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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Coming Home to Die

39 replies

Solasum · 24/03/2022 21:38

It looks like my elderly father has reached the end of the road treatment wise, and so within a few days we are anticipating that he will be discharged home to let nature take its course, which is estimated will take around 5 days.

Any guidance from anyone who has gone before would be greatly appreciated. Anything we might need/benefit from? Anything we should be thinking about?

We are told that the end of life nursing round him is very good, and will sort painkillers etc.

OP posts:

freshcarnation · 14/04/2022 13:11

My one bit of advice is make sure he has a visit from the GP when he's in his last days/hours. It massively helps the admin after death. The district nurses told me it was time for a visit from the GP, he visited and mum died 2 hours later.

Original poster

Solasum · 14/04/2022 18:30

@freshcarnation thank you. yes, the district nurse has mentioned this will be necessary. I had no idea.

He has been telling us things we have never heard before about his life.

OP posts:

Fluffythefish · 16/04/2022 11:49

I spent 5 days with my terminally ill mum in her home as she was dying 3 weeks ago. My dad is a frail 90 so I needed to care for him as well. What I loved was having her downstairs so we could make dying part of our every day life. We would sit and talk with her and also move to the other end of the living/dining room to eat and watch tv sometimes. It made it feel very natural. The District Nurses and end of life team were amazing. They were as interested in how we were as how mum was doing and gave brilliant hugs. it also felt like a last special gift I could give to my mother. it was demanding but I am so glad I was able to sit with her for these last few days. I didn't have to do any physical nursing thanks to mum's illness - just offer food (whilst she was still eating) water and time.
But what I hadn't expected was how lonely it was. Dad didn't find it comfortable physically or emotionally to sit with mum for long so it was mostly just me. I had a camp bed downstairs so was there when mum called in the night - apart from the penultimate night when we had a night sitter which was awesome. And gave me the rest needed for the last night. mum died in the early hours of the morning so I was up for over 24 hours, which I couldn't have done without the 7 hours unbroken sleep the night before. Apart from mum's last hour, that last night I was on my own with her - I sensed that she was coming near the end and was sat up with her - and the last few hours were not easy. Sometimes when a body is shutting down, although a person is not in pain they can be quite noisy and I found that hard going on my own. You may not know when the end is coming but it helps to have more than one person there I think, for the sake of the living as much as the dying.
It took a while for the nurses to come to declare the death and by that time it was dawn and the birds were singing which was absolutely lovely. They spoke to her, tidied her up and seeing the care they gave was really beautiful.
it did take almost 3 weeks for them to come for the hospital bed and I am very glad there was space in the garage for it. I think it would have been unbearable to look at it all that time

Original poster

Solasum · 17/04/2022 06:40

@Fluffythefish thank you very much for this. I am so sorry for your loss. The birds singing at dawn is a beautiful image.

OP posts:

pinguwings · 17/04/2022 17:05

OP - has your Dad been referred to the hospice? They will have a community team who can offer practical advice at the very least. Has he got a diagnosis?

I've worked in palliative care for a long time and my best advice is to take each day as it comes. Timelines change. Symptoms change. Needs change. There's never a straight line to follow.

Roselilly36 · 17/04/2022 17:22

Handhold OP, it’s an awful time, you will get through it though, it’s not easy I know.

Original poster

Solasum · 10/05/2022 13:57

Time stretched out, and it is only now that we are at the death bed situation.

we are gathered at my father’s bedside. I have only been here 3 hours and already it feels like a lifetime.

OP posts:

Notthesportytype · 10/05/2022 14:03

Solasum · 10/05/2022 13:57

Time stretched out, and it is only now that we are at the death bed situation.

we are gathered at my father’s bedside. I have only been here 3 hours and already it feels like a lifetime.

Love, peace and strength to you.

goingpearshaped · 10/05/2022 14:07

Sending love to you op today and to your family.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 10/05/2022 14:53

Lots of love to you all. xx Allow yourself to go slowly and don't feel you have to rush to get everything sorted.

millytint44 · 10/05/2022 21:39

Sending you much love and peace at this time OP. Great advice in this thread. 🙏

Original poster

Solasum · 11/05/2022 18:49

Thank you for the wisdom and kindness in this thread. My father died this morning peacefully at home with his family around him.

I listened to all the things above, and as a result I was much better prepared than I would otherwise have been. I am in awe of the district nurses, and all they do, on minimal budgets and with woeful staffing levels. Thank you all 💐

OP posts:

EATmum · 11/05/2022 19:23

Take care of yourself Solasum. I'm less than three months from the death of my lovely mum, and find the grief such a weight some days. Whatever you need to do next, make taking care of you a priority.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 11/05/2022 20:01

I'm sorry. Take care of yourself and those you love.

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