dstepmum has dementia, df not coping but reluctant to ask for help

[Atourwitsend]

Stepsis and I are at our wits end, stepmum has dementia and my df is not coping but will not ask for help.
One of our main concerns is the state of the house,
my stepmum is constantly bringing plant pots in from the garden, you can hardly move in the house
she keeps opening sachets of cat food and leaving it all over the-so lots of flies
no bedclothes on her bed, old food and rubbish in the bedroom but she won't let anyone clean(my stepsis found maggots!!)

Stepmum doesn't shower/bath(thinks she has but hasn't), wears same dirty clothes constantly but thinks they're fine and refuses to change

she hardly eats apart from sweet stuff but sometimes eats ready.meals straight from fridge

leaves food all over the house for dog+cats

df has congestive heart failure and is struggling to cope, we feel that is getting that she needs residential care but he is reluctant to seek help. He has told me that he doesn't want to go home because he doesn't know what reception he will get.

We just don't know what to do, he won't seek help and the system just seems so complicated and we don't know where to start

I worked in elderly care, and saw this so often....... the person with dementia would run their partner ragged trying to appease their "madness". When the fact is that nothing appeases it, because they don't actually know what they're asking for.

It's a horrible condition to have to deal with, and it's not fair on your DF to even try. He needs urgent help, and I'd go straight to your local adult SS helpdesk and your GP. In conditions like you've described, they both urgently need care and support. Some temporary respite may give your DF chance to get on top of the house with some help. There are day centres for people with dementia that would give him a break, or carers coming in.

It's awful to watch someone deteriorate with this, but you can't stand back when it's this bad. Good luck.

First thing is to contact their g.p and adult social services services and tell them of the situation, they need a home and care needs assessment. Does anyone have power of attorney.

Good advice above. Has DF given any reason why he doesn't want to accept any help?

Unfortunately, these situations have a habit of getting sorted following a crisis of some sort - either DSM or DF become ill/are hospitalised.

Could you and DSIS have some kind of plan in place if that happens? Do you have POA for either parent?

No power of attorney unfortunately, we mentioned it to them a few years ago but they didn't do anything, we've been in contact with social services but df kept playing things down.

We tried to get them to move a few minutes walk from us a few years ago but again they wouldn't

My dmil thought ahead and got poa for health and money sorted as soon as she felt she might need it.

They were aways head in the sand people and now here we are.

Age uk were amazing supporting my dad and meeting personal care needs when mum couldn't, but equally couldn't cope with the thought of residential care. Maybe give them a call and see what they suggest

You can apply for deputyship if she has lost capacity