Dad being awful to his wife

[CatDogGuineaPig]

I don't have a great relationship with my Dad, it's fine on the surface but I haven't had much respect for him since my teens - he went out all the time, didn't support my Mum through awful bereavements, had affairs, left Mum with no money etc etc. They finally divorced when I was 19(*he would have been 45).

He's always been very immature, put his social life first, lots of music gigs, girlfriends etc. Basically living like a 20yr old throughout his 40s and 50s, as you can imagine fell on very hard times in his 50s/60s, went from working in marketing to door to door sales and delivery driving etc and long periods of unemployment,

He met and married his wife about 12 years ago - she was just out of a very abusive relationship and has huge alcohol issues. She was much younger than Dad (she's now 63 to his 76) attrative and had her own house. She has huge problems though and Dad has always looked down on her I think.

Stupidly they moved to a run down house rurally and recently took out a lifetime mortgage on it. As they have got older the problems you could have seen have got worse. Her drinking has made her heatkh and appearance really suffer - shes unrecognisable. Dad is angry, feels trapped buteverything has that has happened has been down to him. Every time he gets any money he buys an old car to do up or has a holiday. The house looks like Steptoe's yard and seems unsaleable. He spends all his time looking at houses - either in the UK or Spain but does nothing about moving. He has said he wants to leave his wife but she was devastated so they've gone back to normal.

Yesterday she called my brother, me (I was in a meeting) and eventually got my aunt saying that he shouts at her every evening and threw her dinner in the bin. She says it's awful but she doesn't want him to know that she called any of us. She doesn't want them to splt up, she just wants him to be different as she imagines he used to be (he's always been amazingly selfish, completely useless when things are going badly, but she didn't know that to start with).

I don't know where to start with it. I know it sounds awful but I really don't want either of them here - they both drink loads and Dad juts needs looking after socially all the time. Also I'm really close to my mum who lives alone and I'd rather spend my time on her! (plus we have DHs family to visit etc). Dad lives 2 hours drive away so not easy to pop round except at the weekend. I'm in a poisiton to be able to help financially - with rent or whatever but I also don't think I can bowl in and just take over. She has a sister nearby but seems reluctant to talk to her. I feel desperately sorry for her and find it really hard to knwo what my role is in this. My brother lives abroad - he feels pretty much the same as me although he's less impatient/ more tolerant of Dad than I am.

If I was you I would point this woman in the direction of a GP and possibly Woman’s Aid.

There is nothing you can do here at all.

These people are very damaged and at their time of life it is going to be hard to change that. (Though I accept it is possible)

Do not give money - they’ve had plenty over the years and not managed it well.

They are responsible for their own actions and it is not right or fair that they are making their issues yours.

I would stay as far away from all this as humanly possible. There is literally nothing you can do. As for giving them money, not a chance. You might as well burn it.

Thank you both so much, it's really helpful to see that from the outside. I texted her this morning to check she was ok and see if things look better this morning. No reply and I have just heard from my Aunt (who's my Dad's sister-in-law - his brother's wife) and she thinks they have gone to look at a house together. It's all a bit mad. My brother had ten missed calls from her yesterday while at work and without his phone, he thought Dad had had a heart attack.

Possibly they could sell the house at a property auction?

I read this and thought 'there's nothing you can do about this, and it was unfair to dump it on you'. They are adults, albeit damaged ones. Is it possible his wife was drunk when she was trying to make multiple calls to you? I think maybe stepping back a bit would be a good idea, as you risk being asked to be involved in stuff they should be sorting out for themselves. I think I would try to be available in cases of genuine emergency only. I'm not sure what your step mother expected you to do? Have a word with your dad and get him to be nicer? Doesn't really sound like a plan, sadly. Sorry, I'm sure this is hard to deal with

Thank you all - and Spongebob I think you're right. What did she expect me, my brother or my Aunt to do - especially as she was very insistent to my Aunt that she mustn't every tell him that she called us. I expect she was drunk, lost and sad. It does make me sad because she i a really nice person (honestly, nicer than Dad) but she does seem unable to help herself in lots of ways. I have stepped back and on the one hand I feel better for it, on the other just really guilty. X

but she does seem unable to help herself in lots of ways.

Sounds as though your Dad is abusive. He targeted her after coming out of an abusive relationship, love bombed her (which is what she is trying to get back to) and now that the love bombing has stopped he is simply beign abusive.

As to what you do - if you ignore that this is your father and think of it as if she was anyone else you know reaching out from an abusive relationship - what would you do?

You can't make her leave him - that has to come from her. But maybe point her in the right direction of help.

Also try not to get frustrated if she goes about leaving and then goes back - research shows it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. And also, leaving is the most dangerous time for them.

Your role in this is that you don’t have a role.
Neither of them are your responsibility