I am starting to struggle with this whole Alzheimer’s thing!

[Fairytoast]

Sorry, the title is crap but I just didn’t know how to word it.
I’m 49 and I feel the last 6+ years of my life have have been a bit shite.
Started with DS (now 16), refusing to go to school, he was overwhelmed with anxiety, often said he wanted to kill himself. I struggled to get him to school each morning (often he wouldn’t go), had the attendance officer on my back all the time, no one to help as dh was at work, constantly asking the school to help but all fell on deaf ears. I said ds was probably dyslexic but school has only just acknowledged this the last few months......
Eventually, I got him counselling outside of school and he’s slowly turned a corner.
Then my MIL becomes unwell with a bowel tumour, fought it for 4 years but passed away 18 months ago (I sat with her in the hospice after she passed, thought that was a good idea at the time but has kind of haunted me ever since as I have huge existential fears).
Then 4 years ago my lovely mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. If it wasn’t bad enough that she is bent over with painful osteoporosis, has heart disease and a pacemaker and chronic lymphocytic leukaemia, she gets dementia!
Although mum is still in the late early stages, dad does not cope well. He relies on my sister and I a lot. Calls or facetimes me most days. He is 80. He won’t have carers in yet as mum says she will kill her self if she has to have help in. So between my sister and I, we help almost every day. My sister works full time so she does what she can. I work part time as a PA for a disabled lady. I pop round to my parents most days (they live around the corner from me) and I do all of mums paperwork work, hospital and doctors appointments etc. I arranged for my mum to go to a day centre once a week and used to take her there, although she has currently stopped as she doesn’t like it. I cut and polish mums nails, I wash her hair twice a week. It won’t be long before we will have to help her wash too as she is struggling with that (dad ‘helps’ but he’s not doing it well), I do their all their washing, change their beds and wash the sheets etc.
I have my own health issues and am also probably in peri which isn’t helping. Currently having iron infusions which is making me feel crap.
I’m drowning a bit, feel so tired. Physically tired with helping out with so much (of course I do it because I want to but it’s exhausting), I am mentally tired remembering the appointments, remembering things like washing mums hair etc as well as my own families things.
But more than anything I am emotionally tired as I don’t want to watch my lovely mum who was always there for me and was always my understanding friend slowly becoming a shell of herself, I hate that she can’t remember anything from 15 minutes ago, I hate that one day she won’t know who I am, that she thinks she is on holiday and not in the house she has lived in, that we grew up in for 47 years.
I hate everything which comes as a package with this bloody horrible diseases.
And that’s it.
Don’t know why I posted that rambling but just want to reach out to anyone who may understand what I am experiencing.
Because it’s bloody crap and none of my friends understand and COVID has shut many doors for us just at the time when we really needed help.

Fairytoast you wrote that you are drowning. You need to rescue yourselves. Your DF needs to accept professional help. I would be focusing on making that happen with an iron will and all the allies I could muster. I found the GP practice's adult social care co-ordinator really useful as were DM's hospital team - all during lockdowns. Because it can't go on for your own health and sanity and your DM's safety.

I think a GP referral to Occupational Therapy or similar might help. ie The doctors says ……. might make them accept help?

Same situation here, OP. I could have written this post myself, to the letter. Me and my siblings have had to detach for our own health. Nothing we said made a difference. No amount of pleading or reasoning. So now my mother is deteriorating rapidly, while social services attempt to help them, but because he's going to have to fund some of it he's resisting. It's excuse after excuse as to why he can't even use the funded help, she's been given 5 days a week in daycare, but he won't use it because he says she doesn't like it there, yet he's quibbling over money and busily banking his carers allowance, attendance money and mum's pension every week, as well as his own comfortable pensions. The house is unsafe, mum's had several falls, thankfully none serious yet, and it's only a matter of time before something terrible happens.

Just reading your post again and I'm with @BeyondMyWits - I think your dad is struggling cognitively as well. I'm afraid this is only going to change if you become someone else and a lot more directive. It's very difficult if your family works by being very gentle and perhaps by deferring to your dad. I had to become a 'bossy daughter' which is the way i presented it to my mum, the specific role of the battleaxe, so derided in popular culture but if you don't force the issue, nothing will get better.

A mobile beautician and hairdresser for starters... and a laundry service and a cleaner. I'd stick it on a credit card if your dad won't pay but I'd tell him I was doing it and for that generation they will often give in because of their appropriate horror of debt. Horrible, isn't it? I hate what I've become sometimes but the outcome for my mum has been better due to my sister making a massive complaint to everyone and shouting at my mum, than it ever was by me nearly killing myself to try and look after her.

I think beyondyourwits might have a point. We only noticed something similar with my aunts DP when she was taken into hospital as an emergency, and he unravelled virtually overnight as she'd been hiding his own deterioration so well. They may well both need evaluation and more support than you can give alone

@Fairytoast Hi, my sister and I are in a similar position. 🤗 Some days I dont think I can cope anymore, with SN teens, working and my parents.

We had to insist in the end on help and to be honest neither of them really questioned where the carers were coming from.

My suggestions are to tell your dad that you and your sister can not continue to support them at this level otherwise you will have a breakdown and will not be able to help at all and therefore you need some help coming in and then you can still support them but at a level that works for you.

Ideas to try.
Get a cleaner in once a week.
Carers once a day for an hour to start with you can build up gradually.
Meals on wheels service.
Dont worry too much about washing your mums hair twice a week. Once a week would be ok. My mum has refused her hair to be washed for over a year. She also refuses to wash at all.

Do your parents have a garden as a gardener would take pressure off also.

Insist on the ASC assessment.

It could be your dad is scared of his own health and letting go and about what people might think as well as worries about the money. When their savings get low the council will do an assessment and help.

Arrange the asc assessment yourself and be there for it but don't tell him in advance. That's the gateway to getting care sorted. Good luck.