Anyone else with an elderly relative reaching end of life?

[Cheekypeach]

My granddad is in his mid 90s. He’s in hospital after a serious fall and very weak. He just seems to be fading out.

As well as being sad, I also feel quite angry for years we have been worrying about him and my granny. They’ve refused to go into a care home despite being very infirm and having regular falls, instead choosing to live in a retirement flat with minimal support. All help we have tried to arrange for them has been refused or dismissed after a couple of weeks. Every time they’ve had an accident we have dropped everything to rush to them, but it’s been exhausting, and to be honest this last couple of years I haven’t visited as much as I should (I live a few hours away and have a toddler). They’re quite hard work and I’ve just dreaded it. So now I also feel crushing guilt.

My dad (their son) buggered off abroad several years ago, so now it is down to us to sort out what happens to granny who is in hospital as well, but only because she cannot safely go home alone. It all feels like a mess that could’ve been avoided.

Is anyone else in a roughly similar position that wants to chat? Am I an awful person?

@Forestdweller11
Perfectly summarised.

@Cheekypeach I have commented on your post in the Cafe but just wanted to put my spin the the whole guilt thing.

My husband and I have shared a property with my parents from past 30 + years. I helped dad to care for her as she has severe osteo arthritis. He died 9 years ago and I became her carer. Mum went into hospital in June last year where it was seen that her needs were far too great for her to continue to live in her granny annex and our house - a 1970's build with external stairs, split level with bathrooms and bedrooms all over the place - was not suitable for her and she needed full time care.

My family have given up everything to keep her in the home she and my dad lived in. Once dad died we were unable to go away without organising for my mum to stay elsewhere (v supportive cousin who would have her for holidays) and for 2 years I was unable to leave the house if there was no grandma sitter. So people tell me I could not have done more but oh the guilt!

So if you had given up everything and lived next door to them when the time came that one or both of them needed more care the guilt would still come. Please know that feeling guilty goes along with loving someone and not being able to give them what they want, not what they need.

OP please ignore the awful poster on here trying to make you feel guilty, it's horrible and you shouldn't try and make you feel that way xx

They

A few times a year IS regular visiting imo.

It is not actually true that 'nobody wants to die in hospital', though of course most prefer to be out - there are worse things though. The fact is that over half of all deaths do occur in hospital. It is not a tragedy if that does happen.

Can you turn this around? Your gf is coming to the need of a very long life and a long and enduring marriage. They've lived almost independently until their mid-90s and you've helped them do that, often at considerable cost to you. That's an amazing and loving success story.

Death is messy, full of bodily fluids and hard work, just like birth. It may not look perfect but your GF still has many people worrying about him and wanting the best for him, which must say something about the person he is. 💐 to you.

@ChoiceMummy

Yes, they have made choices, but very few people, proportionately, choose to go into residential care if they can avoid it. Especially, when a couple.

Op, it sounds as though you chose to move as well as your other life choices, knowing that you'd be physically leaving your vulnerable grandparents. So now you need to own those choices and that you were 'caring from afar'.

What about the OP's dad's life choices buggering off abroad? Oh I suppose that's okay because he's a man. You seem to be suffering from an empathy bypass ChoiceMummy

Thanks again everyone. I went to see granddad yesterday, he’s very weak but we had a lovely chat about our memories together. He said I’ve been a wonderful granddaughter and that he loves me which although I knew, have not heard out loud before. I reassured him granny will be well looked after and not to worry about her. It was a lovely but emotional visit. And now we just wait and see what happens I suppose.

Cheekypeach

That's so lovely xx