This isn't normal/rational behaviour is it?

[Cocycola]

My parents are in their 80s, both complus mentus (or however you spell it) to my knowledge, but are being very stubborn.

My dad's mobility is quite bad, he walks with one stick but visibly needs more walking aids. He is very unsteady, struggles with stepping up and down from kerbs, on uneven terrain, or slopes. He will not entertain using 2 walking sticks, or a walking frame. Or should I say, my mum won't. She is the boss and he does whatever she says. Unfortunately she lives her life by what people think. When hebhas two hands on walking support he is very steady. They don't go on coach tour holidays anymore because of my dad's mobility, when all he really needs is more walking aids, and he'd be fine. Same with other thing, they choose to isolate themselves over refusal to use more walking support

He still drives (safely, I have been in the car with him many times and closely monitored it, but so far seems fine driving) and it is his only means of getting around as he can't walk up or down the street as the house is between 2 hills. No forward planning has been done for when he stops driving. They refuse taxis and wont let me do shopping deliveries.

Here is the thing....
Any time they go anywhere, my mum gets worked up about parking spaces, saying my dad can't walk, analysing it all weeks before they go. She whines constantly and creates a drama any time they even go to a shop or an appointment.

Yesterday we were going to the funeral of a family friend. I don't drive so planned to meet them there. Apparently 'I couldn't turn up to a funeral in a taxi' (even though several people did) so my mum suggested I go with them which I did. Before leaving their house, my mum started going on about the parking at the crematorium, and said 'if we can't get a space, we'll just need to not go intonthe service, I am sure her husband and daughter will understand'.

I was shocked, one thing isolating yourself, but now missing a close friend's funeral all because they won't have my dad walking with a frame or 2 sticks. Surely this isn't rational? As it happened, he got a parking space at the door and went in, but am I the only one who thinks this isn't right?

Thanks for reading, sorry for lengthy post.

Its not rational, but it is all too normal I'm afraid. My MIL wasted the last 3 years of her life as she and FIL were dead set against her having a mobility scooter because she 'wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet' when she could only walk 10m at a time. By the time she decided that actually going out would be nice, she was too ill to use it. Equally, she was arguing the toss about having a bed downstairs 3 days before she died after it was revealed it took her 45 minutes to get up to bed and had done for a year.
My dad fought against a scooter, but once he had one he told everyone they should get one as it transformed his life. He was like some sort of poster boy for it even though his driving left a lot to be desired

It doesn’t seem rational but lots of people refuse aids, for example hearing aids because they see them as for old, deaf people & they aren’t, walkers because they don’t want to feel they aren’t as young and mobile as they were, carers because they don’t want to admit they are struggling…

Does your dad have a blue badge? That could help with the issue of worry over the parking.

I’m guessing they wouldn’t take kindly to an assessment of their needs? It’s difficult, I imagine it will only get more difficult for you op.

OP it’s compos mentis

@CMOTDibbler

Its not rational, but it is all too normal I'm afraid. My MIL wasted the last 3 years of her life as she and FIL were dead set against her having a mobility scooter because she 'wasn't ready for that sort of thing yet' when she could only walk 10m at a time. By the time she decided that actually going out would be nice, she was too ill to use it. Equally, she was arguing the toss about having a bed downstairs 3 days before she died after it was revealed it took her 45 minutes to get up to bed and had done for a year. My dad fought against a scooter, but once he had one he told everyone they should get one as it transformed his life. He was like some sort of poster boy for it even though his driving left a lot to be desired

That is such a shame your MIL missed out on these years because she wouldn't use a scooter. The 'not needing it yet' rings a bell as that's exactly what I get from my parents about my dad. I am glad your dad got independence from using one, sounds like he really took to it.

@Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes

It doesn’t seem rational but lots of people refuse aids, for example hearing aids because they see them as for old, deaf people & they aren’t, walkers because they don’t want to feel they aren’t as young and mobile as they were, carers because they don’t want to admit they are struggling…

Does your dad have a blue badge? That could help with the issue of worry over the parking.

I’m guessing they wouldn’t take kindly to an assessment of their needs? It’s difficult, I imagine it will only get more difficult for you op.

Yes he has a blue badge which helps a lot, but doesn't stop the panicking about getting a space.

You are totally right, they won't take well to an assessment, although they do need it. They would refuse it and claim they are fine.

It’s not rational - obviously - but I agree it IS very normal.
Several family members refused hearing and mobility aids for much longer than needed.
Good luck persuading them that quality of life is much improved when they admit help is beneficial… wish I had some helpful suggestions

Another vote for a blue badge.

And if you are being nice and soothing and understanding about DMs attitude, stop. Start being brutally honest. Our best breakthrough with MIL was when she was talking about money saying "But MIL you are not managing, are you? You can't do this without our help can you?"

Applying for the blue badge will help - there are lots of questions like "how far can you walk without stopping" and you can get him to demonstrate.

Alternatively you can sit back and wait for the crisis - he'll start falling; then he will fall and not be able to get up; then he will fall and hurt himself. Somewhere along that path she may wake up and smell the coffee.

I feel your pain. My mother is 91
She still drives in daylight to Avery few places. She is losing confidence though and wouldn't drive, for instance, to the local cream. She has always been a very social person and if course these days one or other of her many friends and neighbours frequently dies which is to be expected. Too many for my DH to be always available to take her and I won't do that drive as my own driving confidence is low. Will she get a taxi though?!! No way!!! She can afford it and we have explained again and again that the Attendance Allowance she now gets is
available to help pay for things which make her life easier. Often anearby friend needs to go as well so it would be a split cost, but no, if we can't take her she would rather not go. We now only take her if we aren't going ourselves, if it isn't going to tie up our whole day. Strangely, now we are not guilt tripped she is deciding that the odd taxi isn't a bad idea 🤔😃