Mum and dad

[Rosebel]

My mum who I love and am very close to is going downhill and it's become very noticeable this Christmas and is maybe at the stage of going in to a home.
I'm very very against this. My gran went in to a home and within a year lost interest in life, although she lived for several years there was no quality. She had no conversation, stopped reading and even watching TV. I can't bear the thought of mum going like that.
On the other hand mum is very reliant on my dad and he worries about her a great deal. I mean she still goes out but only with my dad and has had a few falls at home (although actually my dad has had a couple too). They must be considering homes as they know the cost of the local one is over £2k a week.
I can't bear it. I begged my parents to move closer to me but they didn't want to leave the area so between work and childcare I don't have much time to visit them.
I feel awful because I don't want my mum to go in to a home but I don't want my dad to struggle caring for her.
What the hell is the solution?

There isn't one unfortunately. They could look at private carers I guess to help your Dad, it's just so difficult. My Dad was my Mum's main carer, alongside the 4 care calls she had a day. I helped where I could, but sometimes a home is the solution.

Carers? I've very recently lost my dad so mum is on her own. She's very frail herself. My aunt, DH & I have been struggling to cope trying to visit to make sure she's eaten, had something to drink, washed, taken meds, empty her commode etc.

There are quite a lot of companies offering different types of care - hourly, couple of times a day, overnight, live in etc. They're not cheap but may be less than a home and more comfortable for your parents being in familiar surroundings.

Re read your post, it is full of I.
Your parents needs are the most important thing here and fortunately they seem to be considering this themselves, there are dozens of threads on here about elderly parents refusing support or change and sadly this results in their daughter being brought to her knees with the stress.
Support their choices and what is best for them as they age and sadly decline.

I was lucky that I could give up my job and look after my mum she had dementia. My 5 siblings all worked full time but helped out when they could.
In the end, she had to go into a care home because it was impossible to look after her and make sure she was safe. It broke my heart but there wasn't another way.
Before dementia my mum always told us to put her in a home when she was old because she didn't want her children looking after her.
It's really hard caring for your parents.

I'm trying to be supportive but have seen what happens to people who move in to care homes. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish but I'm worried about them.
Of course I haven't said anything to them but thought I could be honest here.

@Rosebel

I'm trying to be supportive but have seen what happens to people who move in to care homes. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish but I'm worried about them. Of course I haven't said anything to them but thought I could be honest here.

But some people do better in care homes Also, if your dad can't cope...

Is a live in carer an option? Or for the daytime?

I think it's good that they don't want to burden you. I have to do some care for mum and find it very hard.

My gran went in to a home and within a year lost interest in life, although she lived for several years there was no quality. She had no conversation, stopped reading and even watching TV

I think you may be assuming that the care home was the cause of your gran's decline. It's much more likely that she was going to decline anyway , and would have been the same if she'd stayed at home.

Most care homes provide a lot of activities and entertainments to keep everyone interested , but of course if the person is going downhill it wouldn't make much difference what was offered, they'd go downhill anyway.

If your parents are already looking into care homes, why not take their lead and look into them yourself. The best way to avoid a bad one, is to do plenty of research , visit a few, have a look around. Talk to your parents, find out what they want, rather than projecting your own feelings onto the situation.

Realistically how much support can you give your parents? Is it enough to keep them safe and looked after whilst giving you a decent quality of life as well?

I started caring for my mum who had very limited mobility when my dad died 9 years ago. They lived in a granny annex in our garden. I did all her meals, including bringing her breakfast in bed every morning, helping her to dress, taking her to the bathroom, putting her to bed. Two years ago I was struggling so much, begging for help from Social Services. Much against her wishes we had a care package of two visits a day morning and evening but she still lost all interest in life, her mobility continued to decline and so did her mental capacity. I had to visit her 10+ times a day, keep her company for an hour at lunch time and sit with her every evening. I was unable to leave the house or even have a telephone call for longer than half an hour because she would need me for something - usually to take her to the toilet.

Six months ago she went into hospital with a suspected stroke but Social Services agreed that living at home, even with an increased care package, was not feasible. She is now in a home.

It has been six months since I stopped caring for her and even now I am still recovering. How much are you able to give up to support your parents? How would your family feel if you basically had to check out of family life to care for them? It sounds dramatic but that is the price my family paid to keep my mum in her own home for 9 years after dad died. Caring for my mum who lived in my garden broke me. Unless you are able to take direct responsibility to help your dad the best thing you can do is support them in their decision.

No I understand the massive responsibility, well to a certain extent. Before my gran went in to a home my mum was basically caring for my gran and I would help out as much as possible, although I was still at school so obviously didn't feel the full pressure.
I absolutely saw the pressure on my mum and that she nearly became ill herself from stress.
Although they've both mentioned care homes they won't discus it with me or my sister.
I really want to support them. I think I'm struggling to accept they're getting older but I know that just sounds stupid.

@Rosebel

I'm trying to be supportive but have seen what happens to people who move in to care homes. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish but I'm worried about them. Of course I haven't said anything to them but thought I could be honest here.

I think people look at this the wrong way around sometimes. The decline is happening and will happen, regardless of environment. To some extent the environment may slow or speed up the decline, depending on what the environment is and how it suits the individual, but the decline will happen, it is happening, you've said so yourself, it will continue to happen. A care home is somewhere where the symptoms and issues of that decline are expected and they are experienced in dealing with them, have things in place like hoists, profiling beds, bath hoists etc available for use as soon as they're needed. Those things won't be needed because they're in a care home, they'll be needed because of the individuals condition and will be available because they're in a care home.

I'm sorry, it's awful to face that your parents are coming to that stage, but especially with dementia, it will happen anyway, judging the 'right' time is hard, especially as we want to do the best for people we love and we don't want to accept that decline and illness that is happening to someone we love.
I would follow your parents lead and be guided by what they want, it's their lives that this is going to affect the most.

Sounds like your mum should have her needs assessed. I’m not clear from your post why she should need to go in to a home right now rather than get additional care in her own home. In home care is normally a staging post. You say they know the price of the local care home - this may be common knowledge not an indication that they are considering this right now. As a daughter who feels regularly manipulated with cries of ‘don’t put me in a home’ and ‘I might as well be dead as in a home’, I’m quite envious that your parents are open to accepting this care. BTW there are as many examples of people thriving in communal living as declining. My own parent at home does less and less as their world gets smaller.

How far away are you? Are there any ways to increase visits?

That wouldn't be a substitute for care but my thinking is that you might feel better and they would pleased to have you around more.

The thing is because I have no experience of this I'm not sure what a daily carer could provide. She doesn't need help with hygiene or cooking or cleaning. It's literally just her mobility.
My dad does go out on his own and mum stays at home alone so I don't know.
I usually go over twice a week and could squeeze in another visit. I try to make things easier for them by taking a meal over or doing a bit of ironing but they usually tell me not to bother.
Since it's just mobility and risk of falling would a daily carer be able to help?

@Rosebel - you can ask her GP for a referral to the Falls Assessment Team. They go in & see what mobility aids, grab bars etc your mum might need to help her get around more safety.

I understand that this is very difficult for you. Noone likes to see their parents aging. But in the kindest way possible this is not your decision to make, it's theirs. They are adults, they have capacity and have thought about what they want. You need to take some time to accept their decision and then be supportive.

What sort of accommodation do they live in now, would they consider a warden sheltered flat or extra care flat which they could buy or rent. If its just her mobility they can have adaptations made, walking aids, stair rails, bathing aids, careline, falls detextor.

Hi OP, I used Lifted care agency when my father needed help after an operation. They did a thorough care evaluation and the carer they sent was charming. He used to go out and buy my father the papers and have a bit of a chat and just someone to look in, even if only 1hr a week. They have an app family members can use to track how their relative it. I found them super friendly, if you'd just fancied a chat.
Good luck, it's so tricky. Hi

Mum can ask for a needs assessment from the council and she can see her gp and community therapists to investigate out why she is falling. She can claim attendance allowance and dad can ask for a carers assessment.

Does your mum use a zimmer or any walking aid that would help with mobility? Is their home on one level or are there adaptations that could be made to lessen the risk of falls? Would a warden flat or retirement village be an option, if their own home became unsuitable? But what do they think? You haven't mentioned any mental decline or dementia so presumably it's their own choice (although most people want to retain as much independence as possible)

Maybe see if she'd agree to a care needs assessment by social services. They'll do everything possible to ensure she can stay at home if that is what she wants? Possibly an OT/Physio assessment to see if there are any aids or adaptations that can make mobilising safer - exercises, mobility aids etc. Also tech like community alarms.

It sounds like mobility aids and an emergency pendant alarm would help.

Is the mobility anything that might improve with physio or walking? A carer can take her for walks.

How bad is the mobility issue?

I think you could open up the conversation with them. It's possible that they've jumped straight to care home without considering any other option. I also wonder if they're considering going into a care home together? It might be that the overall burden of managing their affairs and life is just getting too much. Before my mother had a kind of stroke she was managing independently, but was increasingly finding every task or decision hugely tiring - things like paying bills or getting something repaired were a big deal and a worry because her memory was going. It might be that they are both feeling like this.

I would say 'i feel things are getting tougher for you and I've been so glad to think that at least you have help in the house and garden. Are you thinking of more help?' And see what they say.

Thanks for the replies. Her mobility is the real issue. They have installed a stair lift and mum has a walking stick which I've noticed she uses even round the house now. My dad also supports her if they are walking outside.
I don't think she has dementia, but she does sometimes forget what she's saying or can't find the right words. I'm not sure if that's dementia or just the fact she is getting older (she will be 80 in the summer).
Unfortunately in the area they live which they refuse to move from is quite small and a bit rural so nothing in the way of sheltered accommodation.
They haven't mentioned care homes again but if or when they do I'll ask if they've considered daily carers. I'm not sure if it's a cost issue.
Social services is a no go and mum won't even go to the doctors. I think my dad' would like her to but she won't (my sister thinks he should make her but not sure how you can force an adult to see a GP).
I can remember my mum saying don't feel you have to come and see me when I'm in a home, this was when my gran was declining.
I think the care home may be more my dad's idea than my mums and dad's I think she isn't keen after watching her mum decline, even though it might have happened anyway.
As I said my dad has had a couple of falls but generally his mobility is good and he's able to get up again after he's fallen. He recently painted the downstairs of their house so he's obviously capable, although I wish he'd asked me to do it. Not sure at 77 he should be climbing up ladders etc.