Feel rotten about mum and her situation

[Peoniesandcats]

Hi all,

My mum has mixed dementia, Alzheimer’s and also voices in her head. A week ago she was living on her own with a carer popping in the morning and evening, then I was filling in the gaps. She was then refusing and getting agitated with the carers, so I was back to caring for her more again.

She was having delusions that her neighbour’s house was hers so would go over and try and kick them out, then thought all the cars parked on her road were owned by her and was always in and out the house with no shoes on, even when raining.

I found myself watching the cameras on mum and getting anxious about her behaviour.

Last Thursday I took her to my house for a cup of tea and since then she has stayed with me. She was frightened about people in her house. She now thinks this is her house and I’m visiting.

However I’m really struggling with her, my 7 month old and 3 year old even though my husband is being supportive. She’s so confused and went back in time in her head too.

So I’ve got a care home lined up for this week and have talked to her about it, but now she’s demanding to go back to her house and seems quite lucid. However it’s not safe for her to go back on her own.

I really need her to go to the care home, otherwise the mental health team has suggested hospitalisation.

I feel rotten and now worried she won’t go to the care home. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I’ve tried telling her:

• It’s a little holiday for you
• I’m going away with work so can’t look after you
• your house is getting renovated

But she is just getting cross about it, says she’s independent and her house is convenient for shops, train station and nothing compares etc. even though in reality she doesn’t go own on her own, I do her shopping and looking after her and the house x

My mum has no official diagnosis so I don't know what sort she has. I don't think she is as bad your mum but there was the "advantage" that she had no mobility so no chance of her wandering off.

She went into a home in October and really doesn't like it but we keep telling her that it is "just until you can walk again." She has good days and bad days but even on a good day she can't hold a proper conversation.

I have found that the professionals are not easily fooled. Mum will say she can do certain things but the staff know that she is on a different planet 90% of the time. Mum says she wants to go back to her home and "her kids" - they are my kids, all adults, none of them living at home.

Hold firm even if you have to tell her it isn't permanent. I keep telling my mum that "they" or "the doctors" have said she needs extra help right now. Let her know you are on her side and know that you are doing the right thing.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by making sure she’s somewhere safe when her behaviour is so erratic. Strength OP

I'm certain you're doing the right thing. Tbh even having to have cameras to look out for her safety shows how bad things had got. If she's out without shoes banging on other people's doors that really can't go on, she would be incredibly vulnerable.

It's so tough. You sound very loving

My DM, demented but on a walk with my DSis, caused a commotion in the street and a passer by called the Police. 48 hrs later we had my DM sectioned. The intervention by the member if the public actually brought it home to us that we were at breaking point and ultimately it helped us prove to the duty mental health officer that DM was a priority for support. When you start to need a team and eyes and ears all over the place (cameras) it is a sign she is at a stage beyond where only one person can keep her safe. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Once you get her safely into the home for respite try not to visit every day if you can or for long periods. Take the time when she is safe to put a little distance in place and recover your own equilibrium.