My mum isn't that old, only 79, but over the last 6 months she has grown very frail and vague. She had a few weeks in hospital with pneumonia and a blood clot and rather than go straight back to her new retirement flat we agreed she would have 2/3 weeks respite care in a care home to build up her strength. She has stayed there before and says she likes it there.
When I was unpacking her stuff from the hospital I found her toiletry bag was unsealed. In the whole time she was there she didn't brush her teeth once. I also found out that she only had one shower the whole time she was there and that was only because a nurse pretty much forced her.
I spoke to Mum about this and said I was going to ask the care home staff to help her brush her teeth/wash. I said that unless she could carry out basic personal care she wouldn't be able to go back to the flat. She reluctantly agreed. The care home rang me earlier to say they have tried several times over the last 24 hours but she is adamantly refusing to get out of bed to do these things. She also refuses to walk any further than her en suite despite the physio at the hospital telling her she needs to practice with her frame and walking stick.
I don't know what to do. We can't physically force her to wash but she can't stay dirty. A bath or shower once or twice a week is not an unreasonable demand.
She is keen to get back to her flat and resume independent living but she doesn't clean the flat or cook. She bulk buys food and then won't eat it but stores it until it goes off. Her BMI is 15.1 so its not surprising she is weak and lethargic and has low energy. She lies in bed all day in the dark watching tv. When I visit she is pleased to see me for 2 minutes and then dismisses me because I have opened the curtains. I think she has given up in life and just wants to die but there is nothing physically wrong with her. She's also been tested for dementia so it's not that.
I'm seriously considering whether she will ever be able to go back to independent living. We will pay helpers if she does (she is well off, there is no shortage of money). But they will only be a couple of hours a day.
She told social services at the hospital that I would do all her housework, shopping, cooking and personal care. Luckily her brother was there at the time and was able to put them right on that. I live near her and have always popped in and out to help out but I'm not available or willing to be her main career. I have employed cleaners to help her before but she refuses to let them in and I think we would have the same issues with carers. Even if we gave them access via a key safe I think she would be so vile to them they would quit.
I'm getting desperate. I'm only 60. I took early retirement during lockdown and was excited to start seeing the world and enjoying myself but my world is shrinking to a route between my house and wherever she happens to be staying.
Before anyone says she is your mum, I wish I still had my mum with me to take care of her please bear in mind that not all mums are benign, loving women. My mum was a violent and manipulative bully and made my childhood and those of my siblings hell. There is a reason why the others all live far, far away. She isn't violent anymore but she's still a very unpleasant woman. I'm doing my best to help her because I'm sorry for her (and fear, obligation and guilt of course). I want her to have as comfortable and happy an old age as possible but not at the expense of my middle age.
Sorry to rant. This is long. But I'd be grateful if anyone who has been through similar could share their experiences - good or bad.