Is there anything I can do to help my DM?

[Guardsman18]

I'm not sure if there is really. Perhaps this should be in chat. I'm just wondering what you would do in my situation.

DF died almost four years ago and although DM missed/misses him dreadfully, she coped really well. DB and I did a lot of sorting things out - hospital appointments, shopping, hair appointments etc. Things were put in place by her - gardener, cleaner, meals delivered. DB did mainly the financial stuff. He's very methodical and has everything in files which is great. She has also said that she would like to stay in her home until death. I respect that.

Over the past few years, due to Covid, she has asked (hinted at first) that she doesn't think me or my DC's should go to her home. Eldest DC in particular is very hurt as he feels that they could chat in the garden rather than never seeing each other.

Things are now happening - falling over in the house - and I am not told about them until much later. She is getting very forgetful and frail and is relying on neighbours to contact my DB to get her up off the floor. DM rang me last week to 'casually' tell me about this fall and we had a chat about getting an alarm put in. All good. Rang a few companies. She now says that she doesn't want this, that she will ask my DB what he thinks (I have spoken to him and he agreed it would be a good idea.)

It's as if she doesn't want anything to do with me or my DC's any more. I do understand her fear of Covid. It's as if she's air brushing us out of her life. I probably sound very selfish but I feel that if someone wants to stay at home then plans must be put in place to enable this.

Whenever I suggest anything she just says that she'll speak to DB and whilst he does see her almost every day, he doesn't do any care as such. He hadn't realised that the reason we don't go there is because she asked us not to. I did ask him if he thought we just weren't bothering and he said that he hadn't thought about it!

There are other more frustrating things happening but I'll be here for ever if I carry on!

Is there anything I can do or do I have to just sit it out? I just feel so helpless.

This must be v hard. All I can say is elderlies often manipulate/ play off offspring to great upset.
First thing would be to make sure you spend time with your brother to find out how he is and make sure you have good communication, and appreciate all he is doing.
Your dm has capacity, and can make unwise choices.

Thanks for your answer. I am finding it hard. DB is out of bounds also but I do speak to him on the phone now and again.

That's interesting you saying about playing us off against each other. I have felt that but thought it might be the child in me coming in to play.

Does she allow anyone in the house? Wondering if it perhaps cluttered or dirty and she is embarrassed at the thought of anyone visiting, even in an emergency.

House is spotless. Cleaner lft's regularly and wears a mask and they were sitting in different rooms. I'm not sure if they still do this.

She does allow some people in occasionally and feels that that is ok because the room is large so that they're far away from each other.

I guess the issue she has with me is that my DC's work/go to college. She rang today and was crying because she misses us. She said she'd leave money outside if I could pick it up. Whilst money is very nice and so kind, I don't want her money, I want to help her arrange a better, more comfortable life.

I do understand her fear of Covid but worry about her being on her own for so long. DB saw her yesterday and will see her again tomorrow for a meal in the evening. I just don't think it's enough but she gets very defensive if I mention anything. It's as if I'm having a go at DB which I'm not. (I keep my thoughts to myself about the fact that she cooks a roast dinner each week and does his washing and ironing but has trouble walking. I try not to judge this strange world they seem to live in but it is difficult sometimes.)

I have offered to do her washing but have said that I'm not doing DB's as he's 64!

I know I sound bitter. Perhaps I am. I feel as if we've lost her already and she's only a mile away.

Would she tolerate an outdoor garden party in Sunshine. Is there a balcony, patio door or steps where she could sit to feel safe.

Maybe suggest a Mothers Day and jubilee garden party for the whole family?

She has a large garden and there are only 6 of us including her! She would have loved it when she was younger but not so much now.

Thank you though. This is the sort of thing we miss. It's as if she's gone but not gone if that makes sense.

I don't think there is anything I can do really is there? I can't force care on her.

My DF is still afraid of Covid and makes people stay away, yet the people he wants/needs, like when he wanted his boiler serviced, he lets in. It’s very frustrating, but any attempt by me to show that he’s got double standards, gets nowhere.

That's 'interesting' @GeneLovesJezebel. Yes, other people seem able to go there like the alarm man, boiler man, man who fixed the drains and kitchen sink.
Do you feel that something else is going on? I just don't really understand why she's pushing us away. My eldest DC is so hurt I know. He would have stood on the drive to just have a chat and swept it while he was doing so. I just can't quite put my finger on it but something doesn't feel right. I know it's not about my feelings (although I was/am upset for my DC's) but this can't continue surely?

The chemist has suggested she has some help with her medication as she's constantly ringing them and then rings me to pick things up which I leave outside. When I've suggested that we/I try a different method, her system works perfectly apparently. She told me today that she took all of her antibiotics in one go yesterday and was sick.

So she told DB that she wasn't feeling well and he said - you mustn't do that mum ... I just don't feel that is enough but anything I say is always - I'll speak to DB about it or DB is looking after things.

Sorry @GeneLovesJezebel, me again. Do you feel that you have to just let him get on with it?

Maybe she is scared of you seeing her and realising she is now a frail old lady? Pre Covid maybe she didn't feel like one. Or appear like one.
I have been nc with my dm for 10 years and I am sure she is secretly pleased I haven't seen her age.
Maybe just her coz she was always quite vain!

She certainly does like to pretend that things are fine. I ask her if she's spoken to someone - oh yes, they're marvellous etc and then when I see that person, they are not marvellous at all. she probably hasn't even spoken to them!

You could have a point - I'm more of a 'sort things out' person than my DB. Maybe she thinks it'll be care home for her. I am trying to put things in place so that that needn't happen. It's not my business probably, I'm just concerned.

Do you think she asks DB things because he is a man? And women (used to be) guided by their husbands or a man or were when she was young wife?

Maybe you will need to say something shocking such as "I don't want to never see you again Mum!" to make her think?

Do you think there maybe some dementia creeping in ?

They often manage to keep up appearances in their own little world, but struggle with anything different.

@Guardsman18

Sorry *@GeneLovesJezebel*, me again. Do you feel that you have to just let him get on with it?

Yes. He can be quite snappy, so I don’t push it. Luckily my siblings know what he’s like.

@Guardsman18

Thanks for your answer. I am finding it hard. DB is out of bounds also but I do speak to him on the phone now and again.

That's interesting you saying about playing us off against each other. I have felt that but thought it might be the child in me coming in to play.

What do you mean DB is 'out of bounds'? Can you not see him either? Does she see him because he doesn't see anyone else? It's odd that she lets other people on the house.

He doesn't see anyone else. He lives alone and I suppose she sees him as 'safe'

Not many people go there. She has one or two friends now but doesn't encourage them. It's so sad but it's her decision I suppose.

I often wonder when people are less engaged with the outside world, if they don’t see that we’ve moved on and Covid shouldn’t be feared now. Can you work on this angle with her and try to get her to engage more socially again?

The other thing I think someone else mentioned was early stage dementia. My Mum had dementia and a couple of years before we realised, I notice she was less engaged socially. It was really hard to put my finger on what it was or articulate it, but there was a slight shift. Reading your post made me recall this. Obviously the fear and isolation of Covid has affected a lot of people, so may be for your Mum it is just this.

I’d definitely start working on getting her less fearful, could you take her out sometimes so she can see that life is more normal and she needn’t be afraid? Even just start off with some outdoor walks if she’s really afraid?

it could be that she simply does not want to think about her increasing frailty and need for help and refers to DB as a way of stopping you touching on the subject. It obviously works well for her in getting you to stop going on about it ! The veto on visits could be about the same thing. Your caring presence upsets her as it reminds her of her failing capacity. She may now have got stuck in this as a habit although she is ,of course, still asking you to help with prescriptions etc. I wonder about pulling back from doing or saying anything that indicates she needs help. Instead,propose a visit by your DC to her garden to show off new jacket/bicycle/baking. Tell her she has to admire them - how important this is for DC -i.e. make her feel useful rather than it being an inspection of her. I would tell the GP about the problems with the prescriptions. Is there anything you can do to promote your own/DC contact with DB,so you don't feel so left out?

I think i would ask the pharmacist to contact the GP.

(I keep my thoughts to myself about the fact that she cooks a roast dinner each week and does his washing and ironing but has trouble walking. I try not to judge this strange world they seem to live in but it is difficult sometimes.) It’s awful to feel you’re on the scrap heap, of no value to anyone any more. Being useful by doing his washing may be important for her self esteem.

Covid shouldn’t be feared now. covid is no longer a threat to the extremely elderly?

Thank you for your replies. Yes to the man thing looking after everything. Yes that doing the washing and cooking for DB makes her feel needed and not on the scrap heap as you put it. I understand (from talking to other people) that elderly people do this as if they didn't, they wouldn't do anything.

I also agree that she can hide things from DB more easily than from me. Yes to dementia and the bubble she lives in is safe for her. What I can't seem to get her to understand is that if she continues as she is, not getting any help, then she could die alone or be taken into hospital which again frightens her.

I am so grateful to be able to chat about this even though it has become obvious to me from your replies that unless she wants help, I can't make her. So sad.