DM jealousy

[crispsandnuts]

I generally have a good relationship with my DM who is 82 and after a few miserable years (my marriage broke down) Ive finally got my life on track and moved on. I know shes happy for me as she was in a situation where she couldn't leave her marriage due to stigma and finance at the time and is still very bitter about how her life turned out.
However, when I tell her what Im doing (weekend away, holiday or whatever) she mutters about cost and seems a bit put out by it. Its getting to the point I want to avoid telling her what I'm going to do, I dont want to have to justify how I spent my money or how I send my free time. Has anyone had similar situation? I know it must be harder being older and loosing a sense of independence and I spend a lot of time with her, however I feel I walk on eggshells.

OP, I suspect your DM might be unaware she is coming across quite as miserable. A younger version of herself might be quite mortified.

Her world will shrink if she doesn't maintain regular meetings and inter-actions with a range of people. If you are becoming her only 'outlet' then you are getting all her output - and it sounds all pretty negative.

There came a point when I stopped telling my DM everything. Just gave her need to know information and anodised versions of everything. (Her developing dementia skewed everything dramatically.) Your DM may not have dementia but her thoughts might be anchored in all the stuff she regrets. She might also be losing her 'filter' and perspective.

It's great that you have navigated your way through some tough times.
The relationship with your DM is altering. Your roles are reversing. Sharing everything won't do either of you any good. Cut her a little bit of slack but prepare yourself for a new way of communicating your life with her.

Thank you, really appreciate those views. Youre right in terms of the relationship changing and taking on a different dynamic over the years. Ha and definitely lost her filter!

It felt like my real mum was leaving the building... in a sense it's the start of the grieving process for your original DM.
If you haven't got POA sorted for her, I'd do your best to get it dealt with sooner rather than later.

Depression, delusion, dementia are all out there lurking for us as we grow old. I just hope I don't get all three.

I’m a DM. I’m financially relatively secure now through prioritising saving. So it scares me seeing DC having several holidays a year (though to be fair to him, he does manage his money well). I also think one’s perception of the cost of things gets frozen at the time when one ceases to spend regularly on that item. Fortunately, being 10 years younger than your DM i can keep my worries to myself, and just enjoy his stories of the places he has visited.

Yes, I’ve been (still am) in a similar situation.

My parent has always been jealous of anyone they perceive as better off than them. We were recently in a cafe full of young mums with toddlers. My parent commented bitterly that they couldn’t afford to go to a cafe when my siblings and I were toddlers. I suggested it was a good thing that these mums could socialise over a coffee, but my parent just harrumphed. I’ve listened to decades of snippy remarks about “another new coat” or whatever, and no longer want to hear it. The jealousy has always been there but, as others have said, there’s even less filter now.