Is it ok to not like your mum as an adult?

[Oceanswirl]

I find myself so confused about my mum. Everyone thinks she's a saint and so gentle and funny. Yet to me she was a dragon as a child. She was always mad, got annoyed if I was poorly, irritated if something made me sad etc. it made me such an anxious kid.

As an adult I still can't have boundaries. She gets extremely offended if I try to have even the smallest boundary in place and ignore them. If I try to speak up, which scares me to death, it's the end of the world and I'm just the rudest daughter. She's very passive aggressive to the point of exhaustion and has non or very slight empathy for me. If I talk to her about something I'm struggling with she makes it about herself and somehow makes me feel like I feel violated by her all the time but she acts like we're best friends. It's an enmeshed and toxic relationship that I can't seem to make better. Sometimes she's kind for the odd day but mostly it's this tension disguised under feigned motherliness. It leaves me cold, confused and she's starting to make my skin crawl.

How do you process a lifetime of feeling hurt? There's no way she'd ever understand how I felt and it would always be turned against me. I feel huge amounts of guilt about feeling like this too as she thinks she's the best mum. She'd be devastated without our relationship. How do you make small boundaries with this odd and anxious dynamic?

Thank you aga

Thank you again everyone. @CorsicaDreaming your words are perfect. @SuperSleepyBaby lovely poem too thank you. Lovely to have an empathetic ear and caring advice.

My mother is just the same, even down to the getting annoyed when I was upset as a child. Everything is about her and she can't see that I'm a separate individual from her.

I'd recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - it has lots of advice to help you deal with this behaviour and engage with it less. Once you can emotionally disengage and just observe it for what it is, it becomes a lot easier to deal with.

I really get this too and second looking at the stately homes forums. Very funny and brilliant ot help you not feel alone.

I stopped liking my mother about 20 years ago after a succession of nasties from her - just massively self centered and not getting it. Her highlights were "never mind its probably for the best" on learning of my best friends death, I dont have good coping strategies but dont tell her anything basically, try not to expect much, certainly not a normal relationship.

She uses me as an emotional crutch and has since was a child- but to be honest her life is charmed,no money worries, nothing health related til recently, she got divorced at 30 still had my dads photo up at 50 - . A very self obsessed person. Its definately affected me but am having to fight it. Shes now old so I shoudl feel sorry and empathic to her, but my "niceness" supplies are in v shallow. Only so much left !

I've gone LC with my DM I can't cope with her behaviour. DF I think has dementia and has always been quite nasty towards us all, but now whenever I speak to or see her she instantly moans and complains at me non stop about his behaviour. I understand its difficult and frustrating living with him, but any helpful suggestions I make are dismissed. BUT I also feel that she is complaining about his behaviour and how he's treating her with a very short memory, he was awful to me and my DS now the heats on her and she's his target for the bullying we should care? Why? She didn't ever stop him when it was children suffering at his hands

I can totally relate OP except my own mother isn’t a narc. I know that I feel better when I sped less time in her company as she drains me. This article sums up everything about our relationship

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/16/indifferent-towards-mother

I went to counselling a couple of years ago as I was struggling with a lot of things and after shaking the bottle of my life, she was the foam that rose to the top. I realised that all the things I did for my kids, she never did for me. All the wrong choices I made were because I was making them because it was what was expected of me rather than what was good for me. But it’s hard for me to define because I know no different and I have happy memories of my childhood. But when I see other family dynamics I realise just how much was missing from mine.

After much reading and research I stumbled across the term ‘Childhood Emotional Neglect’ and it totally resonated with me www.modernintimacy.com/10-surprising-signs-of-childhood-emotional-neglect/

I saw less of my Mum and tried to see her as an old lady I helped out once a week. I got through it. But, and it’s a big but, she recently was very I’ll and I feel more obliged than ever to be more of a presence in her life (That Fear Obligation Guilt thing mentioned upthread). It means my mental health has taken a whack again. I need to pull back but the guilt is overwhelming. It’s a terrible thing to say or even think, but if she’d quietly passed away it would have been easier for me.
it’s brought a whole raft of family dynamic issues to the surface again where me and my siblings just don’t really have much to say to each other and I feel like I’m five years old again with no one listening to me. I then come across as stroppy and angry but it’s because I feel like no-one ever treats me like I am a free thinking adult who might actually be right about some things. My DH can’t quite understand how I allow myself to be affected by it so much. But I can’t help it. It’s like PTSD.

So to answer your question OP, yes it’s perfectly ok and normal to dislike your own mother. They are but humans and no-one is perfect. The unconditional motherly love that is foisted around like a must have brand is sadly lacking for many. I wish you every good thing to be able to process what you need to process and to find some space in your life to do so. I hear you OP.

I don't feel able to go very far into details about my own abusive childhood but OP, your post resonated with me so much.

It sounds terrible to anyone who doesn't know or understand but I can't wait for her to die. Only then will I feel free.

I can relate OP. I adored my Mum but then I ended up having to come to terms with who she actually was and not who I wished she was. Same went for my other family members. There was significant child abuse that came out from my family of origin that prompted this evaluation. It was deeply painful but genuinely ultimately better to deal with this rather than tip toe around my mother and family for the rest of my life. I don’t like them now never mind love them. Very sad stuff for anyone to handle. Do it with a great therapist is my advice.