Elderly parent and treating visits like weekend break aways

[Easter4us]

I'm really struggling at the moment to cope with my widowed father. When he visits us, it is like a weekend away for him. Since he arrived on Saturday morning, I have dropped and collected him 4 times from the pub. I have a husband and two children (10 and 14). I work full time in a demanding job and I spend my weekends trying to manage activities, the house and working a second job. My father is 78. My mother died a number of years ago and she literally put his socks on for him. I'm just so cross from years of this and I have had no family support with my own children ever. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer when my youngest was one. I only have one sibling and we are estranged. She was in rehab for alcohol addiction just in November. I see my father about every 6 weeks, so not that often, but it takes me days to recover after he leaves. Needless to say he has no interest in my children. Has anyone experienced and managed a similar situation?

Not in a similar position, I'd give him the local taxi number.

If he just comes to yours to be fed and sleep and taxi'd to the pub, I would be seeing him less and less.

Maybe the next visit can't be until, early May?...then late July etc

Or you go and see him next time. Stay in a hotel near him, go shopping, meet him for lunch, then back to hotel, then roast at a pub with him on Sunday, then home.

Take control of situations you don't like.

What happens if you say no I'm not driving you around this weekend?

Or tell him the car has a flat tire?

Why is he visiting? He can hang out at his local pub.

Say no, OP.

Just say no ?

Tell him that you won’t be able to taxi him around any more

Yes to taxi number

Stop taking him, he can then find his own way

does your husband muck in at the weekends?
You have to be firm with your dad, tell him to get a taxi.

I’m not in a similar position mainly because I wouldn’t allow someone to treat me like a slave no.

Stop pandering to him and explain he has to behave like any other adult visiting your home.

God what a conundrum. I would guess that any change to this situation could make something else worse. Eg a six pack of lager in the fridge for him might stop the pub trips but then he'd just BE there expecting entertainment and watching [insert unappealing TV programme unsuitable for the kids here].

Something may cause you to crack. We took small ds into our room so that my dad could have a bedroom to himself and he smoked cigars in ds's bedroom. The idea if him ever being left alone with ds was laughable - not that he showed the slightest interest in ds as a person. At that point I frankly stopped making any effort and we didn't see much of each other (couple of short visits a year to him) for the next 13 years until he died. I can't say I feel particularly good about that but I would do the same again.

Maybe you just stop having him to stay. Did it stop during Covid? Was it nice?

Im not sure why you cannot just state your needs instead of seething? Afraid of backlash? What does your husband think?

Other than visiting the pub, what does he actually do while he is there? Is he adding any value at all?

I'd be stretching the visits out. I'd also offer him a lift for one pub visit only. Four pub visits in two days would really annoy me but I don't honestly think I would let it get that far.

Like someone else has said, you need to take control of the situation. You teach people how you want to be treated.