My mother, estrangement, possible Alzheimers

[Anycrispsleft]

Hello all,

I don't know what I'm looking for here, just to talk I think.

I've been no contact with my mother for 7 years. She was abusive when I was a kid, and there were a few incidents with my own (then toddler) kids which made me believe she couldn't be trusted around them. She is a difficult and easily offended person, vengeful, and I couldn't find a way to put a boundary around the kids without so badly offending her that she would go no contact anyway, so I did it before she could.

I've heard now from a friend of hers that she is showing signs of Alzheimer's, and that it has progressed quite far (she's been found in places at odd times, not knowing why she was there). Tomorrow I get in touch with her GP and see if there is any way to take things forward (her friend is happy to help with GP visits etc, which I anyway can't do as I love abroad) and see if it might be possible to get something done for her, which I guess means residential care if she is going out and getting lost.

I'm asking myself whether I should get back in contact directly. I am still scared of her, mad though it sounds to say about an elderly woman, but maybe I should anyway. I stopped contact to protect my kids, so I suppose now that she is not well enough to come to ours and make trouble, they are safe. So I could see her again. I don't know if it would even be a good idea or whether it would just bring up bad memories - her friend says she doesn't usually know now who she's talking about when she mentions me or the kids. Maybe it would be better to just leave her in peace.

I wonder if it would be worth talking to one of the Alzheimer's charities, maybe they could advise? We can't be the first family in this situation.

That’s a tricky situation OP. I think talking to an Alzheimer’s charity is a great idea.

You don’t owe her contact. If you are still battling with negative feelings (scared of her; bringing up bad memories) you should perhaps seek some counselling for yourself around this.

Totally agree with @Anycrispsleft.

You could report her to her local Social Services as a vulnerable adult maybe. Tell them that she's wondering abs you're concerned but don't want to be involved in her care.

I also agree with getting some counselling. My M was quite awful but doesn't sound as bad as yours. Six sessions of counselling and in a much better place

Sorry meant agree with biggirl

You owe her nothing. Contact the GP, explain the situation and tell them you will be doing nothing to assist.

Thanks for your replies. I'm still trying to get through to the GP. Practically, even if I wanted to help there's not much I can do - I have a full time job and two kids in school here.

I just keep wondering if I should now get back in contact with her. I don't know what she will be like. When she was well, I would never have done it, because she is the kind of person who would just get more angry with time. I don't think she would ever have got to the point of thinking "I don't care about who's right and who's wrong, I just want to get back in contact." She asked for my address once through my cousin and I sent her a letter asking her not to contact me and confronting her with some of the things she had done to me when I was a child, and then she never made any attempts to get in contact again. I'm asking myself now, should I have tried to keep some contact? Offered her another chance? Logic is telling me, this wouldn't have worked. She never tried anything to get in contact other than asking my cousin that time. She was always very concerned with appearances, and wouldn't have wanted anyone to know we were not in contact. I suppose that gives me some sort of an answer - if it was my kids and we had a falling out I wouldn't care who knew about it, I would want to talk to them. So she was either still too angry or too proud to get in contact.

Is it daft to hope that Alzheimer's might have softened her a bit?

And then part of me just resents that this is all happening. I resent feeling guilty, and wondering if I should have done more for her, when I would have gladly had her in my life if she had even just managed to be civil to us for the space of an entire three day visit. It's not like if I could go back I would do anything differently- as my DH said last night, we got a few years of peace to raise our kids, and I wouldn't swap that for being able to feel like a good daughter right now.

Thanks for letting me get these feelings out.

What a difficult situation OP

I'm a good few years ahead of you, but have been in a similar situation myself, albeit with a different relationship.

At the time I shared your sense of 'duty' as well as the lingering anxieties from a previously difficult relationship. In my case the speed in which dementia progressed sort of helped me because it quickly became a case of having to step in and help, as things turned quite urgent. It also change their personality considerably which helped!

A long time later I look back with no regrets, and I think you need to be mindful of this, for your sake further on. Now is your chance to do or say what YOU will be comfortable with later in life. I'm only saying this as you sound like you're in a dilemma.. not because I think you should. Maybe do enough to ensure she's safe, but no more? Or see if there's anything to be salvaged.

Difficult decision OP, don't envy you.

Good luck.

From experience, once you get to the point that they're wondering, their old self is pretty much gone. They may be better but she may be more nasty and possibly violent.

It's unlikely that you'd be able to have any kind of relationship with her.

It doesn't sound as though offering any kind of care for her would be practical or what you want to do.

If you're happy that SS are involved and know that she's not safe at home and is wondering, I'd be tempted to leave it at that and seek some counselling.

How difficult for you.
Alzheimer's can change a person's personality. Sometimes not for the better though.
Her GP can probably listen to your concerns but won't be able to tell you anything.
Flagging her up as vulnerable to SS is very sensible, it does sound as if she is unwell.
Looking after a relative with dementia is very hard, so be careful before you step in here.

Wow op I could've written the same words 10 years ago!

My mum is now in a home thank goodness 😅
But she did go down hill quite quickly and became quite nice and sweet 🤷🏼‍♀️
I wish I had managed to get POA
As I had no choice where or which home she went to, I could deal with her property which has say empty for 10 years now rotting away. And some of her carers have I think taken money from her too!

We did discuss this before we went nc, but she hurt one of my kids and I just walked away.

" I just keep wondering if I should now get back in contact with her"

Why would you want to do that, what do you think it would achieve?.
That sounds like FOG to me - fear, obligation and guilt talking.

Absolutely not in answer to your comment above; you do not owe her anything now let alone a relationship. Your mother was once young and abusive towards you and even now she is much older and ill her underlying abusive nature never changed. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to abuse and otherwise mistreat you (and your kids).

I would also think she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. Let her reap what she has sown here; you do not owe her anything.

Its not your fault your mother was abusive towards you and you did not make her that way. She made you her personal scapegoat and punchbag for all her inherent ills. No more; you have every right here to live a life free from abuse and that is something you never had when you were growing up in that family unit.

Thanks for all your advice. I've reported my mother as a vulnerable adult to the local social work department. I've also spoken the her GP and her friend. Her friend, with the GP's permission, booked her an appointment and offered to take her, but my mother apparently has told her their friendship is over (whether this is because of the appointment, the fact that she told the wider family about the memory problems, or both, I don't know, but my mother hates other people knowing her business so not unexpected either way).

Following that episode my aunt and uncle were blowing up my phone all of Friday ("we need you to take control of the situation"), but I sent them a message yesterday saying that I can't and won't take control, and guess what, silence from that side.

I'm not going to get in contact with my mother any time soon. I wouldn't be confident to see her alone (my DH said the same, unprompted) just in case she reacted badly. And from her perspective, if she has forgotten us, I wouldn't want to bring up any of that pain, and if not? If she was a different person, you might hope to reconcile and have some decent time together, but I don't think she is at all sorry (she has never apologised) and when I see how easily she can push away her good friend for (as she sees it) overstepping her boundaries, then I suspect that the only "nice" future for me and my mother is if I were to go back to managing all her feelings so she never has to feel bad about anything. That's something I'm not willing to do, even if I knew how (in the years before I dropped contact, we fought more and more due to me speaking more confidently in front of her and not making so much effort to read her moods - a side effect of having left home and relaxed a bit).

"Following that episode my aunt and uncle were blowing up my phone all of Friday ("we need you to take control of the situation"), but I sent them a message yesterday saying that I can't and won't take control, and guess what, silence from that side".

Well done for sending those flying monkeys that message. I would also suggest you block them from being able to contact you. They are not interested in hearing your side of things and have their own agenda so their opinion should be ignored.