Help! Stubborn Parents refusing walking aids

[Purpleraspberry]

Sorry, it is a long one! . I really need some advice as I am exasperated, worried and don't know what to do..

My parents are in their early 80s, and are otherwise relatively spritely and active for their age. My dad's mobility has been slowly declining over the last few years, and apart from one walking stick (which only was agreed to after a fall. Without that fall, he would probably still be walking without any stick at all). He is refusing any walking aids and my parents are now actively choosing to isolate themselves over it. They say they can't attend things, go on days out or their previous usual trips, etc, when they would have some more freedom with were open to more walking aids. It is all about 'what people think' and they act like they have no choices available to them.

Instead of prattling on, here is a list of concerns:

• My dad cannot walk further than several yards without saying his legs are either stiff or going to give way.
• He has to hold on to a car or someone (usually my mum in her 80s) to step on and off kerbs (again, this is with a stick).
• He struggles to hold his balance on pavements with even slightly bumpy terrain.
• He struggles to stand up off chairs, my mum often has to help him. He refuses a walking frame for this purpose, even inside the house.
• He still drives (and is ok driving as I have been closely monitoring this) and the car is his ONLY access to getting out and about unless get a lift or taxi (which they won't take). Obviously he will need to stop driving at some point but they have not made any provisions for when this happens.
• They won't take taxis, refuse online shopping (they insist on doing it themselves, and I help when I can), and have no public transport stops anywhere near them.
• Their house has no downstairs toilet, and their garden path is all uphill with a flight of steps to the front door.
• Their house is between 2 very steep hills which my dad can't currently walk on so his only access to getting out the house is in his car!
• They refuse for my dad to have either 2 sticks, a zimmer/walking frame/mobility scooter (which could allow him to go out locally). I've been laughed in my face when made suggestions, and tried to explain the benefits of using them.
• They refuse days out because of my dad's mobility when they could easily go if only he had more walking support.
• One minute, my mum will claim he doesn't need a zimmer frame as 'he isn't at that stage yet ( 🙄 )' but then openly say how.my dad can't do this, and he can't do that, etc.
• This is a selfish one on my part, but please indulge me. My mum often uses me as a sounding board for it all. Constant comments about how they can't go to this or that, because of my dad's mobility, and can't do this or that, etc. Things he probably could do with walking aids.

I am not saying walking aids would be a magic wand however, they would make things a at least a bit easier (and safer!), for them, and give them both some more freedom if they would be more open to using support. I am watching them isolate themselves more than is necessary, all over what people think, or them being stubborn and/or in denial.

I don't have any siblings and have tried talking to my parents, but get either defensiveness or sarcasm back . They had a social work visit after his fall which led to the one walking stick being used, and small adaptations were made to the house like handrails, bath rails, etc.

However, do we need another fall before anything is agreed to? This fall he might not be so lucky (he didn't injure himself in it), but why should we have to hold tight for a crisis before anything is done

I had similar from my parents - there was a long list of adaptations they did too late, but the worst was went Dad really needed a ramp installed. I'd tried to persuade them to get it put in (I discovered later my Dad had had a couple of minor falls I didn't know about too) but they both prevaricated so long about it they only got it done once he'd had a really bad fall and went into hospital for months, and now can't walk.

Unfortunately, nothing seems to be a wake up call into trying to do practical things in advance, they still just leave things until crisis point.

Essentially though, they are adults and capable of making their own decisions, and they're choosing this. You've done your best and I definitely wouldn't feel responsible for them, as hard as it is.

The only thing you can control is your own actions. The supermarket shopping is kind, but you stepping up might discourage them from finding alternative arrangements (this is particularly important as you've got no siblings).

You could either let your mum's complaining wash over you or try pulling her up on it, or just speak to her a bit less. From bitter experience the complaining/not listening cycle can be very draining and you're only human. Keep yourself sane!

My dad refused a mobility scooter for ages and his world got so tiny as literally he would totter into the supermarket from the disabled spaces, the staff would push him round in a wheelchair and take him back to the car and that was all he could do.
He finally 'gave in' to a scooter and then was absolutely evangelical about the benefits of them as he could go into their little town, ride around, stop and talk to people, go to events etc etc and actually have a life outside the house. He told everyone they should get one, and some of my sons happiest memories of my parents was riding on the scooter with dad. He also had a three wheel walking aid with built in seat to take into places like a restaurant which worked well
I'd take the tactic with your mum of the broken record technique - 'He'd be able to do that with a scooter' or similar. Saying the same thing over and over stops the frustration ime

@HariboMuncher

I had similar from my parents - there was a long list of adaptations they did too late, but the worst was went Dad really needed a ramp installed. I'd tried to persuade them to get it put in (I discovered later my Dad had had a couple of minor falls I didn't know about too) but they both prevaricated so long about it they only got it done once he'd had a really bad fall and went into hospital for months, and now can't walk.

Unfortunately, nothing seems to be a wake up call into trying to do practical things in advance, they still just leave things until crisis point.

Essentially though, they are adults and capable of making their own decisions, and they're choosing this. You've done your best and I definitely wouldn't feel responsible for them, as hard as it is.

The only thing you can control is your own actions. The supermarket shopping is kind, but you stepping up might discourage them from finding alternative arrangements (this is particularly important as you've got no siblings).

You could either let your mum's complaining wash over you or try pulling her up on it, or just speak to her a bit less. From bitter experience the complaining/not listening cycle can be very draining and you're only human. Keep yourself sane!

It definitely is very draining. Thanks so much for your reply, I am sorry you have had similar to deal with too

@CMOTDibbler

My dad refused a mobility scooter for ages and his world got so tiny as literally he would totter into the supermarket from the disabled spaces, the staff would push him round in a wheelchair and take him back to the car and that was all he could do. He finally 'gave in' to a scooter and then was absolutely evangelical about the benefits of them as he could go into their little town, ride around, stop and talk to people, go to events etc etc and actually have a life outside the house. He told everyone they should get one, and some of my sons happiest memories of my parents was riding on the scooter with dad. He also had a three wheel walking aid with built in seat to take into places like a restaurant which worked well I'd take the tactic with your mum of the broken record technique - 'He'd be able to do that with a scooter' or similar. Saying the same thing over and over stops the frustration ime

Thank you for your reply .

I am glad your dad agreed to a scooter and found it gave him so much more freedom. I pray my dad does the same, however I can't see that happening unfortunately 😕 . I have recently been responding to her with 'if he had a walking frame/scooter, he could do it, etc' and will keep on doing it. What people think seem to be their main concern overriding everything else sadly.

Could you suggest a day out somewhere where you know they would want to go by saying ' I'm off this Saturday and thought it would be nice to go to XXX, do you want to come or would it be better to wait until Dad gets his zimmer frame?

@Acheyknees

Could you suggest a day out somewhere where you know they would want to go by saying ' I'm off this Saturday and thought it would be nice to go to XXX, do you want to come or would it be better to wait until Dad gets his zimmer frame?

It is a good idea, however they would just say he isn't getting one. Even with something highlighted they could attend if he had a zimmer frame they'd choose to just stay at home and not go . He was invited to a meal with his old school recently and he has chosen not to go because of his mobility.

I cringe when I see old people struggling to walk. As if anyone cares whether they are using a walker or walking stick!

I would ring the Falls Clinic and see if you can get a referral. They see this all the time so will understand!

He probably needs to be re-assessed if his mobility has declined. Mobility is a weird one. The less you do the less you can do. There is a set of balance exercises called OTAGO which are really beneficial if done on a daily basis. A four wheeled walker can also be really good as it helps to maintain a good walking position, stops the necessity to hang on to doors/furniture/etc. (which can be really dangerous!) and boosts confidence. Then because it's facilitating walking you get the benefits of keeping moving/strengthening/flexibility.

They won't listen to you. They never do! Enlist the help of a professional. They will drive home the message of the importance of staying mobile/safe.

I think I would just get a zazzy mobility scooter and ask him to have a shot.

I'm having this with my mum at the minute. She had a couple of minor falls inside last year and FINALLY started using her stick a bit and got a second bannister fit on the staircase. These last couple of weeks she's fallen twice in the house and once in the garden, and flat out refuses to make any more changes to her house. She also says she can't use her stick in the house. No wonder really as everything she owns has a throw over it to make it look pretty. Great. Except she trips on the trailing throws when she's walking round things as her eyes are also going, or gets her stick caught in them!

That's just one example of the inside of the house. The garden is also a minefield of moss covered crazy paving and little steps down to the patio etc.

I've asked and asked if she'll let me make things a little more amenable for her. If only move the bins closer to the house so she's not navigating the steps and the moss. No

She also won't go anywhere because she's 'too unsteady' and refuses to take her stick with her because 'people will stare..' I feel mean telling her she's not that interesting, but .. she's not! No one cares if she needs a stick!

I've tried being kind, tried being practical, tried tough love asking would she'd rather break a hip than take one of the throws off her bloody dressers?

I'd love to sort the house out and make it safer for her. I'd love her to come out with me now she's finally stopped being terrified of covid. But I know realistically I can't make her do either. I don't know what the answer is, just wanted to add some solidarity. It must be horrible for them. I just wish they weren't so bloody stubborn!!

Just wondered if there are any shopping centres or similar which might have mobility scooters for customers to use - your dad might be able to give one a try?

Personally I would sit down with them both, be honest and say it’s beginning to upset you that they will not accept help

There are people of all ages who need walking aids, their life will change, and that unless they are prepared to help themselves you no longer want to hear about their difficulties

You can’t do much about the house unless they are happy to move, and that could be sold on making life easier for them but every time your mum starts moaning I would just stop her, sorry mum you know what the answer is, I am happy to help get everything set up, but i don’t want to hear your moans about the current situation

I feel for you, it's so tough seeing parents refuse to help themselves and at the same time tell you how it's affecting them.

Would they accept an occupational therapist coming in to do an assessment? It might be better coming from a professional.

PIL are exactly like this. Exactly. No provision for old age, stumbling upstairs with one pushing the other. Refusal to spend any money on walk in showers etc.
MIL eventually fell in the house, badly broke her femur and now rarely leaves the house. She has a stick but prefers to grab wildly at furniture. They were forced to buy a stairlift through gritted teeth because it involved spending money (they are loaded). She is now confined to a stripwash for evermore.
FIL's world has subsequently shrunk too. He drives but this is touch and go, mobility poor, again no thought to how they will manage going forwards.

Could you hire a walking frame and/or a mobility scooter on his behalf for a few days so he could see the benefits?

Sadly, in my experience, no amount of calm, rational discussion will help - it takes a crisis to make anything change. And of course by the time a crisis happens, things have usually deteriorated way beyond the point they would have reached if some kind of help or change had been agreed to earlier.

My 85-year-old mother is (I hope) moving to sheltered accommodation next month, after being housebound and dependent on a stairlift and unable to have a bath or shower for at least five years. A consultant recommended a knee replacement nearly ten years ago, which she refused to consider; failing that, he then prescribed a bungalow, but she and my equally disabled father absolutely refused to leave their large, isolated, listed, high-maintenance, totally unsuitable house. She spent at least a year going up and down stairs on her bottom before they would even get a stair lift fitted (my father was worried it would damage the lovely staircase in their listed house...).

It is only after the death of my father and a series of falls, one of which left her waiting 12 hours for an ambulance in a pool of her own urine, that my mother has finally agreed, extremely reluctantly, that it is time for her to move.

All you can do is keep saying that life would be easier for them if they tried xyz, and refuse to step in with lots of help to prop them up in their poor life choices. It makes me both sad and angry that my parents condemned themselves to such a poor quality of life for the past decade or two, but they are/were mentally capable adults and there was nothing I could do.

@exexpat "It makes me both sad and angry that my parents condemned themselves to such a poor quality of life for the past decade or two, but they are/were mentally capable adults and there was nothing I could do."

Amen to this. Mine even went through a phase of booking holiday accommodation that they found so unmanageable they would have to leave early. It was bonkers but it took a few of these trips before they started booking places that were accessible to them.

I don’t think it’s they think people will notice if they use a stick, it’s that if they use a stick people will notice they’re old.

Or that they’ll have to accept they’re old. I fought off hearing aids for that reason. They make me feel about 80.

My dad remained inventive and determined, eg wanting me to secure the wardrobe to the wall because he was worried it’d fall on him when he used its doorknob to haul himself up off the bed. He did finally accept a zimmer when a couple were delivered to him by the OT

You need to be very firm.

Whenever it is raised state calmly that they have been given solutions but have chosen not to take them therefore they will have to put up with xyz and you will not discuss it further.

Then take a massive step back. It is not for you to solve this. It is for them as long as they have capacity.

« We’re no’ there yet !» was my MILs version, used to fend off any suggestions that the house / care / lifestyle might need to change as she aged and became less mobile due to Parkinson’s and severe osteoporosis. She had a walking frame for use in the house (it quickly became a plant stand and a handy place to hang her handbag 🙄) and, very grudgingly, a stick for when she was out.

They never stopped going out though but ouf it was hard work as she couldn’t move faster than a snails pace, and had to have someone at her side to help her keep upright at all times. She refused to use a wheelchair. Inevitably she has several falls, one after another. FIL tried to hide it but the last fall was too serious.

*Whenever it is raised state calmly that they have been given solutions but have chosen not to take them therefore they will have to put up with xyz and you will not discuss it further.

Then take a massive step back. It is not for you to solve this. It is for them as long as they have capacity.*

This, with bells on. You can’t make decisions for them. They know what you think, they know how you are prepared to help.