Anyone got any positive stories of elderly relative improving in a care home?

[EyesWithAFace]

I've got another thread going on about my DM being discharged from hospital for a 4 week assessment of her needs. I feel terrible about it, as we always swore we would never put her in a care home (not that 'we' put her in there, it was decided for us by the NHS/Social Services).
I have no idea what will happen next, although realistically she probably won't be allowed to go back to her flat as it's not safe (she's had a few falls, usually in the night on her way to the toilet). It's also a first floor flat with no outdoor space, so she's quite isolated there.
She's had a rough year or two for various reasons, including lockdown of course, and has been diagonised with depression/low mood. She is very withdrawn and unsociable.

Although I hate the idea of her being in a home, I'm trying to think positively in that maybe it will ultimately be better for her. Maybe she will start integrating with the other residents and even join in some of the activities. She has never been very outgoing/gregarious, but was OK in small groups of friends/relatives.

Has anyone seen a positive change in thier elderly relative, moving from being home alone into a communal environment? Physically and/or mentally? Even if they weren't especially sociable beforehand?

Not quite the same situation but my MIL went into a home 18 months ago. My SIL argued against it because she felt MIL would hate it and she wanted her kept at home but MIL’s Alzheimer’s had advanced to such a point it was impossible to keep her safe at home so we had no real choice. We were all surprised how quickly and how well MIL settled in and I can honestly say that she is now the happiest I have ever seen her. She is being looked after by experienced staff and the range of activity and stimulation is way more than we could ever have organised. And visits are just that, not an endless list of house maintenance and other chores. So based on my experience it can be a positive move for all of you.

Yes my auntie improved a lot when she went into a care home. At home she was falling a lot and not remembering to eat properly - which made her more confused and frail. She did have carers but it wasn't enough.

In the home she had good nutrition and took her medicines more reliably. She improved physically and mentally, though of course still had dementia.

MIL is putting back some of the weight she's lost over the last couple of years, she's not been eating properly for some time and having carers in didn't help because she told them she'd eaten before they came. She's having the medication she should be having and at the right times and she looks years younger. There's a vast chasm between what she says happens and what the staff say happens so I have no idea whether she spends every minute in her room (her view) or is dancing in the lounge. She doesn't have a good word to say about the place or the staff and is thoroughly miserable but she was the same when she was at home. She was miserable and at risk and now she's miserable and safe. There are activities, if she chooses not to do them then that's her choice. She didn't have much of a choice while she was at home.

Mum had shunned people since Dad died but she enjoyed having people to listen to, I had a few visits cut short because she was wanting to be back in the lounge. She enjoyed having people around her. They were able to get a doctor through the door when I couldn't get one on the phone, they tried her with medication for the crippling anxiety she's always denied she had and I wish it was something that she would have tried twenty years ago.

Mum's mobility suffered because she was very active before, up and down the garden, on her feet all day. MIL spent her day in front of the tv, her mobility has improved because she's more active now.

It's like when your children start school, you worry so much about it but there's nothing you can do because it's their life, separate from yours and full of the choices only they can make.

When my mum left hospital for her first nursing home for a discharge to assess package, I said to her it was a convalescent home, which was true in a way, and was a familiar idea to someone of her generation. It made me feel better too.

My mum has just been too impaired to be at home at all, though a flat with a live in carer isn't impossible at some point. The first and second nursing homes (long story) did not work for her, but she's finally in a place that works for her. She's remarkably chirpy with the staff and I think she likes the care. She was always very solitary but perhaps that was partly because previously she was super capable so being around people meant being made to look after them. I think part of her likes being the looked after one at last.

I work in aged care and this happens all the time!

Yes, although the circumstances are a bit different. My Mum has hydrocephalus and is now bed bound so there’s no chance of her having any social contact with the other residents. But when she was discharged from hospital to the home we were told she had only a few weeks to live. That was in November 2019! Since then she’s regained weight and improved mentally. The carers are patient and make an effort to get her to eat and drink, and chat to her and she seems contented and comfortable. It’s such a relief. She had gone downhill so much in hospital. Prior to that she’d been at home but struggling and her condition developed very rapidly so there was no question of her being able to go back home.

My MIL’s mum was adamant she would never go into a home. She relied on family, mainly MIL, and carers as she got less mobile and her health deteriorated. She then kept falling and was basically going to have to be restricted to one room in her bungalow with a commode. But still she wanted to stay at home. Then after another fall, literally hours after the paramedics had brought her home from a previous one, she went into a home for the 6 week assessment period. She loved it, she saw people, was able to join in with some of the activities, wished she had done it sooner. Sadly she died from a heart attack before her 6 weeks was up, but mentally she definitely benefited from being there, and they had the equipment and carers to help reduce the likelihood of her falling. Meant MIL could be her daughter when she visited her and not her carer.

My grandma.
She complained non-stop about the other residents but couldn't wait to get back after a couple of hours out. Being round other people- especially people she could criticize- rejuvenated and stimulated her so much!

Yes! Uncle has put on weight and physically looks much better and is much more alert and happy because there are folk to chat to (rather than alone at home with carers visiting twice a day).

We have a family friend who has been in a supported flat for years who has been steadily going downhill for years. Not enough company, not eating properly. Been in a home since before Christmas and her son says she’s the best she’s been for 10 years.
I don’t think humans are designed to live alone entirely. It’s fine when you are getting out a lot but in old age it can be a disaster.

My aunt improved a lot. It seemed to relieve her stress as she was becoming quite stressed about caring for herself and not managing. She looked and sounded better after the first week of proper meals and company.

My grandma was much better off after she went into a care home.
She had Alzheimer's and although my dad visited her every single day and she had carers as well she would forget as soon as they left and she would cry every day and say how lonely she was and that no-one ever came. She would also try to send the carers away because she worried about the cost (no need to at all but she was a very frugal person all her life after growing up in poverty) She was so miserable and even had antidepressants but they didn't work. She was a quiet, houseproud person and she had always said she would never go in a care home so we tried to respect her wishes. Then she had a period of respite whilst we were on holiday and she was a changed woman straight away so she stayed! She didn't join in activities or socialise much but just to know she wasn't alone and be able to see people around gave her comfort. They also had a cat that she would sit and stroke for hours. She didn't know it wasn't her own home and my dad still popped in every day after work and we all went to see her often and she was so much happier. We wished we had done it years before.

My gran improved after going into a care home. She was ferociously independent and tried to live a normal life at her house longer than she was really able. Then she had a fall and couldn't get up or reach a phone to call for help and we realised she'd been hiding how difficult daily tasks had become for her. In the home she made new friends and her physical and mental state improved significantly, until she became unwell and passed away.

My dad was having falls, trouble with oedema in his legs, and had lost 2 stone in weight. The nursing home made sure he had his full set of tablets every day and brought him meals and snacks all through the day. He put the lost weight back on again, stopped having oedema, and has had 2 falls in 3 years.

He’s not participating in activities but is happy in his own company and has struck up good relationships with several of the staff. He seems gently content

Yes. She is bathed now, wears clean clothes, incontinence is managed with dignity, and she eats regularly.
She also chats with others in the home, but she’d tell you she hates it and wants to go home if you asked.

My Mom has improved since going into a home. She's put weight on, as her eating and drinking is better monitored. She has dementia so she needs encouraging constantly.

Her mood is better too. She likes having people to talk to and access to activities.

My dad improved enormously during his initial placement. He was completely immobile when he arrived, after seven weeks in hospital. He could hardly talk and looked about 20 years older than he is. In the first few weeks, they got him back on his feet, fed him well and got him talking again.

He did end up staying at the end of his assessment period; once he started communicating it became clear that dementia had set in and he can't be at home. He's been there 11 months now.

He is better nourished and less stressed than he's ever been since my mum died in 2018. On the other hand he does feel cooped up and confused about why he's there. This is the dementia taking - he has little sense of time and place and generally thinks he's in a rather strange hotel. I doubt he'd be any less disorientated in his old flat and he's certainly be more isolated. But he'd be more able to go out for a walk, which he really misses, so I'm going to work out what we can do about that once the weather improves.

I definitely think he benefits from always having people around and I love how the staff look after his needs. There's always something going on, even in just a low key way, and he seems much less bored and anxious, even if he doesn't join in with stuff.

The good thing about the four week placement is that you can hand on heart present it as a temporary thing, and you get the chance to suss out whether the home is right for a longer term stay, if that's how things play out.

Can I just say that this is one of the most heartwarming threads in a generally pretty dismal topic. The overall impression is that most people in care homes are better off there and that care home staff are skilled at helping them. If you love your elderly relatives and are making choices in their best interests then I really think you should feel no guilt if a care home is the right answer - whatever preconceptions you or your relative might have had.

Thank you everyone for your replies - this is exactly what I wanted to hear. I think I am gradually coming to terms with the idea that this might be a good thing ultimately. I still feel terrible about it though, as if we're deceiving Mum. We are going with the 'temporary convalescence' line, and yes, it is true, for the moment anyway.
Please keep the positive stories coming, especially for the quieter, less gregarious relatives.

Thank you All for the lovely thread. x

My dad went into care last April after spending 2 weeks in hospital then 4 days after coming out tested positive for Covid.

He was quite frail and we booked him for respite care in the hope it would boost his strength but after a week he told us he wanted to stay permanently.

His health is much improved, he has proper meals, the staff are very good to him, the place is lovely and he has a very nice room with ensuite bathroom. He has plenty of people around him and joins in most of the activities. He even looks much better, he's lost the grey pallor he had when living alone at home.

People always assume being in a home is the worst thing to happen to you when you are elderly and in poor health but dad is certainly proof that it can improve your life immensely.

It's interesting how many people are saying there elderly parent didn't join 8n activities but liked that there were things going on. When his my dementia was advanced my dad spent his life in a chair in the dining room which was where the staff sat to do their admin and you had to go through to get to the sitting room. He loved being in the centre of everything even though he couldn't join in. And he did enjoy the visits from the alpaca and the pony and the guinea pugs etc.

Some people do go down hill in a care home and give up, whereas others do better. I do think its got to do with family involvement, the persons outlook and whether there is a cognitive issue such as dementia.

My nan lived in her own home till age 98, but finally couldn't cope- despite daily visits from family. We assumed the worst with a care home, but she is now 101, still in the care and going reasonably strong!

Forgot to say, that my nan started playing the piano again for 'the old residents' (she is now the oldest resident!) with the 'old time tunes'. She doesn't get involved in the majority of the activities, but the musicial teacher/lead there has managed to get her involved in something she loved for 90+ yrs!

My grandparents both went into a care home at the same time aged 92 and 94. My grandfather was in such bad shape at home - he was literally lying in bed and he was dying requiring 24 hour care. My grandmother was also in very poor shape with advanced dementia. Their needs became so great it hit crisis point and they had to go into a home. We thought my grandfather would be in the care home a matter of days before he would pass away. He was taken to the care home by ambulance practically unconscious. Within 3 days the staff in the home managed to bring him round and he was all of a sudden up and awake. Gradually he began to get better and better until he was able to be up, dressed, read his paper and do his crossword. It was miraculous. It was honestly down to the fantastic nursing staff. Having properly trained nurses with him 24 hours a day to manage his medication and care for him better than we could tipped the balance for him!
My grandmother also improved greatly in the nursing home. When she was at home she was difficult with us about getting washed and changing her clothes. Her incontinence issues were not well handled through no fault of our own - it just got too much! She argued less with the nursing home staff about it all for some unknown reason so all of a sudden we were seeing her back in her beautiful clothes with her hair done and matching jewellery every day!
It wasn’t an easy decision to put them in a nursing home but sometimes these things just beat us and there’s nothing we can do about it! It’s honestly for the best.