Hands up I just can’t handle this anymore

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

So mums gone down hill since lockdown, never really recovered properly
gone from being quite. A harsh person to a Unwell victim that pretends to be worse then she is and it’s so draining

if it wasn’t for the fact she’s got a dark side and all the bad shit she doe over the years it wouldn’t be so bad but I just can’t handle it

I just don’t want to go there I don’t want to be involved with the caring at all like drs appointments etc

You don’t have any legal responsibility to care for her. If you really don’t want any involvement it may be easier than simply wanting to do less. Write down the ways in which she cannot care for herself, then contact Social Services and GP and tell them she is in need of care and that you cannot and will not provide. You may have to let a catastrophe happen before anything useful is done.

You don't have to care for her. Do what the above poster suggested and organise for social services to provide care for her. Her needs are important but so are yours. You are not being a bad daughter to get someone else to do the caring that is reducing your quality of life (and so the quality of care for any children you might have).

Thanks I’ve decided I need to take a big step back for my own well being which like
thansk for the advice
this is a very weird stage of life that you don’t get prepared for

I stepped back from looking after MIL. It's not right to say that I didn't have a choice, I chose to look after my mother and not run myself into the ground trying to keep track of everything for both of them. At the time I felt incredibly guilty about it but something had to give and I'd reached the sobbing stage. I said I wasn't doing hospital transport anymore, she arranged patient transport with the hospital. I said that I was not being the contact for the fall alarm so instead of calling me at 3am they sent their own staff round or she had to wait for an ambulance.

If it's transport she needs then look into your local community transport service or set her up with a taxi account if she has the money for that. I was close with a car and MIL was too tight to pay for what she could get for free. Never mind that I was spending half a day at the hospital and paying an eye watering amount for parking, it was free and convenient for her.

How is it going OP? I've just started a thread similar to this. I can't do it anymore

Me too. I’m drowning with my parents. I can’t cope anymore, I’m not their carer. I have a full time job and 4 young children. But the guilt they are landing on me, as an only child, is untenable. The ‘you don’t do enough to help us’ ( I do!) and the ‘well if we’re dead next time you come don’t be surprised’ comments are too much 😢

Same here! This week I have been threatened, shouted at, told I’m not doing enough, hung up on, told what to do and when and told my grief at losing my other parent is irrelevant.

no suggestions for help, cleaning, care, medical support have been accepted.

I am beyond done and feeling hurt and angry. I just want to walk away.

Same here, DM mid 70's is always the victim, won't take responsibility for her health, blames others including me for everything and slags me off to the neighbours / friends, treated me dreadfully when I was younger and now expects to offload with numerous sobbing phone calls each week. Meanwhile I'm supposed to deal with everyone else's shit at work as well. Nobody asks me how I am. Had enough of it all.

This could be me writing this!

Absolutely feel your pain. Sending you hugs. I am done after this weekend. I can’t take anymore. My mother has ended up in hospital and It is truly awful, but I’m glad. She’s safe. All my dad has done is ring me today saying itS my fault as I’ve done nothing for them Im done too

I feel for all of you going through this. You need a break and a block button. Clearly it is not your fault! Why do some elderly become so utterly selfish and self centred

.... hopes my DC never end up writing something like this about me.........

I think many elderly people who are like this were always selfish and unpleasant in many ways, and it's just a worsening of those traits.

All you can do is decide what you actually can do or think you should do, and how exactly YOU want to do that, and then stick rigidly to that.

To my mind, if someone is no longer capable (or chooses not to) do certain key things and is expecting someone else to do them, then they lose the right to dictate how/what/when things are done. So set up your own new regime or way of doing things (or not doing them) whether that is food shopping, transport to appointments, phone calls for prescriptions etc - then you stick religiously to that with no other options on the table - any objections always met with 'that wouldn't work for us' and repeat ad infinitum. And with the emotional blackmail, complaints, nastiness etc - just bluntly label it as that, and keep repeating it's not nice behaviour, and then walk away from it.

And at the point when someone is expecting you to provide free care, transport etc, it's not unreasonable to insist on looking into their own bank balance - we were pretty annoyed to find out how much we'd been doing for free for a long time because she 'couldn't afford it' and then we found out that she absolutely could. And in a mortgage-free home, even the state pension goes quite a long way towards taxi accounts and a few hours of carers each week, when someone is no longer going out anywhere.

Oh and I don't think you need to worry! My MIL would never have written a message like this in a hundred years...

@SquirrelsHide that is just the advice I need today! Thank you.

I feel mean saying no. I also don’t want to ruin relationships with grandchildren as well. You’re right, of course, my parent was always selfish and age and isolation is exacerbating this.

Both my parents are now in hospital! On the same ward, but different bays! Dad had a fall in the garden and ended up being heard by the neighbours. Mum has delirium and thinks Kerry Katona is on the bed opposite her. Time hasn’t been kind to Kerry if so! 😨
thank you everyone for your support and to all going through the same- I feel your angst x