making clear to social services that your circumstances now mean you can't offer any caring support, and see what they say.

Full disclosure: I am a child who has decided against allowing an ageing parent to live with me - and this is a generally very kind, cooperative parent, although challenging in their way. I cannot imagine extending hospitality over weeks to someone who makes you feel like shit.

Good luck finding a way through that protects you and your partner.

Do not allow her into your home op.
Do you really want to expose your own dc to her behaviours? Or potentially put pressures on your marriage?
Contact adult SS and tell them she will need respite care after her op.
You wre still deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt..)
She is a grown woman who has made her choices. She must now live with them.

I'm worried that if she expects to live with you in future, that once she's got her foot in the door post-op you might find it really hard to get her to go home again.

As other posters have said, you are not responsible for caring for her! Parents choose to have DC, not the other way around, and your DM doesn't get to tell you that she's going to live with you, whether you like it or not.

Please look at other options for her to recuperate after her operation. She will be able to go into a rehab facility or nursing home if you tell SS that you cannot have her staying with you.

You're going to have to be strong though OP, put yourself, your sanity, and your relationship with your DH first and stand your ground. You'll probably need to be involved in arranging her alternative care, but don't let FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), force you into accepting a situation that you know will be a complete fucking nightmare - and one that you might find it impossible to get out of. Act now and avert that nightmare before it starts.

NO NO NO, please OP dont do this, her care does NOT lie with you and her attitude is disgusting, banging fists on a table, who does she think she is?.
As previous posters have said once she moves in then its game over, social services wont help you and your mum wont move out. What will happen is your own family life will suffer and thats absolutely no fair on you.
Please take on board everyones comments, you need to be really strong and stand up for yourself.

Allowing her into your home would be allowing your children to grow up with the domestic abuse that they’ll no doubt witness. If you won’t put yourself first, then at least put them. You owe your mother nothing, and as pp have said, once she’s in you’ll have a hard time getting her out

I agree with all of the above - you do not owe her care. I wouldn’t even agree to having her move in short term, as she will get her feet under the table and not want to leave!
Speak to adult social services asap and tell them she will need a care plan in place for when she comes out of hospital.
It’s hard enough helping to care for someone when they are appreciative and pleasant, there’s no way in hell I’d be doing it in your position!

'The other part of me is furious that she’s spent the last few years slowly killing herself and refusing to take any responsibility for her health'

My MIL is like this and I feel for you. It's soul destroying.

Absolutely agree with everyone else. You do not owe this woman care, and if you let her in, it may become impossible to get her out. It sounds like she fully expects to move in and be waited on forever. No way. You have your own life to live

You MUST say no. SS will absolutely wash their hands of her care if you're there. They're depending on your F-O-G, I promise.

Don't take her home OP. If you ever want to get help with her from social services, you would then have to kick her out. Much less traumatic to never let her stay and seek help from that point. SS will not do anything if she has somewhere to stay, no matter how awful it is for those caring for her.

You have my total sympathy. I'm not in a dissimilar situation but we are not at the stage of 'moving in'. I am clear that that will never happen, both for my own sanity, my relationship with my partner, but most importantly fir my kids. I don't want that level of toxicity in my home for any longer than absolutely necessary - and by that I mean 1 night.

It's so so so tough. The guilt is draining. And you feel run ragged trying to 'please' everyone.

We lost my darling dad 18months ago. But My mum has done nothing to help herself for years. I look at her and yes I do feel sad for her, but she has always blamed other people for her not 'driving', 'using the internet', 'changing a battery on the remote control' etc etc etc. I feel your anger and bewilderment. But thus isn't down to you. As others have said once she is there, she is your problem. I really hope you can sort alternative arrangements.

Gosh, I’m overwhelmed by so many responses. Thank you all so much for taking the time to not only read my rambling OP, but also respond.
Sometimes we know we’re not being unreasonable deep down, but need to hear someone else say it.
@Beachsidesunset @Lottapianos and several others have made the point that SS may wash their hands of her care if I step up - I must admit, this isn’t something I’d even thought of and so thank you for mentioning this.
Last night she rang round a few family members and told them she was going into hospital to have a lung op. No details, no info, just hung up. Of course, this was to make people feel guilty (despite her driving them away in the first place), but the upshot is that I’ve been called by various uncles and cousins today and have had to calm them down and explain everything. She drops the bomb and leaves me to clear everything up. It’s just so bloody manipulative. At least I can see that, I guess!
Sorry, I’m ranting again, but I do feel more empowered by your responses. Thank you all xx

If she wants to bang tables and scream then she can, it's not your responsibility to make her happy. I'm assuming that the idea is that you then back down and attempt to smooth things over but you are an adult now, she can't send you to your room or stop you seeing your friends. You're not six and she doesn't have the power to make you comply that she did when you were younger.

If she expects to move in at some point, have you told her that is not an option? She's not going to look at other accommodation if she thinks that her preferred choice (you) is available. There will be a scene but better a screaming session and sulking for a few weeks than a possible decade of simmering resentment on your side as you are manouvered into doing what she wants rather than what you want.

"As an only child, her care falls to me" it really doesn't you know, not unless you want it to.

Your 'D'M is a manipulative bully OP, but you know the way to deal with bullies? Stand you ground. Be firm. Clearly communicate what you are and are not prepared to do. Be clear with her right now that moving in with you is not an option and she can either look at the various options with you, or you'll make a decision for her. She'll try every trick in the book, but you just need to keep trotting out the same lines: 'No Mother, that's not an option', 'No, I'm afraid that just isn't going to work', etc, like a stuck record.

I'm with the others. Her care does not fall to you. Tell her that soon.

No need to have her come out of hospital straight to your house. You may have trouble ever getting her out again and then social services will wash their hands of her, claiming that she is adequately and safely housed with you.

You will need to insist that she doesn't come out of hospital without a proper assessment being done and a suitable care package being in place. This could be in her own home if it is suitable, or other options like sheltered accommodation may need to be investigated.

Whatever happens, stick to your guns and insist that her moving in with you is absolutely not an option.

OP, you said you feel guilty AND angry. Totally understandable. Try to really lean in hard to the anger - that's the healthy part of you standing up for yourself. She is trying to ride roughshod over your boundaries and this part of you is not having it. Listen hard to what it's telling you, and try to trust it

Tell her that you have sought expert advice on her recuperation after the op and that as a busy working parent you can not offer her the nursing care she needs. Find a nursing home for her to recuperate.
I have an elderly parent who having deliberately chosen to isolate himself from everyone bangs in about how lonely he is and Jow I'm the only person he talks to. Whenever I feel guilty about not doing more I remind myself how he never put himself out for anyone !

It is your responsibility to ARRANGE care for her but not to do it.

I too am an only child but from a happy home with two loving parents. However having cared for my mum for nine years after dad died I wish I had involved Social Services when it was first suggested to me by the hospital when dad became ill.

Our situations are different in that my mum is older, living in the granny annex in my garden, and I was already doing a lot of her care even while dad was alive but I would advise anyone to get help from SS as soon as possible. If your mum needs care when she comes out of hospital she should be entitled to a reablement package and should take advantage of that. If she needs further help when that comes to an end then they will arrange it.

I love my mum but I am so relieved that I am no longer her carer.

God it’s me ! V similar position. Tho Mine just decided to up sticks into a care home - long story but the relief !! Get a request in for a social services care assessment, ( not easy my mother refused twice but at v worst you will have one if she’s in hospital and can’t go home. You ll have to be v strong say you can’t have her - you have a job, even if you don’t, kids etc. Then social services will have to sort it out. If she fell over and ended up in hospital that’s exactly what would happen. Worst case scenario, you and the rest of the family could unfortunately get COVID/ chicken pox/ etc at same time. I found it wasn’t until she was ina home that o realised how strsssed had been. And that I could just say no. Practice it no I can’t today. I’m at work etc.
mone also got v shouty and nasty . I think it’s start if dementia/ severe ageing. Good luck but don’t let her in!!

Just wanted to add another no no no to the thread.
Don’t do it op.