Costs and elderly parents

[HariboMuncher]

This is a really awkward one but I'm asking here because I'm hoping I'll get some advice.

My DP have been retired for 20 years and in that time have had several big inheritances from family members, which they've spent on holidays and a bit on their house and not given their kids or grandkids anything, this didn't bother me as it was their money.

In the last 18 months DF has become badly ill on several occasions - we've had two "end of life" situations where he recovered and another one where he was taken ill suddenly and DS and I had to visit DM and stay over in a hotel because of covid, and a lengthy stay in hospital where I did window visits when I could. DF has deteriorated quite badly and spends most of his time sleeping and is immobile.

They stay quite rurally and so it costs a fair bit to travel there. DM fully expects us to be there in an emergency and complains we don't visit enough.

There's a human side to this which is obviously very hard for everyone. But at the same time I'm getting increasingly resentful at spending a lot on expenses to support DM but she seems to take it all for granted.

I was happy to do it at first but what really grated on me was when I'd spent a lot of time visiting when DF got home from hospital, bringing them food because he was underweight when he came out, and DM gave my two kids £5 each for holiday money while admitting it "wasn't very much".

DM has also been really stingy with other relatives who she paid a pittance to for travelling down there and doing work around the house.

DM recently announced she was donating hundreds of pounds worth of mobility equipment to charity rather than selling it because she "couldn't be bothered" and will spend on other items, and is gearing up for another long haul holiday when DF dies, so she will spend on other stuff. They get a good state care package.

We're reasonably fortunate but have had to make cutbacks because of general price rises.

Do we just continue to suck it up? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you resolve it?

No sure how they get "a good State care package" unless it's that special funding if you have extreme nursing needs?

Everyone will say it's not their job to help you with expenses but of course it would be nice if they did, or for example, funded savings accounts for your children.

You could gently explain that you would visit more if you could afford it, that's true?

if that's true?

Yep, they do get good funding as my DF has a lot of nursing needs, including frequent personal care visits and day respite funding.

When DD was born I said to DM that we were setting up a savings account and paying monthly into it and she sneered and told us DD would just spend it all on her boyfriend when she was 18. So I don't think there's much chance of her doing something like that. She's also told my sibling that she thinks her kids will just waste money (there's absolutely no justification for this).

I'm really wary about saying we'd visit more if we could afford it as it will be interpreted as a "pay per view" demand because it isn't, it just that she always wants more support than I can give and complains constantly, and ignoring how much we spend on travelling costs and buying bits for them is part of that (I've cut back both on visits and treats)..

I did once try to gently point out that it was costing us a lot to travel back and forth a lot but she just started talking over me.

OP "DM recently announced she was donating hundreds of pounds worth of mobility equipment to charity rather than selling it because she "couldn't be bothered" and will spend on other items, and is gearing up for another long haul holiday when DF dies, so she will spend on other stuff. They get a good state care package."

I would point this all out bluntly.

I can't say I've been in your situation. I'm shocked by it. My father was trying to give me money for extra bus fares when he was dying. Now I have access to mum's account so anything I buy for her, food etc, she expects me to pay with that and if I'm in the shops with that card, she tells me to buy whatever food I need.

Every family runs money differently but it can't be right for people to incur costs to help her out while she saves for her next holiday.

I’m not sure if it’s the case with your parents but older people can lose touch with current costs or have no clue about the costs of things their partner took care of. Case in point, my parent offers money for taxi’s when a sibling visits a couple of times a year. I drive some distance every week in a car that runs on fresh air, gifted by the dealer, with insurance and tax funded by the fairies. I have to be forceful when it comes to gifts for people who have really gone out of their way to help them too. They worry about money and have known hard times so that, mixed with being out of touch with current prices and not understanding their own financial situation, is an unfortunate mix.

Yes, don't say that you'd visit more if you could afford it/they would pay for it, just say it's too expensive. Or more positively, 'we're so lucky these days to have video calls, who'd have thought it! So lucky that we can see each other without all the trouble and expense of travelling. Goodness me you do live in the middle of nowhere Mum, I suppose you like it.' Offer to look into taxis for them for journeys they expect you to help with. Write them letters.

It costs a LOT to travel to visit my Mum and I'm afraid we pay for some of it out of her bank account. But she is also the sort who used to try to press tenners into my hand to pay for fuel for me to see her years ago. She had zero money when married to my Dad and she knows what it's like to try and raise kids on not a lot.

If you live a distance from your relatives, it does cost money to visit, but it also costs in time, effort, emotionally & physically. Yes, I do sympathise

What can you do ?

You can try to enlist their friends, other family members to help who live locally or who are able to visit

You or they can pay for cleaner, carers or visitors

You can phone, Skype, write

Move closer ?

However, you need to protect your own life too, so there needs to be a balance

I think sometimes, elderly people see things from their perspective & they forget that other people work, have families, hobbies etc

I've thought about this too OP. My mum owns her own home, has thousands in the bank, has been retired 25 years and spent most of her retirement travelling the world on expensive holidays.

She worked hard before that, was a single parent and we were poor when I was growing up.

She deserved that retirement.

All her assets will now be consumed by her care needs however and she doesn't want to pay. I set up POA to be able to help her as her dementia progressed, she was reluctant for years to do it and accused me several times of trying to get her money. She objected to it at the final hurdle so it was not set up (after I'd paid nearly £200 of my own money to set it up)

I've never wanted her money but just like you OP I don't see why I am now expected to subsidise her and damage my own retirement prospects whilst she has plenty of money herself.

Every time she says she needs something I say "get your card and I will order it on your behalf".

oh dear i know exactly how you feel. i'm similar situation so cannot advise.
i just try and count my blessings and try to help my own children out when i can

I think you need to simply say things like. I won't be able to come up for that as it is too expensive unfortunately. Would you like me to book a taxi for you etc? She needs to be told that it costs money. She can then choose.

We ended up having another round of DF being in hospital. DM wanted me there and so I had to go in hospital in the very early hours in a cab.

A few days afterwards I sat down with her and explained it wasn't really feasible to keep spending from our household budgets when she wanted support. She initially said we should just ask her at the time but I said that wouldn't work so she transferred some funds to me and my sister - she claimed she hadn't realised we'd ever had to stay in hotels (she'd met up with us in one because of covid rules!) and that she "always tried to balance things out". She does know how much things cost, she had a holiday when DF was in respite recently.

DF has been in and out of hospital a couple of times recently and she's insisting on caring for him at home and that he's going to get better, even although he's clearly near the end and if he does ever get out of hospital he's going to need residential care. Her default mechanism when she can't cope is to demand either me or my sibling rush down and see her and starts crying if we can't.

I know it's hard for her but it's so draining, last time he was really ill I ended up sick myself because I was so stressed, then DS started having behavioural problems and self harming, so I'm doing what I can do have better boundaries this time.

My mum and dad had a Medicash package which paid out a small amount when they were in hospital. I had a discussion once with my mum when she’d claimed on it that it was to cover out of pocket expenses incurred while they were in hospital which had fallen to me (visits to drop stuff off, extra washing, buying personal care items etc) and not a bonus for them to spend on a meal out when they were better. To be fair she did then hand it over!

@ohamireally I can see this turning into me and sibling being after her money too, sadly. Although I realised today she'd actually spent less on my daughter's birthday present than the last emergency hospital visit. At least I raised it with her before now... the last time she saw DD she gave her a pound shop money box with 27p in it!

I would show her the costs -
'to get a cab costs xx. To stay in a b&b costs xx.'
As for her giving away medical goods, it is ridiculous. I totally feel for you. 🥺💕