tips for managing boundaries when "low contact" parent goes into care home

[Tista]

Am not close to my mother but have just done as she wanted and sold her house and moved her into a care home of her choice. She wont like it (she has form of about 20 moves, last one three years ago didnt tell us!!), and am expecting a wailing onslaught of misery.

Until the last year I was low contact - and she wasnt interested or close. Now she has no one, I am the focus of everything.

She has anxiety, beginnings of dementia (not diagnosed) and is generally impossible.

I've foolishly seen her moving into a care home as an end to the five phone calls a day and worry. Its much better, but still get the tears and phone calls etc.

Anyone got any practical and emotional tips to help deal with this? I cant cant cant handle lots of calls and crying all the time. I've had it every day for a year and its affecting me and my family.

i'm thinking of changing my number so at least I dont have to deal with calls in the day or weekends. (Use mine for work and life so cant just turn it off).

I cant easily fix a set time to go in - self employed and building up work plus have a young kid.

I want to be gentle and empathic - but its like the history of how difficult (think stately homes thread) she is means there is no goodwill left. aaaargh!

I'm so sorry, @Tista.

A separate PAYG phone number might be a good idea –so you only turn it on at certain times.

And clear boundaries / expectations set with both her and the care home (I'll visit X amount, on these days, and no more).

Are you an only child or are there siblings?

@fromagreatheight

I'm so sorry, *@Tista*.

A separate PAYG phone number might be a good idea –so you only turn it on at certain times.

And clear boundaries / expectations set with both her and the care home (I'll visit X amount, on these days, and no more).

Are you an only child or are there siblings?

All of this.

Don't feel guilty about her when you're not speaking to her. You're doing the best you can and probably more than she deserves from the sound of it.

I'm a nurse in a nursing. Home and we have been asked by a family me never to take there mums phone of them at 10pm
As she was phoning during the night several times . We were told to tell her it's getting charged which it does . The women has early onset dementia and her sons have legal advocacy . Don't know if something you could discuss with the nursing home . It is a very difficult situation

I'd agree with the previous poster - ask the care home staff to take the phone off her at night , tell her that it's expensive to call at night.

For the daytime calls, I'd simply answer once per day at your own convenience. The rest of the time, don't answer and tell her you can't take calls at work,

Sometimes you have to tell a few little lies to keep your own sanity. I speak as one who went through it myself. Good luck .

Separate "burner" phone programmed with your number. Then block her number on your other phone(s). Leave the burner phone on silent and only turn it on when you want to. It's a godsend.

Very belated thanks everyone! I did read just not had five minutes. Phone it is - just had a call at 9pm on a Friday demanding food be delivered tomorrow. ! I’ve already got a work phone quite liking idea of having 3 phones, I can pretend to be a gangster ! Any other tips be welcome too/ taking a while to get used to not having to do everything- that’s what the home are for.

If one of your phones is a fairly recent iphone they have dual phone number capability using an esim. I havent used as I didnt want my own phone encrypted by my work so i carry two phones, but if I needed a 3rd number I would look into it to see if you can have one number on do not disturb.

@Tista

Very belated thanks everyone! I did read just not had five minutes. Phone it is - just had a call at 9pm on a Friday demanding food be delivered tomorrow. ! I’ve already got a work phone quite liking idea of having 3 phones, I can pretend to be a gangster ! Any other tips be welcome too/ taking a while to get used to not having to do everything- that’s what the home are for.

You do know you can just not actually answer your phone don’t you? Put it on voicemail when you are unavailable.

Er yes! I do let it go to voicemail but It’s just very disruptive and unsettling to have lots of calls/ then messages to Wade through. Doesn’t work for me and clearly not others.

@WeAllHaveWings

If one of your phones is a fairly recent iphone they have dual phone number capability using an esim. I havent used as I didnt want my own phone encrypted by my work so i carry two phones, but if I needed a 3rd number I would look into it to see if you can have one number on do not disturb.

Thanks that’s helpful

Just wanted to follow this up in case it’s useful for others. If you have an iPhone ( might work on others), block the number. The relative can still leave messages, they are clearly labelled so you can pick if you want to listen and when. Honestly has saved my mental health.

@Tista I do this to my relative. I will only take one call a day, so I unblock the number every evening and when I've had the call reblock it. It gives me some control. Was getting 20 plus calls a day and all through the night until this was done