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Elderly parents
Original poster

What do to with difficult step dad

30 replies

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 30/03/2022 18:47

Mum died last year. Step dad made life miserable when I was growing up (heavy drinker, explosive rages, selfish behaviour, etc). Whenever there was a blow up, mum always took his side in the end, which caused some major rifts between us. Since she died he has been leaning heavily on me. I have continued to notice things that really bother me - he talks at length to other people about their lives, but never asks me about mine, when he is stressed or anxious he is poisonous to me, finding endless things to criticize and put down. If he does praise me, it is because I do so much for him and he could not cope without me. I have walked out a few times when he has been particularly bad and that does seem to have decreased the verbal snipes.

I was supposed to go on a longed for holiday but had a problem and had to change plans at the last minute. I organized a week away by myself so I could have a total break, then offered to take him to a UK cottage for the second week. Ended up booking something more expensive than I would have otherwise because of his needs. He was not happy from the minute we got there, and after I overslept a few mornings (he gets up really early and goes to bed early, I am a late person and took some medication because I was ill which made me sleep later than usual) he had a tantrum and wanted to go home. I tried to talk to him and point out we still had time to go to the beach for a nice walk - but he dug in and finally said if I would not take him home, he would refuse to go anywhere for the rest of the week and would stay home reading til it was time to leave. As he had the car keys it would be a toss up if he would let me use it. So I ended up packing up at lunchtime on my third day there and driving 5 hours home while feeling ill.

I am furious. He has called me today like nothing happened but I just cannot get over this. I know he is selfish and self centred but this just seems to be an extreme level. I do not know what I want to do next. I can't in good conscience walk away from him totally. But I feel like I want to really cut back on how much I see him and what I do. With anyone else I would have a conversation about why I am not happy, but his ability to have a rational conversation is really poor, he just gets angry and starts shouting. At the same time I feel guilty for not helping him with stuff. What would you do?

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 30/03/2022 18:55

Get some counselling to work out why you are spending a second of your life on appeasing this 'man'.

Ilikewinter · 30/03/2022 19:04

What would I do.....Id walk away and not look back. I assume he doesnt have any other family?

MintJulia · 30/03/2022 19:06

If you want to maintain a relationship with a selfish bad tempered old man, you need to set some very rigid boundaries, and learn to say no, a lot.

Trulyweird1 · 30/03/2022 19:08

I would leave him to his own devices. It doesn’t sound like he has done anything in the past to warrant your help.

When he complains, just be clear with him - he treats you with respect, or you ignore him.

User0ne · 30/03/2022 19:20

What exactly are you getting front his relationship?

Abuse? Extra work? Insults?

I know what I would do

Suzi888 · 30/03/2022 19:33

Honestly, I’d walk away….
But you don’t want to do that so, the only thing you can do is- lay down the law and mean it. The minute he starts you walk out and you make it crystal clear that’s what you’ll be doing from now on. You will probably find this hard to do but you HAVE to follow through with it.
Never take him on holiday again.
I don’t know how often you see him but I’d cut it back. Lie if you need to, you have another job whatever. He will need to pay someone for whatever jobs need doing or carers (contact adult social services /his GP, but I expect he will refuse).

Original poster
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 30/03/2022 19:35

Its duty really - he is an elderly man with no other support. And I am very grateful to him for how he nursed my mum through the last few years of her life. So I am not ready to go NC with him although that is a possibility if he does not stop being a jerk. He has improved in a lot of ways. I dont think I need counselling, I am clear on my boundaries with him and as I said, have walked away several times when he overstepped the mark. This is the biggest bad event though, and I am just not sure what I want to do going forward.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 30/03/2022 19:39

Why on earth are you inviting him on holiday?

It’s not your responsibility. He nursed your mother because he was her husband and that was his choice.

I would be speaking to social services about care/the way forward, making it very clear that I was not available.

Fantina · 30/03/2022 19:40

How old is he? And do you/he have anyone else that can support him? I think I would go low contact rather than no contact if you don’t want to cut him out completely.

user1498572889 · 30/03/2022 19:40

Tell him if he keeps being an areshole you won’t bother seeing him again.

Szyz2020 · 30/03/2022 19:44

What an awful man. You are a saint to put up with him - take care you don’t turn into a martyr though.

He looked after your mum and put her first, just as she put him first and ahead of your needs as a child. So I’d say that that debt is paid. He paid his debt to her. They both owe you really.

Honestly - I’d wipe the mental slate clean and walk away. Let social services know they have a new client and let them take over. You owe him nothing.

Etinoxaurus · 30/03/2022 19:45

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers
“I am clear on my boundaries with him”
But you’re not.

Original poster
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 30/03/2022 19:50

in what way, @Etinoxaurus? I tell him when he is crossing lines, and walk away if he does not stop. I tell him when his behaviour is not acceptable?

OP posts:
M0m0aMmm · 31/03/2022 04:37

I suggest that you don't go on holiday together alone again

If you wish to go on holiday, join some sort of group, so that it is not just the 2 of you.

It is OK to put some boundaries in place for yourself

alexdgr8 · 31/03/2022 05:09

well it does seem bad planning on your part to go away to a cottage with this man.
just the two of you, stuck there, when you know how difficult he is, and clashing hours, late/early riser.
it would be testing for even a friendly relationship.
you should not be so involved with him.
you could ring age uk for advice.
good luck.

PermanentTemporary · 31/03/2022 06:34

Yes I would cut back. I get that you have a sense of duty to him. What are his actual needs? Is it more about practical stuff or is it company? I'm guessing that his most central need is company and that's what makes it so very difficult because he's not likeable.

I would give yourself a definite holiday from him now and have a think. Maybe 2 weeks? Do you think he can cope for that time?

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/03/2022 06:56

You have the patience of a saint OP.

What a shame you curtailed your holiday. I wouldve said "ok then" when he threatened to spend the rest of the time reading and gone out.

I don't think you have to cut him off but he's not your father and he's not even that nice. So I would scale it right back, perhaps a weekly visit and a welfare check in telephone call now and then but certainly no more holidays or extended visits.

M0m0aMmm · 31/03/2022 07:02

I sometimes go on holiday with other people
I know that they like certain things & dislike other things
I feel that I do most of the compromising
It is a pity that you didn't enjoy your time together

However, please hold your head high, because you tried & made the effort.

In future how about a few spaced out day trips instead. Or a visit to theatre, cinema, event where there are other people.

BeryltheMenaceneePeril · 31/03/2022 07:08

He is controlling you and you are letting him.
Does he have any other family? If so, why are they not helping you to help him?
Does he have any friends? If not, why not?
You are an adult now. Take control.

Coffeetree · 31/03/2022 07:08

As kindly as possible I suggest you get some counselling to find out why you are going out of your way to be abused by someone you have absolutely no relationship to.

God, if my dad passed away I'd probably never see or talk to his wife again and she's far more benign than this guy.

frazzledasarock · 31/03/2022 07:15

He is abusive to you.

He’s not anything to do with you, he mistreated you as a child and continues the abuse into your adulthood. You owe him nothing.

He nursed your mother his wife. Not as a favour to you, but because she was his wife and they were both abusive to you as a child (and probably adult if current behaviour towards you is any indication).

What do you get out of this relationship?

And you have no boundaries, you do exactly as he wants because that’s how you’ve been trained from as a child to appease him.

I’d get counselling for yourself.

Coffeetree · 31/03/2022 07:16

Okay, just read your update. He nursed your mum when she was unwell. He also was an abusive drunk who made her and your life miserable. He continues to abuse you and your response is to invite him on holidays. Yes, you'd benefit from counselling and a break from him.

ChaToilLeam · 31/03/2022 07:22

You say you have boundaries but they are so very, very low. You don’t have to put up with this man’s abusive behaviour a minute longer than you want to. He was brought into your life by your mother, you had no choice in that. And if he has nobody else - why do you think that is?

I get that you don’t want to abandon an elderly man, but he continues to abuse and control you, he made the holiday a misery and pushed you into driving when you were unwell. What good did your boundaries do there? He is an arse.

MysterOfWomanY · 31/03/2022 13:13

OP, step back for a bit and think of someone you know, decent, level headed, even tempered, not a martyr - perhaps one of the better middle managers at work.
Imagine what they would do if he was their stepfather.
They would probably keep an eye out for him as though he were an elderly neighbour but it would stop there.
My take - beyond what's needed to ensure he doesn't get found mummified in his house with six months' post on the doormat, leave him alone, apart from those rare scenarios where he behaves well and you are both happy. Drop everything else.
It is basically what you do with toddlers or animals - keep them fed, reward the good stuff, walk away from bad behaviour.

AnnaMagnani · 31/03/2022 19:44

I think you have no boundaries with him at all.

He was a bad husband to your mum (bar a short period at the end of her life) but he was her choice. Your mum was also abusive to you by choosing him over you.

You long for a holiday and then for mysterious reasons decide to invite a man who made your mum's and your life miserable. Unsurprisingly, he then ruins your holiday.

You wonder why he did this and why he isn't apologetic.

I honestly can't see this as having boundaries. More that you say 'if you do that I will be hurt', he does whatever that is, you get hurt, you are upset because you specifically told him it would be hurtful and you repeat the cycle over and over again.

Get the counselling, you have a lot to unpack and leave him alone.

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