Caring for parent

[Whatinthelord]

My father is my mothers full time carer. She has very limited mobility and needs support eating (getting food ready but can feed herself) toileting (needs full support) and moving about (cannot get to standing or transfer alone). She is very large with little strength and so moving her is hard. We have a wheel chair and similar but no hoists (though I think she needs them).

Anyhow, I’ve been trying to convince them to ask social care for home care support to both ease the burden on my dad and as a back up in case he ever hurts himself and can’t care for her. Dad said he made a referral but hasn’t heard yet….I suspect he is lying and in fact hasn’t referred…he’s lied about several things previously.

Anyway this weekend he’s is due to be out all day for an activity that has been rearranged from the first COVID lockdown (when mum was more mobile). He’s made no mention to me of caring for mum and seems to be assuming I will care for mum all day. I specifically haven’t instigated conversation about it as I was waiting to see if/when he would plan her care for Saturday. Never the less I have kept the day free as we have no one else who cares for her.

2 queries I would appreciate support with…

1. I will try to care for mum on Saturday. However due to her size and weakness I think there is a good chance I might struggle. Previously she fell to the floor when I was with her and I couldn’t get her up. Who do I call if she falls and I can’t get her up (no other family nearby). 101? Ambulance?

2. part of me is hoping something will go wrong that requires a call out so my parents see they need care support. So that wider services are pushed to do more. Have others found that getting to crisis was what was needed before care support was accepted?

Any advice generally about supporting parents who are aging but not seeking care support or proactive about making arrangements for their needs.

If she falls, call an ambulance. Some authorities have dedicated falls teams, but someone will come. Don't try to move her, just make sure she is comfortable (as much as she can be).
My parents have been through similar (my dad has Parkinson's) and had hardly any help which wasn't helped by covid restrictions. But you need to ask and push for involvement, and that's tricky if neither parent will admit to wanting it.
You could ask to have this moved to the elderly parents board, lots of people there with experience of this.

I'd say in 99.9% of cases, it takes a crisis before help is sought/accepted tbh. Certainly for my parents we went from crisis to crisis to increase things with the occasional acceptance when someone in authority told them they absolutely had to do something. The lying is also very normal I'm afraid.
The elderly parents board here was an absolute lifeline to me in the many years I was navigating this all. I couldn't have done it without the ladies over there

I’ll ask for it to be moved to the elderly parents board.

I suspected that a crisis will need to happen before care is accepted. Just reassuring to hear that, sadly, that is normal/common.

My dad has told me tonight he spoke to social care who will arrange an assessment. He sounded truthful (he’s always been a terrible liar). However I am concerned they’ll minimise things during an assessment and say they’re coping, when I know with ASC you need to be clear about the struggles and expressly demonstrate you need care.

It’s useful to know calling 999 is the right thing. Hopefully she won’t fall but if she does I’ll just call.

If you have to call 999, be aware that it will be a long wait. An elderly person on the floor, even with a broken hip, is not a priority compared with someone who will die without immediate attention.

At the moment, the best thing you can do is keep a diary if incidents, and don’t behave in away that they are relieved of responsibility for the results of their decisions. They have a right to refuse care, they have a right to make bad decisions. They don’t have a right to control other people’s actions